


Queasy, teasy and nothing easy

by SilkCut



Series: Experimental Pairings or AUs [1]
Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Alternate Canon, Boys Will Be Boys, Coming Out, From friends to lovers, M/M, Valentines present, agonizing moments of pleasure, characterizations are based on live-action adaptation, kisses!, sex?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-05-21 01:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 66,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6033526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilkCut/pseuds/SilkCut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kimihiro Watanuki has found some semblance of normalcy in a life already chaotic to begin with when he meets Yuuko Ichihara, a shopkeeper for a wish-granting store, who begins helping him deal with his gift of the paranormal sight. He is also crushing on a girl named Himawari Kunogi who still hesitates to let him in because of her fear that she could endanger his life due to her irredeemable curse. She is close friends with a boy named Shizuka Doumeki whom Watanuki grows to trust and establish a kinship with after said boy has proven himself loyal when he saved his life twice. </p><p>It was only later on when this friendship begins to blossom into something more, and Watanuki now has to deal with the fact that his first friend may very well become his first love. Dealing with the paranormal is frightening enough, but liking another boy is something else more complicated, as both of them will soon find out. Loosely based on the character interpretations of the Japanese live-action show, this is a story about two dorky boys figuring out each other--one fumbling tackle, rough housing headlock, and tentative kiss at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Only Child

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arisprite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arisprite/gifts).



> Lady Arie and I just love the live-action dorky representation of DouWata because both actors are damn fine and they do have shippy moments. I've also wanted to try my hand on fluff because the destructive heartbreak and and destitute that is my _Snapshots_ series needs something to balance it, and so I release this fic. Besides, we need more DouWata fics based on the live-action. If you haven't watched the show, you should. A very loose adaptation of the manga itself, there are still some merits to be had like the gorgeous costumes and cinematography. Basic summary of the Jdrama characterizations of the characters are this:
> 
> (1) Watanuki is less lively and doesn't shout or flail--but he does make superb bitch faces  
> (2) Doumeki actually has a full range of normal facial expressions and emotions  
> (3) Himawari is pretty depressing no matter how much she smiles
> 
> For visual reference:
> 
>   
>    
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What is wrong with you?”
> 
> “I’m an only child.”
> 
> “So am I but you don’t see me bullying another boy as some sibling proxy!”

* * *

 

 

The scorching Sunday afternoon is overwhelming but since he was readily dressed for such a climate anyway, Doumeki remained unaffected, and was more focused on the task at hand. This turned out to be walking Himawari to the train station, and listening to her idle chatter which lacked in real meaning and purpose. She was preoccupied with something else and knowing her better than she knows herself most days, Doumeki knew all he had to do was put up with it and wait it out. She will eventually stop hesitating and tell him exactly what was bothering her.

A crowd of people suddenly materialized before them and Himawari would have been easily thrown aside if Doumeki didn’t sling a protective arm around her just in time. He quickened his pace and led the two of them to a larger space close to the platforms. Once they were there, Himawari, who was clutching at her bag so tightly before, now looked up to him with wide eyes, as if she wasn’t expecting to see him there at all, like she had forgotten they were together. This happened often enough that Doumeki wondered if Himawari even felt connected to the people around her, especially the awful places and situations she would find herself in. He tried not to dwell too much into such a counterproductive, melancholic thought.

A few more seconds of stupor passed before his childhood friend broke into a huge smile. A small chuckle escaped those deceitful lips. He knew that smile. It was apologetic and a tiny bit self-deprecating. Surprisingly, of all her disguises, this one is the least offensive to him so he returned it with a slight roll of his eyes especially when she added it with, “You always take care of me, don’t you?”

Using his knuckles, he tapped her gently on the forehead and replied. “Yeah. Pay attention.”

When he said that, he not only meant for her to follow that advice in that moment as they are walking together in a public place; he almost meant it for her to follow for the rest of their lives. He wanted to tell her more directly, _pay attention to the fact that I’m here, that I care,_ but Doumeki decided that some things are better left unsaid. It didn’t stop him from worrying about her, now more than ever, because there’s another person in her life who shares her space eagerly, who feels connected to her more than anyone ever did, and whom Doumeki wasn’t sure whether or not to trust or to take extra precautions with.

As if on cue, said elusive person is running toward them now, waving a hand in the air as he approached. Doumeki took note of how Himawari immediately lit up.

“Watanuki-kun!” she greeted the other boy with a warmth she normally reserved for her family and Doumeki himself. She practically bounced in place.

Watanuki reached them, gasping for breath for a few moments, before he grinned back at her. “I was hoping to catch up to you before you leave.”

“And you did!” she remarked, too cheerily as far as Doumeki is concerned.

Watanuki now turned his eyes to Doumeki this time, and the expression on that annoying face soured just a little. He narrowed his eyes. His glasses reflected the sun for a moment, and it obscured the meaning of his gaze. Doumeki kept staring, unable to stop himself from smirking at the shorter boy. He knew Watanuki would demand to know why he was here with Himawari but it would be rhetorical. They knew each other long enough to understand how the roles in this arrangement worked. It doesn’t make things easier, though. Doumeki felt the other boy’s displeasure right now; he doesn’t really like to share Himawari either, not if it had to be with Watanuki, someone he is still trying to figure out.

“Is there something you want to tell me, Watanuki-kun?” Himawari interrupted the heated flow of distrust between the two boys with her question.

Doumeki noticed the pink box Watanuki had been holding. He reached it towards Himawari who took it with some reservation, but her smile depicted the opposite because it was widening again. Watanuki didn’t say anything; he just bowed his head, that foolish smile crossing his features which made him look years younger than he is, and his cheeks were slightly flushed. Himawari also said nothing in response. Instead, she took one of the other boy’s hands now and squeezed. Watanuki grinned openly this time and rubbed the back of his head with his other hand, obviously embarrassed.

“Where’s _my_ box?” Doumeki interrupted, taking a step closer to the other boy as if he’s ready to search Watanuki’s body for any evidence of his own share of the food.

The shorter boy let Himawari’s hand go all of a sudden, and angled his body on the defensive by raising both arms in front of him, as if getting ready to curl his hands into fists and punch Doumeki if he ever tried anything.

It was a comical reaction so Doumeki smirked at him while his own hands still remained inside the pockets of his jeans. “You’re such an idiot,” he uttered.

“ _You’re_ the idiot, _idiot_!” Watanuki’s voice was quiet even with the emphasis, but the flash of annoyance in his eyes was unmistakable. “Why would I even make you food today? Haven’t I already fed you enough the last time?”

Doumeki just shrugged his shoulders. He let his smirk deepen. “So?”

Watanuki’s eyes hardened but then Himawari spoke up again and said. “Hey now, try to get along when I’m gone, okay? And besides, Doumeki-kun was so nice to walk me here today. I’m so happy to have seen you to before I go, Watanuki-kun. I feel bad for making Doumeki-kun come so if you wouldn’t mind, Watanuki-kun—?”

She finished that request with a hopeful tone, smiling at Watanuki as the shorter boy returned it with a quirk of his eyebrow, marking his incredulity of the situation they found themselves in. Nonetheless, he sighed dejectedly and nodded a little stiffly, answering her, “Fine, fine. I have some leftover flour and chocolate anyway…”

“So you baked me sweets?” Himawari brightened up. “I should have guessed!”

With the sight of her renewed smile, Watanuki noticeably relaxed. He managed another, “Yeah” while trying to sound as casual and dismissive as possible but he was smiling to himself again, a behavior Doumeki has observed several times now whenever the other boy is caught off-guard with a compliment. If he was being entirely honest, Doumeki doesn’t hate it. Watanuki looked much more compliant when he smiles. It’s not a bad look.

Doumeki continued to stare at Watanuki’s slightly bowed head and his secret expression of elation which Himawari couldn’t see from this angle.

“Wow,” Doumeki can’t help rubbing it in a little. “Aren’t you cute?”

Watanuki jerked his head towards him and this time did punch him on the arm but it was due to the shock of his offhand comment rather than an actual angry retort.

Himawari’s laughter that followed after that exchange was genuine, Doumeki decided, so it was worth taking that hit.

After a few more pleasantries between Watanuki and Himawari, she finally stepped into the platform and waved at them as the train began to take off. Watanuki watched her go, an uncharacteristic somber expression etched on his face. Just to be a jerk, Doumeki couldn’t help but run his palm over that face. Watanuki yelped and stepped back, but he also managed to clutch Doumeki’s wrist. His grip was tight enough to amuse Doumeki. He didn’t move and instead looked at Watanuki as if he wasn’t sure what the shorter boy has to be mad about.

“What is wrong with you today?” Watanuki growled, his eyebrows furrowing. “You’re a goddamn bully, you know that?!”

“Told you,” Doumeki replied, almost dryly. “You’re cute.”

In retort, Watanuki pulled him close using the wrist he was clutching at. His nails were digging into the skin. It would have been a hurtful gesture for anyone but Doumeki simply began shaking due to the laughter he’s been holding in. That worsened Watanuki’s mood because this time he pinched Doumeki on the ear.

Undaunted, Doumeki used his weight and height advantage to grab both Watanuki’s arms and turn him around. The shorter boy’s back slammed against his chest and Doumeki kept him there as he leaned close to whisper, “Loser.”

For a few seconds (possibly due to shock and the unconventional positioning of their bodies), Watanuki stood still, frozen in the spot. And then he squirmed almost violently in Doumeki’s embrace. It was just too funny.

“Q-Quit struggling, you moron.”

“Let me go!” Watanuki managed to unlatch himself from Doumeki long enough to turn and attempt to punch him in the face but Doumeki had quicker reflexes and anticipated that reaction already so he leaped away and Watanuki’s fist merely caught the wind between his knuckles and Doumeki’s cheek.

His second punch made contact, however. It wasn’t strong enough to make Doumeki bleed though, but it hurt enough to leave a bruise. Seeing what he had done, Watanuki just froze there, and looked confused and scared, but then Doumeki shook his head with a smile and said, “You look as if you’ve never played rough with other boys when you were a kid,” he laughed a little, taking pity on the other boy as he added, “Relax. Stuff like this happens all the time when you play a little rough.”

“Of course not! Do I look like I ever played rough?” Watanuki answered quickly before he pouted. Yes, he’s prone to do that. It was something Doumeki was also getting accustomed to. The shorter boy would purse his lips together in a show of defiance as he looked away as if Doumeki’s entire existence offended him.

“Sorry,” Doumeki rubbed his cheek and decided to let this go. It was his fault, anyway. Whatever was happening between them now, this was something Doumeki doesn’t understand sometimes. One moment he’s so uncomfortable around Watanuki whenever Himawari is with them and yet the next when she’s gone, Doumeki could find himself enjoying the other boy’s company. Well, mostly because he’s so easy to irritate that Doumeki just can’t stop poking some fun at him.

“Just stay away, okay?” Watanuki was starting to leave. Doumeki grabbed his wrist.

“What?” Watanuki looked almost angry. “Another round? You’ll lose this time!”

“No,” Doumeki spoke patiently and slowly. “You’re baking me sweets, remember?”

Watanuki was going to protest but he must have remembered that Himawari specifically requested him to, so he pouted once again and then pulled his arm away from Doumeki’s reach. “Then follow me, you bastard,” was all he said as he walked off, stomping a little for emphasis. Doumeki smiled once, and then obeyed.

On the way, Doumeki insisted that Watanuki should use his house’s kitchen instead and Watanuki looked as if he was ready to punch Doumeki again, but then Doumeki asked, quirking his eyebrow, “Do you really want me to know where you live?”

That put the argument where Watanuki will bake the sweets effectively to rest.

Alone in the kitchen together, Doumeki kept tasting things in advance that the shorter boy finally had it, and shoved him out of the way a few times. But Doumeki held his ground and was unsuccessfully kept away from the kitchen.

“This is my home,” he declared, pretending to take on a haughty air because he knew it would get on Watanuki’s nerves. “Those are my sweets.” He even pointed.

Watanuki only growled in exasperation and gave him a rougher shove. Doumeki actually took a few steps back but then another playful mood seized him so he pulled Watanuki using his apron. The shorter boy gasped as he stumbled forward. Doumeki miscalculated his next step backward and his knees ended up buckling beneath him. The added weight of another body didn’t help him find any purchase for a more graceful landing. They crashed to the floor. Doumeki didn’t even realize he hit his head on a corner until Watanuki scrambled to get off him. Sitting up on the floor now, he reached behind his head and found that it was wet and sticky. He looked at his fingers and muttered, “Yeah, that’s blood.”

Watanuki was livid. “You are the worst!”

“That’s not very consoling, is it?”

“You’re blaming me!” Watanuki was starting to sound hysterical. “This is all your fault! Now you’re hurt! And you’re bleeding! And I—”

“—should stop panicking like a little bitch,” Doumeki pulled himself up from the floor and added, “I’ll go clean up. Just keep baking.”

“Don’t you—have to stitch it?” Watanuki asked nervously.

“No,” Doumeki answered. “I don’t think it’s a deep cut.”

“How would you know?” Watanuki now had his hands on his shoulders which was an awkward gesture in itself, considering their notable difference in height but this did not deter Watanuki at all. He pushed Doumeki to sit on the closest chair and Doumeki surprised himself by complying. He did feel somewhat dizzy.

“Where is the first aid kit?”

“Bathroom. Second door to the left.”

Watanuki was back in less than a minute. His hands were shaking as he opened the kit. Doumeki sighed and reassured him. “You’re right. It’s my fault. You don’t have to do anything. I should be able to—”

“Do you also have eyes at the back of your head?” Watanuki was already applying some antiseptic. It stung. “No? So let me do this for you, asshole.”

“Sorry,” Doumeki acquiesced. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“Quit apologizing and just stop touching me next time, how about that?” Watanuki sounded distant, clearly focused on cleaning the wound and bandaging it up.

Doumeki just shrugged his shoulders. And then he asked. “Does it look worse there than it actually feels?”

“Does it hurt?” For a moment, there was real concern in Watanuki’s voice. His fingers began massaging the surface close to the wound. The soft pressure and the circular motions were comforting. Doumeki found himself leaning closer to Watanuki. “Is this okay?” he asked Doumeki without any trace of annoyance now.

“Yeah,” Doumeki closed his eyes. “You make a very good nurse, Watanuki.”

He could tell Watanuki must have grimaced about that because he did feel him shift from his position, but other than that that he had no comment to offer. He just massaged Doumeki’s head a few more times with both hands now before he explained, “Look, from what I can tell, the wound is shallow and the blood coagulated already. But maybe we should still go to a clinic or something? There’s a nearby one just a few blocks away…”

“No,” Doumeki sounded tired even to his own ears. “Let’s just stay here and you keep doing that.”

“I could fetch someone if you can’t walk—”

“Yeah, I’m dizzy.”

“All right, just wait here and I—”

“No,” Doumeki wrapped his arms around Watanuki’s waist.

“Hey now!” Watanuki squirmed. “Don’t do that! What are you, five?”

“Stay here…” Doumeki nestled his face against Watanuki’s abdomen. He was really shorter than Doumeki that even in a sitting position, he could just reach Watanuki’s chest on this angle. It would be so easy to lay his head there and…

…he froze.

Doumeki jerked his head back and looked at Watanuki’s face. The surprise on the other boy’s expression mirrored his own. He slowly let his arms fall to his sides. Watanuki lowered his own hands too, fingers slipping from Doumeki’s hair.

“I,” Doumeki began but found that sufficient words escaped him.

“Yeah?” Watanuki asked although he looked like he didn’t want to be answered.

“I didn’t mean…”

“Yeah.” Watanuki nodded as if he really understood. “Okay. It’s fine.”

“You’re just so…” Doumeki tried to search for the right word. How would you describe someone so exhaustingly combative? Someone just as lonely as Himawari was before they found each other? Someone who says one thing but does another thing? Someone who would cast Doumeki aside like an enemy but then come back to him much later on, offering of peace in hand, as if they’ve been friends all along?

How would Doumeki describe Watanuki when there are so many things he doesn’t know about him yet, and the few things he does know tend to terrify him a little, even make him sick on the stomach. But this wasn’t like that anymore. There is a sharper edge to the way his chest kept throbbing as he looked at the other boy in the eye and yet it didn’t feel unpleasant. It wasn’t altogether welcome either. Doumeki couldn’t explain and it only made his head hurt some more.

“So what, Doumeki?” Watanuki asked, blinking at him.

“You’re so…” Doumeki tried again.

“What?”

“…I don’t know.”

“Shit,” Watanuki replied, scratching the back of his head. “Maybe you have concussion after all. Just stay here while I get help, okay?”

“My mom’s coming home in less than an hour,” Doumeki remarked.

“It would have helped if you said so,” Watanuki glared at him again but then changed his mind, probably realizing that antagonizing someone who had just bumped his head would be unproductive and cruel. “Can we contact her so she can hurry and help?”

Doumeki retrieved his phone from his pocket. “She’s the first in my contact list.”

Watanuki grabbed the phone before he could say otherwise and said, “Okay, I’ll text her. You just sit tight. Don’t move around or anything.”

“Where are you going?”

“The kitchen,” Watanuki answered. “I’m still baking those sweets, right? So I’ll just pop the ones in the tray inside the oven and then…”

“Stay here?” Doumeki sounded like he was pleading. Unfortunately, Watanuki picked up on it.

“Yeah, fine,” Watanuki was already walking away, his eyes on the phone on his hand.

He made good on his promise. Five minutes later, Watanuki sat beside him on another chair, checking the back of his head every now and then and asking him if it still hurt. Doumeki asked if he can eat some of the sweets now. Watanuki told him he was a bastard but stood up nonetheless to go to the kitchen.

He returned with a glass of milk instead. Doumeki raised an eyebrow at him.

“They’re not ready,” Watanuki said. “Five more minutes and then you can enjoy them with milk. I think they’d be good for that. Also, I contacted your mom. She’ll be here as soon as she can, she says. And I’m stuck babysitting you in the meantime.”

Doumeki didn’t complain. He was too tired for that. The dull ache at the back of his head somewhat mellowed him. He sipped the milk as Watanuki continued to give him nervous glances from where he sat. The silence is just as disconcerting as the ones they briefly had in the past so Doumeki decided to get over that awkwardness by reaching a hand toward Watanuki—and poking his stomach with a finger.

The way Watanuki shivered and almost fell over his chair was worth it.

“What is wrong with you this time?”

Doumeki sipped his milk again, doing it slowly, and acted as if he was innocent of everything. “I’m an only child.” He placed the glass down and looked almost meekly at Watanuki, feigning shame.

“So am I but you don’t see me bullying another boy as some sibling proxy!”

“You’re not allowed to be so cute then,” was Doumeki’s response which in hindsight should have embarrassed him because he shouldn’t have let that slip, but he was too busy trying to get another poke in. Completely annoyed now, Watanuki stood up and grabbed both of Doumeki’s wrists. He held him in place by doing so, glaring down at Doumeki, trying to look intimidating but that pout—it’s just so hard to take him seriously with that pout! Doumeki laughed.

“You’ve lost it!” Watanuki was trying not to shout but his cheeks are so red that Doumeki knew he was failing. “You must have bumped your head harder than I thought! Stop laughing! Why are you laughing? What is so funny?”

“This,” Doumeki answered truthfully. “You. Me. This whole thing.”

“Why?” Watanuki gripped him by the shoulders now.

“Because,” Doumeki contained his laughter long enough to reply, “I think I like you.”

The moment he said it, Doumeki was stunned to find out that he actually does mean it. That would certainly explain a lot of his behavior and uneasiness toward Watanuki.

Clearly, the other boy had never thought about that possibility and his eyes widened as he blurted out. “You think you what?!”

“I said—”

“I know what you said and I don’t want you to repeat it!”

“Then why ask—”

“Shut up, bastard!” Watanuki covered his mouth with his hand. “Stop talking. Stop laughing. Stop touching me. Just stop… _everything_ , dammit!”

Doumeki narrowed his eyes at him and exhaled through Watanuki’s hand still covering his mouth. As if burned, the other boy pulled away. He glared daggers but said nothing. There was that pout again. Doumeki was afraid that if he pointed it out, Watanuki might stop doing it so opted to just smile there as he sat. Suffice to say that didn’t help the situation and Watanuki slouched back to his own chair and looked like someone who reached the limit of his patience. It’s probably the case.

“Hey,” Doumeki nudged him with a foot this time.

Watanuki kicked him, but not too hard, on the shin. “Quit it.”

“Is that all you’re going to say to me?” Doumeki asked. “After I told you—”

The sound that came after Watanuki’s mouth was inhuman. There was no term for it. It was like a half-strangled moan and a wail from the depths. He was on his feet again and when he gripped Doumeki by the shoulders, this time he meant business. “Look,” he began, “You have a concussion, so I’m not going to hold this against you. But you have to stop talking and try to hang in there, okay?”

Doumeki blinked at him and realized Watanuki was indeed worried for his physical safety. So he nodded, looking like he has finally given up with the mind games. Watanuki was at least convinced which was why he stayed for a few seconds longer, just leaning over the taller boy, their faces only inches apart.

But then Doumeki opened his mouth and explained, “When I said I like you, I didn’t actually mean I want to be with you or kiss you or go on dates—”

“You!” Watanuki let him go and kept shaking his head in horror and disbelief. “You are just the worst! I didn’t think that at all when you said…” he looked away quickly and for a while looked torn about sitting down or just staying stuck in one place. He did the latter and met Doumeki’s gaze once more.

“Then why were you overreacting if you knew I only meant it in a friendly way?”

Watanuki crossed his arms. “Because it doesn’t make sense. Because I don’t think we know each other well enough for you to say that you like me.”

“Then let’s change that.”

“Hah?”

“Let’s get to know each other,” Doumeki offered. “That way, I can like you more and you will probably like me back. I mean, everybody does.”

“You arrogant bastard. Why would you—”

“I am popular in school.”

“And a paragon of humility too, no doubt.”

“That’s not a no.”

“It’s not a yes either.”

“So a maybe?” Doumeki smiled again.

Watanuki just stood there, staring blankly. The surface of his glasses had a harsh glint to them that made his expression even more unreadable.

“Fine,” he finally answered but he didn’t sound too pleased. “But let’s agree that you will keep your hands to yourself and you will stop interrupting my lunch time with Himawari-chan. I don’t need you hovering around in the staircase where we eat, and most certainly when you steal my food.”

“Counter offer,” Doumeki suggested, “I don’t do that but you and I get to hang out too. Without Himawari.”

An exasperated sigh. “Fine. But I get to pick the places.”

“Places?” Doumeki can’t help but brighten up. “As in ‘plural’?”

Realizing his mistake too late, Watanuki just opened his mouth and the closed it again. He turned away from Doumeki when he replied. “Just stop bullying me, okay? And then we’ll see if we could hang out as often…”

He forced the last statement rather sullenly but Doumeki was happy to hear it anyway. He leaned back on his chair and forgot about the fact that he has a head wound. Watanuki didn’t look at him anymore and only moved once he heard the timer from the oven make a sound. He headed for the kitchen.

It was only when Doumeki was finishing all the sweets that Watanuki baked (a good seven of them) that his mother arrived. She profusely thanked the other boy and it allowed Doumeki to glimpse at that boyish embarrassed smile of his again from the corner where he sat. Watanuki met his gaze from the other side of the room and as soon as Doumeki’s mother turned away, he pouted at Doumeki then rolled his eyes.

The combination was perfect. Doumeki didn’t hate that look on Watanuki at all. He'd do anything to see it again.

 

* * *

 


	2. Rationale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think you want to spend time with me too. That way you’ll see for yourself that we’ll get along.”
> 
> “But we don’t!” 
> 
> “I think we do. And we will.”

* * *

 

 

Since his mother died under unusual circumstances, Kimihiro Watanuki was sent to therapy almost every week until he was thirteen years old. He had at least four different specialists check up on him while he was growing up, but since now he’s only been seeing one exclusively. However, he has missed an appointment two months ago, and because of his part-time work at Yuuko’s shop, (and the strange sort of horrors he’s been caught up in), he hasn’t scheduled a new meeting in awhile. Watanuki vowed that today after school he will go to the mental care facility and do just that. He left the classroom as soon as dismissal was announced by the shrill sound of the bell everyone has been accustomed to, and walked the corridors with hurried steps. He still has to buy groceries for Yuuko after all who has a grating tendency to demand the most fickle kinds of food out of nowhere. He needs to be ready for that witch’s requests.

Once he reached the staircase where he would usually sit with Himawari during lunch, he can’t help but smile a little to himself. This quickly changed when he saw Doumeki sitting in one of the steps, wearing earphones and playing some game on his phone. Watanuki paused, wondering how he could cross without being noticed. Deciding that Doumeki is preoccupied with whatever he was doing, Watanuki tried to climb down the steps as inconspicuously as he could.

He thought he was safe but after only two yards away from the landing, Doumeki called out. “Yo!” he said, voice booming due the emptiness of the place, “Are you going somewhere?”

“Obviously, since classes have ended,” Watanuki sharply turned back, glaring at him. He asked, his annoyance beginning to take over. “Did you cut classes?”

“I was in the clinic,” he pointed a thumb at the back of his head, indicating his previous head injury. Watanuki blinked and felt embarrassed to have forgotten about that. He shoved his hands in his pockets.

“How are you feeling then?” Watanuki couldn’t help but walk back closer to the other boy. Doumeki merely slouched and rubbed the back of his neck in response. He looks a little pitiful in this angle, and Watanuki's guilt worsened which was odd because it's not like it was his fault that Doumeki fell...except that he did fall on him.

“Still dizzy?” Watanuki asked again. “Hey, maybe you should go home already.”

“Walk with me then?” Doumeki smiled a little when he said that.

“Hmph,” Watanuki tried not to sound too displeased but he did feel somewhat obligated to accompany the guy. “Fine but, uh, I have somewhere I need to go first…look, never mind. I’ll walk you home first then I’ll just—”

“Why don’t you just take me there with you, wherever that is?”

“I can’t do that,” Watanuki shook his head once. “It’s something…I guess, personal.”

“But it would save you the trip, right?” Doumeki slowly got up and looked down at Watanuki from the step he was standing in. “Tell me, do we pass by this place somewhere down the road to my own house?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Then it’s fine,” Doumeki stepped down and met Watanuki from where he stood. He gave him another smile. “I wouldn’t mind.”

“Well, I would.” Watanuki narrowed his eyes at him, his irritation now showing. “I told you it’s personal. What part of that statement did you not get?”

Doumeki shrugged his shoulders. And then he said, “How about we stop some place and grab something to eat? I’m sort of craving for burger and fries.”

“Wh—? I mean, why would—?” Watanuki doesn’t know how to deal with someone who is so clueless about everything. Why does Doumeki insist on hanging around with him? He knew he said something about wanting to get to know each other and becoming friends but…

Watanuki doesn’t do friendships, period. He had made an exception with Himawari, and that’s it. That was also only because he wanted to be more than friends with her someday. Otherwise, why would he even want Doumeki as a friend? The guy is insufferable and unpredictable! He also keeps smiling like he has a hidden agenda or something, and Watanuki can’t help but distrust that on sight.

Well, at least he’s not crossing any personal boundaries today like the last time. Maybe Watanuki just needed to indulge him once and hope he’ll go away forever. He rubbed a hand on his temple repeatedly as he viewed his options. Afterwards, he managed to say, “Fine, fine. But just make it quick, okay? I have to stop by the grocery too so I can’t eat with you or anything like that—”

“Okay, which one do you want to do first?”

“Hah?”

“Let’s organize the whole thing properly,” Doumeki explained. “From the most important place to the least.”

“Uh,” Watanuki drew a blank for a while. Why is this guy so insistent on being around him? It’s not like there are ghosts haunting him on the way. That phenomenon had thankfully decreased after his encounter with the Jorougumo.

“So?” Doumeki asked again.

“Uh, I guess I need to go to the mental care facility first…” he trailed off. Shit, he didn’t mean to slip. He must have noticeably paled because Doumeki didn’t comment on it but instead asked him about the next place they are visiting.

“The grocery store? And then…and then…you know…we could grab something to eat like you said.” Watanuki found his compliance staggering but he couldn’t stop. Why was he not fighting this? He doesn’t like Doumeki at all. The guy is rude, selfish and has a tendency to bulldoze him about things. For instance, this very moment while they’re talking and supposedly negotiating what things to do together. This shouldn’t be happening right now. He should be walking away.

“And we can eat at my house then?”

Watanuki shook his head. “Absolutely not. I can’t stay at your house again. I got work to do in Yuuko-san’s shop.”

“Tell her you need a day-off.”

“I can’t do that—”

“Yes, you can.” Doumeki remarked. “Does she always have to be the boss of you? Working students need a break too. I’m sure if you asked nicely, she’ll let you have some fun. So, let’s stop by the shop first and then you can ask her—”

“No!” Watanuki almost shouted at him. He looked around but they were still alone. In spite that, he lowered his voice, but making sure he was maintaining its firmness. “I mean, we don’t have to see her later. Don’t worry about it because I can deal with her myself. So just shut up if you want to eat later!”

“At my house?”

“Of course, your house! Didn’t we just talk about that?”

“So you’re eating with me?” Doumeki smiled wider. “Great.”

“Well, yeah, whatever. Let’s go to the facility and grocery store first and then…” Watanuki was already walking ahead, expecting Doumeki to trail behind. And then he whipped his head back and stopped. “Wait, hold on! How are you doing that?!”

“Hah?” Doumeki quirked an eyebrow.

“How did you get me to agree with all your ridiculous demands of…of—companionship?” Watanuki really found it mind-boggling. “I have an entire day planned already before you started modifying it like it has anything to do with you in the first place!” He punched Doumeki in the arm, though not as hard as he’d like.

“Maybe…” Doumeki trailed off. He stepped closer to Watanuki until they are a yard apart. “I’m just throwing this out there, okay? But I have a theory.”

“About what?” Watanuki looked up at him. He hated doing that most of all. The guy is a giant and he should not be allowed to grow some more! The gods would be cruel indeed if he became even taller than he already is. Wait, why is that bothering him so much? He’s never been insecure about his own height…until now.

“I think you want to spend time with me too.”

Watanuki blinked. He was dwelling too much on their height difference that he didn’t even realize Doumeki has already answered his question. “What was that?”

“I said,” Doumeki leaned down and Watanuki instinctively took a few steps back and found his back against a wall. How did that get there? By now, his focus is solely on the other boy now who is leaning too close for comfort. Watanuki’s breath hitched.

“…the reason why you’re adjusting your schedule for my sake is because you want to spend time with me too,” Doumeki finished. Watanuki felt like he was going to be sick especially the way Doumeki was whispering those words as if they’re made of poison. These were all lies, course! But to further dump on that burning pile of crap, Doumeki even bequeathed Watanuki a smile. “And it’s okay, really. I think it’d be nice to spend time together. That way you’ll see for yourself that we’ll get along.”

“But we don’t!” was Watanuki’s desperate plea for argument.

Doumeki’s smile widened an inch. “I think we do. And we will.”

“You’re…you’re just so…” Watanuki couldn’t find the right word to describe the other guy completely. How would you describe someone whose pursuit for friendship is almost like engaging in a battle of wills rather than just mere camaraderie? What word in any language of the world could Watanuki use to sufficiently convey that there is something about Doumeki that is making him itch so badly, like a scab he couldn’t stop picking?

In that moment, Watanuki decided that he needed to learn what that word was which meant he needed—oh gods, he _wanted_ —to get to know Doumeki some more. Possibly starting with his first name--he didn't even know the asshole's first name!

“I’m so what?” Doumeki was asking.

Watanuki pushed his glasses to the bridge of his nose in a show of composure even though he is more than ready to jump out of his own skin.

“I don’t know,” Watanuki answered and shoved him off so he can start walking ahead, slinging his bag over his shoulder as he does.

 _At least not yet anyway_.

He turned around to give Doumeki his fiercest glare and shouted, “Come on, you bastard! I told you I have places to get to. So start moving or get left behind!”

_I’m going to figure it out. You just wait._

And for the very first time, Doumeki had actually made Watanuki smile.

 

* * *

 


	3. Inexplicable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I just want you to know I hate you and that you smell and that you’re a pervert as well as a bully.”
> 
> “Yeah, maybe.”

* * *

 

 

Doumeki matched Watanuki’s footsteps as the two of them trudged side by side in the narrow pathway of the third street they’ve been walking on which was a slope that was heading downhill. They’ve rubbed arms every now and then. The first time they made contact, Watanuki tried to get more space between them by walking closer to the edge of the wall as an exaggerated response. Doumeki gave him a condescending look as if to say he was being a child, and nudged him by the elbow, almost tripping him though it was unintentional. Watanuki answered back by shooting his fist against Doumeki’s shoulder to push him away to the other side. Doumeki just laughed it off, probably sounding more amused and carefree than he intended because it served to only irritate the shorter boy some more that he quickened his pace just to get away from him.

Doumeki caught up to him and then ran faster down the slope. Watanuki was surprised by this change of direction, but recovered long enough to chase him. The two of them ended up gasping for breath by the landing, hands on their knees as they both bent down. Doumeki looked across him and grinned. Watanuki would like to believe he didn’t smile back but his cheeks felt painful by the strain of his mouth forming into just that. Doumeki was the first one to pull himself up and then he patted Watanuki heavily on his shoulder, tightening it into a grip. Watanuki shook him off, calling out random insults that lacked any kind of aggressive intent.

There was a tingling in his ears he couldn’t ignore, and it also felt like every nerve ending in his body was sensitive to touch. This rush of adrenaline was only recognizable in theory, but this was definitely the first time he has ever been under its spell. Watanuki never remembered being this happy in a while, especially not because of someone else’s doing. He was a quiet, withdrawn child who can see spirits and was haunted by them almost every day that sometimes it was easier to disappear into a safe cocoon of his own private thoughts and solitary habits, forgetting that he may need other people—other boys his age—to mingle with.

It was good to know there was still a chance to come out of that shell and make friends—even if it’s with an awful jerk like Doumeki who has the brightest, most genuine smile he had ever seen. Not even Himawari can smile like that. It confused and annoyed Watanuki at the same time so he tried to kick Doumeki on the shin again but he missed. Doumeki was laughing—but never at him. It made his stomach flip just a little bit, and he didn’t hate that sensation at all.

“Hey, idiot,” he called out to Doumeki when the other boy was rushing toward another corner of the street. “Not that way. The mental care facility is this way!”

Doumeki ran back to him like a dog would. That image was so vivid and hilarious that he openly shared it, hoping that it might humiliate the other boy. But everything just rolls from Doumeki’s shoulders because he merely stuck out his tongue and started breathing rapidly in a way a dog would. Watanuki hated himself for enjoying the display, hated that he laughed and snorted like a pig because that was embarrassing especially when Doumeki picked up on it and then started squeezing his nose while saying, “Oink, oink” a few times. Watanuki landed some solid punches (and once by swinging his bag) on Doumeki as a playful violent retort, but they weren’t strong enough. He was too preoccupied trying not to let more laughter spill from his mouth.

“Stupid bastard bully!” Watanuki shouted after him as they raced each other through the next street, their footsteps ringing across the pavement as if they have made it their home. “I’ll definitely kill you!” but his voice faltered into a faint hiccup as yet another lungful of laughter spurts out as he ran after Doumeki.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

It was getting out of hand but the little twerp is so awkward and receptive to the littlest of things that Doumeki just couldn’t stop trying to dismantle him until Watanuki is nothing more than a writhing mass of giggle fits. It took less than fifteen minutes to accomplish that, and Doumeki had never been so proud of himself.

They sat on a nearby bench which was under the shade of a tree facing the mental care facility. They were sweating through their dark uniforms. Watanuki looked horrible with sweat running down his temples while his jet-black hair looked more disastrous than usual. It was not altogether an off-putting sight, however. His cheeks have a nice shade of pink now, and he was still chuckling to himself.

If he didn’t know him any better like he does now, Doumeki would have just thought Watanuki is just another ordinary high school boy, sitting across him during this lovely day. He almost forgot the reason why they are here to begin with. Watanuki was going to visit the mental care facility whose building they are looking at right now. Doumeki frowned at the implication of that and a small part of him dreaded to ask Watanuki for any more details about his life.

Instead, he decided from then on that he will make it a personal mission to see Watanuki enjoy himself—teach him to let go a little bit to have fun—as if he had never been hurt or afraid all his life with the ghouls he has to face everyday. Doumeki couldn’t help but think about how so much alike he and his childhood friend Himawari are. Sometimes Doumeki believes Himawari has worn too much of her mask of neutral sweetness that she has learned to hide from him as well. Doumeki would lay awake at night and wondered if she was now out of his reach.

Maybe he can stop that from happening with Watanuki. Maybe if he held him tighter enough Doumeki could be his anchor. He could show him that his supernatural sight doesn’t have to be a burden to carry alone. Doumeki has powers to repel bad spirits after all, and they could be the perfect duo. He has to convince Watanuki that keeping him close is the smartest choice and that maybe this was destiny. As Doumeki sat there gazing at the other boy who was busy wiping dust and sweat from his glasses, he was surprised to find out that there was strength in the conviction he is reciting in his mind. It made him feel weird so he deflected by lightly slapping Watanuki on the right cheek.

The shorter boy glared back as he put on back his glasses.

“You’re bathing on your sweat, you sticky little boy,” Doumeki remarked, flicking Watanuki’s nose with his two fingers.

Watanuki kicked him on the knee and said, “Well, you don’t look so hot yourself.”

“I saw a drinking fountain over there,” Doumeki nodded his head toward the direction he indicated but he was too tired to get up. “Why don’t you go ahead? You might already be dehydrated so…”

“Come with me,” Watanuki was already on his feet, pulling Doumeki by the arm.

They took turns drinking and then sprinkling each other with water afterwards. Unmindful of whoever was watching them, Doumeki took off his black top since he was feeling hot. He was wearing a white shirt under it anyway. He turned to Watanuki and saw his eyes widened. When their eyes met, he turned away so fast that his head might have received a whiplash from the action.

“Hey, Mr. Virtuous, it’s not like I got naked in front of you,” he teased.

“Shut up!” Watanuki’s voice sounded strained. “Have some decency, though! People might walk pass and see your ugly torso on display.”

“I’ll have you know that as an athlete, I possess quite the muscular physique that I heard some of the girls at school go crazy for.”

That made Watanuki turn around. His cheeks are redder. “Could you be more disgusting? I don’t need to hear you praise yourself like that! Idiot!”

In response, Doumeki proceeded to make ridiculous bodybuilding poses accompanying them with grunting noises for full effect. Watanuki looked like wanted to rip the drinking fountain between them and throw it at him just so he’d stop. Doumeki did after a while, but not before he whipped his black top at Watanuki, catching him by the face.

“That fucking hurt!” Watanuki covered his face with one hand. He does sound like he was hurt and Doumeki rushed to his side.

“Let me see.”

“Why do you have to slap me like that anyway?”

“Let me see!” Doumeki tore Watanuki’s hand away to inspect for any wound. He was greeted instead by Watanuki’s pout. Doumeki smirked but stopped himself. Watanuki truly looked like he reached his limit of rough-and-tumble games for the day. Feeling bad, Doumeki wrapped one arm behind the shorter boy’s back and pressed his face to his chest as a consoling gesture. It was his way of offering an apology by not uttering it with words.

Watanuki didn’t complain about it at all. He just breathed in and out against his chest, and the sensation of his breath tickled Doumeki slightly.

“I hate you,” Watanuki was muttering on his shirt. “I just want you to know I hate you and that you smell and that you’re a pervert as well as a bully.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Doumeki rubbed Watanuki’s back with his other hand and then slapped him on the lower part of his body that made Watanuki wince and violently shove him off, squealing in a way that can never be mistaken as manly.

“PER-” Watanuki punctured the syllables with everything he’s got. “-VERT!”

Doumeki just grinned.

“You’re just so—!”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know what but I don’t like it!”

“Okay,” Doumeki nodded in mocking sympathy.

They spent a few more minutes righting themselves so they could look presentable enough before they could even attempt entering a professional landscape, let alone one that supposedly evaluates people’s mental health. Watanuki walked rather stiffly inside with Doumeki trailing not too close behind him.

He heard Watanuki sigh in exasperation. Clearly, they still have a long day ahead.

 

* * *

 


	4. Doctor's Advice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I want to say I don’t hate you. I hate some things that you do but not you as a person.”
> 
> “They come with the package, you know.”

* * *

 

 

The walls were bare and clean, reflecting light from the low-hanging bulbs arranged in a neat row on the ceiling. Doumeki stared at them for a while until his attention was caught by the passing elderly nurse who was pushing a cart. He was blocking her way so he bowed his head in curt apology and moved away. She just looked at him blankly but at the last second managed to nod back. Doumeki looked across him and spotted Watanuki at the reception desk, filling in some kind of form. He approached carefully and elbowed him. “What’s that now?”

Watanuki answered, almost grumbling, “None of your business.”

"We could talk about it if you want.”

“That’s not what I want.”

“Suit yourself,” Doumeki walked over to take a seat in one of the plastic chairs. After a few minutes Watanuki was done writing and he joined him.

“What are we doing here anyway?” Doumeki had to ask.

“It’s just a routine appointment,” Watanuki replied. “It won’t take longer than five minutes. I just have to meet with this therapist and explain to him why I had missed our last schedule months ago. It’s really not a big deal. Do you mind waiting?”

“No,” Doumeki said. “We’re still getting food later, right?”

“Do you not think about anything else but food?”

“I also think about school work and my club activities.” Doumeki remarked.

“Whatever.”

“So, uh,” Doumeki shoved his hands back into his pockets as he slouched from his seat to meet Watanuki’s gaze better. “You go to therapy?”

“Is that a problem?” Watanuki posed it as if he was ready to strike him if Doumeki said the wrong thing.

“No, of course not,” Doumeki gave him a little smirk, “It’s not a very conventional thing to do around here though, but I think they do stuff like this in big cities, right? Honestly, I didn’t even know there’s a facility like this around here. I take a shortcut that doesn’t pass this block so that’s how I must have missed it.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Watanuki sounded like he’s not in the mood to talk.

But Doumeki was so he asked, “How long have you been going here?”

“Why do you want to know?” Watanuki scratched the back of his head.

“Just general curiosity.”

“You know by now I probably never had a conventional life,” Watanuki muttered.

“Yeah,” Doumeki said, “But why go to therapy? Is it mandated by a guardian or something?”

“Something,” Watanuki grumbled.

“Okay,” Doumeki nodded to show his interest. “It must have been tough for you, huh? Having to experience things that you have…I can’t imagine anyone being able to live through it.” He paused, looked off for a second at the reception desk, and then gazed at Watanuki until the other boy was forced to meet his eyes. As soon as he did, Doumeki added. “I think you’re very brave, Watanuki.”

Watanuki blinked at him at first, looking confused but then he rolled his eyes. Too bad he didn’t pout while he was at it. Doumeki would have loved that.

“No, I mean it.” he insisted anyway. “You’re brave.”

“Yeah, okay,” Watanuki still brushed him off. He shifted from his seat and cleared his throat. “Thanks? I mean, what do you want me to say?”

“Anything you like,” Doumeki answered. “I’m just stating the obvious. Sure, you’re rash and stupid too like that time with the spider lady—”

“Shut up about that!”

“Who’s even going to understand what we’re talking about?”

“And what do you mean I was stupid?” Watanuki muttered under his breath as he pinched Doumeki on his arm. “Fine, maybe I was. But I tried to fix it, right? I think for what it’s worth things would have been a lot worse if…”

“If?”

“Do you want me to say it?” Watanuki narrowed his eyes. “Is that what you’re waiting for? You just want me to say that I would have died if you weren’t there to help me out? Are you so desperate for any kind of gratitude?”

“No,” Doumeki smiled and patted Watanuki on his knee. “You already covered that with the bento you made for me. It was very sweet, by the way.”

“Gods, you’re such a dick,” Watanuki shook him off and then kicked an imaginary dust on the ground as he turned his body away from Doumeki. And there was that pout again. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

“I already made that clear,” he responded. “I want to be friends. I want to get to know you more. That can’t happen unless you want it too…unless you let me.”

“And should I let you?”

“Up to you.”

“What if I don’t want to have anything to do with you?”

“Then you’re lying to yourself and that’s the coward’s way.”

Watanuki punched him in the arm lightly. “I really don’t get you.”

“Let me help with that,” Doumeki wrapped a hand around his fist and held it there as he looked the other boy in the eye and added, “Kimihiro Watanuki, I’m Shizuka Doumeki. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Can we be friends?”

Watanuki opened his mouth to reply with a snarky comment in return. But then at the last second he looked like he decided against it. He closed his mouth, sighed through his nose, and then uncurled fist so he can shake Doumeki’s hand.

“Nice to meet you,” he muttered, looking sullen while he said it but Doumeki just beamed at him and shook his hand back.

“You’re so weird,” Watanuki commented but he didn’t take away his hand and Doumeki saw that as an opportunity to squeeze it.

“Look who’s talking…” Doumeki shifted in his seat to lean closer.

Watanuki didn’t bulge at all. He just looked at Doumeki before lowering his gaze somewhere on his face.

“Are you…” Doumeki almost whispered. “…counting my freckles, by any chance?”

“No! Why would I—” Watanuki ripped his hand away in an instant and started rambling in that fascinating way he did, “—wh-what—freckles are you talking about? I didn’t even notice any! I DIDN’T!” and then he looked like he wanted to disappear into a corner but Doumeki wasn’t letting him. He grabbed him by both arms and before another wrestling match occurred between them, the receptionist called out and informed them that the doctor is ready to see Watanuki in his office.

Watanuki rushed to get to the room, more than relieved to abandon Doumeki behind to laugh himself silly while he watched it happen.

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

Inside the office, the doctor—Yoshima-san—looked worriedly at Watanuki as soon as he entered. He asked him to take a seat and then asked the usual questions he always does whenever they begin one of their sessions. Watanuki tried his best to answer as truthfully as he could without getting into specific details regarding the events that transpired a few weeks earlier with Yuuko and the shop; cases about the paranormal; meeting Doumeki, and finding out about Himawari’s secret.

Yoshima-san only had one last question left and he asked it with a smile, “Who is that young man who accompanied you, Kimihiro-san? A friend?”

Watanuki gulped down hard before he nodded meekly.

“Oh, that’s nice!” the doctor nodded enthusiastically. “I knew eventually you’ll make friends. You certainly took your time to get around to it, but it’s normal, all things considered. Are you getting along well with him?”

“Sure,” Watanuki shrugged his shoulders. “I mean, he annoys me but…he’s nice.”

The doctor laughed. “Well, as long as he’s someone who understands you and what you’re going through.”

“He doesn’t know.”

“I’m sorry?”

“About…my mother.”

Yoshima-san’s expression softened into something close to fatherly that had always made Watanuki tense up. The doctor spoke slowly to him now, “Kimihiro-san, you know that I will never force you to do something you’re not ready for. But I’d just like to say that you have made some steady progress over the years, and I would hate to see you take a huge step back all of a sudden,” he moved his chair closer to where Watanuki sat and continued, “There’s no argument that what you’ve experienced when you were so young—no one should go through that, especially alone. But you did. And for a time it was so hard for you to adjust to a normal life. But time does heal wounds and now that you’re seventeen and have a stable home life with a responsible guardian, lots of good things happened for you in effect, right?”

“Yes,” Watanuki replied and agreed with his assessment as long as he didn’t take the hauntings and his curse into account. Other than that, everything has been stable like the good doctor said. Still, he found himself asking. “What does this have anything to do with Doumeki?”

“Your friend,” Yoshima-san began, “do you think he cares about you?”

“I don’t know,” was his quick, dismissive reply.

“But do you want him to care about you?”

That was a loaded question as far as he’s concerned so he only shrugged his shoulders. How can he know what he wants at this point?

“I think if you want your friend to understand you and therefore learn to care about you,” the doctor explained, “then you have to make yourself known and understood. You can do that by opening up and being honest with him. And that sounds scary, isn’t it? Because that requires trust and trust is a pricey thing to just give someone.”

“It is,” Watanuki looked down at his hands on his lap. “I’m not sure how I could do any of the things you asked. I’m still…not sure about him.”

“Then why did you bring him here, Kimihiro-san? If there wasn’t a part of you that wishes that this boy would get to know you better, why take him here in the one place where you know could expose you?"

Watanuki tried to make sense of it too as he tried to answer, “Because…because—well, he insisted to come with me.”

“And you just let him?”

“Yeah.” Watanuki rubbed his face with a hand. “He’s really confounding! I don’t know what to think or feel about us hanging out. But he’s here now and I think I’m trying everything to push him away because…it would be better if I did."

“Because?”

“A lot of things, I guess,” Watanuki leaned his elbows on his knees as he bent down. “But I think mostly is that I don’t want to inconvenience him. I don’t want him to get involved in things that might be too much to handle. He’s a pretty carefree guy and he’s friends with this girl who is… what I’m saying is that I just don’t want to be a burden. He should find somebody else who doesn’t have my history.”

“Kimihiro-san,” the doctor patted his knee reassuringly. “You’re not a burden. I can personally attest to that.”

“But isn’t it your job to take care of me?” Watanuki tried not to sound rude when he posed that question. “It’s not like it’s personal for you, really.”

And Yoshima-san just laughed. He gave Watanuki’s knee a squeeze before he let him go. “There’s that context but I wouldn’t be in this profession if I didn’t want to help kids like you. And from what I can see, you’re one of the good ones, Kimihiro-san. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t feel the things you’re feeling now. You wouldn’t doubt yourself and you wouldn’t be so afraid. Any of those things is a human thing to be.”

The doctor stood up now and added, “To be in a constant battle between letting go and holding on—to believe or disregard your own worth—the process of it all is what makes us human beings, Kimihiro-san. And you’re someone who has dealt with the awful burden of survivor’s guilt.”

Watanuki nodded stiffly. He wrapped his arms around him and closed his eyes. “I’m so tired of feeling bad. I know I should move on and I know I can do that but…I can’t stop blaming myself. You said—you said I was just a kid but—”

“It was never your fault,” the doctor walked closer and placed a hand on his head as if he’s become a priest, ready to absolve Watanuki of his sins. “Your mother—the poor woman—she was already very sick. It’s a great suffering, it truly is, for a child to watch his parent slowly die in the hospital as if you had.”

“But she didn’t pass away in her bed, Yoshima-san,” Watanuki pulled his head away and looked into the older man’s eyes. “She died on that rooftop with me because she tried to save me. She tried to—you know about all of this already! I was going to jump because…you know, the imaginary friend and I…”

Only it wasn’t imaginary, but Watanuki has learned that Yoshima-san is a man of science and not of faith and couldn’t possibly believe in ghosts and the supernatural.

But the doctor cared enough to try and spare him from any of the residual guilt as he replied in a sterner yet kind voice, “You can’t still think that your overactive imagination is the cause of your mother’s death? You were a child whose only parent is dying from a terminal illness, Kimihiro-san. It was only understandable for you to escape reality and create a world for yourself. It just so happens—under tragic circumstances that are beyond your control—”

“Okay,” Watanuki’s head felt heavy all of a sudden. “You’re right. I should—I should just stop with the…I just can’t sometimes, you know.”

Yoshima-san sat back down and placed a hand over Watanuki’s. “Take your time, Kimihiro-san. And if you are ready, then don’t second guess yourself with these bad thoughts about being a burden to people because if this boy—this Doumeki—wants to be your friend then you should at least give him good reasons to stick around instead of finding ways to get rid of him. That goes against every progress and milestone you have made so far, do you understand?”

“Yes,” Watanuki nodded and then stood up. “Thanks, Yoshima-san.”

The doctor smiled and asked. “Same time next week Saturday then?”

“Yes,” Watanuki smiled back and bowed his head. “I promise to make it.”

“I know you will, Kimihiro-san,” Yoshima-san patted his shoulder before he headed for the door. “And good luck.”

 

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

 

“Hey, you’re quiet again,” Doumeki observed. “What happened back there?”

Watanuki shrugged his shoulders as he headed towards the exit door. Once they were both outside, he turned to Doumeki.

“I’ll skip buying stuff from the grocery store tonight,” he explained. “It’s almost dark anyway and I’m not going to the shop after all.”

“But we’re still—”

“Getting your burger and fries, yes,” Watanuki crossed his arms, his bag dangling in front of him. “So hurry up. And you better have money in you because I’m not buying!”

“How rude,” Doumeki started walking again and Watanuki followed suit. “I was actually going to treat you.”

“I don’t like fast food,” Watanuki remarked. “Besides, I can cook my own food at home. It’s fine. Don’t buy me anything. I wouldn’t eat it.”

Doumeki snorted. “Everybody likes fast food.”

“Not me,” Watanuki elbowed him in the arm and quickened his pace. “So we’re going to your place afterwards, right? You’ll eat your food there?”

“Yeah,” Doumeki looked at him. “Are you trying to back out again?”

“That’s the coward’s way,” Watanuki replied and met his gaze. “And I’m tired of lying to myself.” He stopped walking suddenly. “Look, Doumeki...”

“What?” Doumeki turned around as he stopped. They were only a few yards away from each other. “Are you trying to tell me something? Just spit it out.”

“I want to say,” Watanuki took a huge breath and then he said, “I want to say I don’t hate you. I know I said that a while ago but…it’s not true. I hate some things that you do like invading my personal space every chance you get. Also your smile. And I did notice your freckles and I hate those too.”

“This is going well,” Doumeki interjected. “Anything else you feel like criticizing?”

“I hate those things but not you as a person.”

“They come with the package, you know.”

“Look, what I want to say is…” Watanuki fidgeted a little as if he doesn’t know what to do with his hands, or the fact that he’s still clutching his bag. He looked very nervous and unsure, and Doumeki is beginning to feel the same.

“Oi, Watanuki—”

“I think I’m starting to like you!”

“Hah?”

“Didn’t you hear me? It was very clear.”

“No, it wasn’t,” Doumeki tried to stop himself from grinning. “So I need you to repeat it again for me. Please?”

Watanuki shook his head adamantly.

“If I shout that I like you as loud as I could, would you say it back to me again?”

“No, you dumb—”

“I LIKE YOU, WATANUKI!”

And the shorter boy rushed toward him and covered his mouth, or at least tried to but he struggled to reach Doumeki, and it was very funny to watch him do it.

“How are you even possible?” Watanuki was punching him clumsily, ignoring that Doumeki managed to duck each blow every time. “How does someone like you get to be so popular with girls, let alone be friends with Himawari-chan! You’re an oaf!”

Doumeki grabbed his wrists. “Well, I told you I didn’t hear you clearly the first time and I wanted you to say it again.”

Struggling to pull himself away, Watanuki spat out. “Ugh! I _was_ starting to like you, dumbass, but now—”

“No take-backs,” Doumeki used Watanuki’s momentum against him so he can turn him around and press the shorter boy closer to him, with Watanuki’s back colliding on his chest. “And you shouldn’t fight with someone who is bigger than you.”

To his surprise, Watanuki didn’t struggle. Instead he just kicked his feet under him in outright petulance and said, “I can’t believe that the first guy friend I ever made had to be a horrendous, pompous ass with no concept of personal space! Now let go!”

Doumeki didn’t. He simply couldn’t and he doesn’t want to. So he asked instead. “Just to be clear: we’re friends now? You’re not going to bitch and moan about how you don’t want to have anything to do with me?”

“Yeah, I won’t.” Watanuki grumbled. “But I’m telling you right now that I’m not going to get used to this kind of brute treatment! Force this on me again and I will fight you! I will fight you, Shizuka Doumeki—and by the way, that’s a girl’s name. You have a stupid name! I hate that too.”

Doumeki laughed and loosened his hold. “And the other thing?”

“What other thing?”

Doumeki rubbed a hand on his face, skewing his glasses in the process. Watanuki elbowed him hard on the ribs.

“Do I really have to say it again?”

“If you want me to ever let you go, yes.”

“This isn’t normal behavior, Doumeki.”

“I’m not normal. You’re not normal. No one’s normal.”

“Or you’re just a jerk.”

“And you’re stalling."

Watanuki shifted so he can turn around. Doumeki allowed him and he looked down on the shorter boy who is slowly meeting his gaze.

“I, uh,” Watanuki began, still mincing his words, “I’m starting to...like—”

“That’s a lie,” Doumeki insisted, grinning. “You already like me.”

“You’re the worst,” Watanuki breathed out, his cheeks reddening. “And I’m not saying that. That’s not what I—quit putting words in my—”

Doumeki just stared and waited, hardly blinking. His hands were still on Watanuki’s wrists while his arms were still wrapped around the shorter boy. Watanuki was looking at him with furrowed eyebrows and slightly parted lips. He didn’t say anything and just stared back. Doumeki blew air into his bangs. Watanuki closed his eyes at this and moved his face an inch away. Doumeki’s hold was loose enough for him to pry himself completely away but Watanuki doesn’t.

“Fine,” he finally acquiesced, whispering low but with irritation gnawing on his tone. “So I like you back. It’s not a big deal. There’s no need to make a spectacle about it!”

In response, Doumeki leaned down and kissed his forehead. It was barely a prolonged contact but the sensation of skin on his lips alone made him giddy, admittedly.

This time Watanuki pushed himself away and took a few steps back. Before he could ask, Doumeki coolly explained, “Back when we were kids, Himawari would do that to me. She said it’s a comforting gesture. So I decided to try it.”

“Then how come I don’t feel comforted? Even with that explanation?”

“I don’t know,” Doumeki just started walking. Watanuki gasped from behind him but still followed. “I think it’s because you’ve got issues with people trying to get close to you. Maybe that’s why you’re so tense when they do get close enough.”

Watanuki was quiet for a while. He must have struck a nerve. They walked in peace until he said, “If you have any plans doing that again…just…you know— _don’t_.”

Doumeki just nodded. “Not even if you beg me to.”

“Jerk,” Watanuki bumped his arm against Doumeki’s with more force than usual. From the corner of his eye, Doumeki swore he saw the shorter boy smile.

Doumeki smirked back and continued looking ahead as they walked.

 

* * *

 


	5. A Close Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How do you think I could be a good friend to you? Because that’s all I want to be.”

 

* * *

 

Watanuki has been eyeing him for five minutes now but Doumeki said nothing, more content on munching on his meal. He had asked for the biggest burger in the menu and he also ordered two boxes of fries which he was willing to share with Watanuki but the other boy is adamant about his ‘no fast food’ policy. What a princess. Doumeki didn’t bother with any conversation for now because he was, quite frankly, starving. It was six in the evening and his mother is still out with some of her colleagues from work. She has texted him at school that she might get home by next morning. Doumeki hasn’t minded her absence since he started middle school and she took on two jobs. They maintained an unspoken agreement that this was the best (if not the only) way they can make of their circumstances work for them. He really didn’t mind that he can’t even remember the last time they just sat down together as a family and had dinner…or breakfast. But what is he going to do?

He has his academics and the archery club. Those two things already take a huge amount of his time daily. Then on the second weekend of every month, he is invited by his former classmates from his previous school for some out-of-town trip where they could go to the beach, get drunk and flirt with college girls. Doumeki smiled to himself when he remembered their last trip, and how enjoyable it had been, and he began to wonder if Watanuki would be into doing something like that with him and his buddies. Has the guy ever gone anywhere and done something fun?

Probably not.

“Yo,” Doumeki muttered at Watanuki who was just sitting across him, all pout and glare. “You want to take a drive somewhere with me this coming month? I get together with a few friends and we just go to places, you know. Ever done that?”

“No,” Watanuki scowled. “And do you even have a license?”

“There are seven of us, and two of them do,” Doumeki answered, wiping the grease from his mouth with a tissue paper. He crumpled the rest of the trash and placed them inside the brown bag. He did all this as he explained. “They’re older than we were because they repeated a year. One of them has an uncle who owns a resort. We go there just to relax and unwind, maybe drink and invite some girls…sing karaoke.” There was still one box of fries left. He left it on the table, in case Watanuki stopped being weird about fast food and finally decide to try it.

“ _You_ sing karaoke?”

“Don’t you?” Doumeki grabbed a bottle of sanitizer from his bag and applied it on his hands. He quirked an eyebrow at the other boy.

Watanuki crossed his arms. “I obviously don’t.”

“As in never?”

“Why is this suddenly interesting to you?”

“Is it because you never had any friends to do it with?” Doumeki didn’t realize that the question came out bluntly until Watanuki’s eyes widened and the mood in the room shifted into something less amiable. He would have taken it back but then Watanuki was already rambling.

“Well, I’m sorry if I’m not as popular and sociable like the great Shizuka Doumeki,” he was saying, “I’m sorry I didn’t have the same opportunities or grew up in the same kind of privileged environment that fostered your confidence and allowed you to make tons of friends with long-lasting ties.”

“Hey,” Doumeki nudged him with his foot. “This isn’t a competition.”

“Clearly, because by your standards, I’m already the loser.”

“Would you stop with that?” Doumeki reached for his arm and yanked him close. Watanuki tried to resist but Doumeki got him sitting closer in no time. He wrapped an arm around his shoulder and said, his voice grim, “I get it. You’re a ball of insecurities. Who isn’t? You think you know me already just because I’m this open and accessible to you? I’m not usually like this, you know. I only make the effort to be this open for someone I actually like. Like you. And Himawari. So whatever this image you have of me in your mind, it’s incorrect and frankly a little hurtful.”

With Doumeki’s strong arm still slung around his shoulder, Watanuki could only turn his head in a limited way, and his eyes were still wide, caught by surprise by the sudden serious direction of this conversation. Doumeki didn’t give him a chance to come up with some dismissive retort because he went on, “And what is a privileged environment? What does that even mean? I think everyone should have the same opportunities when it comes to friendships. You…never had that then? So you think people are privileged if they do have friends? That…makes sense, actually. It explains why you’re reacting like you have something to be offended by; as if you feel like I’m judging you for your lack of these ‘long-lasting ties’ you speak of.”

Doumeki loosened his grip on the other boy’s shoulder and rested his hand instead on the floor. Watanuki shifted for more space after that, but didn’t say anything as if Doumeki had just revealed to him a rather shocking secret about humanity. It was almost adorable if it wasn’t so depressing.

“Look, that’s why I’m inviting you to the trip,” Doumeki explained. “I want you to meet my other friends and hopefully you can enjoy their company too.”

“Why?” Watanuki almost whined. “Why should I meet them so soon? Can’t I just—can’t I just be friends with _you_ and Himawari for now and that’s it?”

Doumeki paused. And then he answered. “If that’s what you’re comfortable with for the time being then that’s okay. But…” he edged closer, meeting the other boy’s gaze as he whispered. “You’re honestly my favorite person in the world right now and I can’t wait for my other friends to know about you.”

And then Watanuki’s mouth twitched and began opening and closing over and over like he was a dying fish or something.

“Besides, I guess you’re right,” Doumeki can’t help but smile as he held Watanuki’s gaze. “If I could have it my way all the time, I’d rather keep you for myself and not share you with anyone. Of course, I can’t. But if that’s what you mean when you said that you’d rather just—”

“Don’t make such creepy assumptions, you dick!” Watanuki stood up abruptly to look down at Doumeki as he half-shouted, “And I’m not some object you can just possess and do whatever you want with! And I know exactly what you are! You’re brash and outspoken and you have no regard for my say on the matter at all!”

“Then let me hear it,” Doumeki remained on the floor but he was meeting Watanuki’s eye evenly. “What do you want to say? This can only work if it’s a two-way street. So what do you want from me, Watanuki? How do you think I could be a good friend to you? Because that’s all I want to be.”

“Why would you ask me? Did you miss the part when I said I never had friends before? And certainly not someone as intrusive as you!”

Doumeki’s patience was almost being tested here so he proceeded with caution. “Tell me what I did wrong. You think I did something wrong. That’s why you’re angry right now, isn’t it?”

“I’m not angry,” Watanuki actually sounded like he meant it but Doumeki was unconvinced. He patted the empty spot beside him on the floor to urge Watanuki to sit again. The other boy continued to glare at first but then reason won over and he decided to sit back down though he refused to look at Doumeki again.

“Ready to talk now?” Doumeki asked carefully as he adjusted his position to make more room for Watanuki. “Can you do that, please? And stop making quick assumptions about me?”

“Only if you do the same,” Watanuki only glanced sideways once at him but kept his gaze in front the entire time.

“Okay,” Doumeki nodded. “Now tell me how I aggravated you.”

“It’s…” Watanuki rubbed the back of his head. “It’s just so hard.”

“What is?”

“All of this,” Watanuki admitted. “I mean, fine, we like each other and I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we became actual friends. I still think you’re an annoying jerk and you do and say things far too easily that makes me…uncomfortable. But…well, you are honest. Honest to a fault. No one has—” Watanuki lowered his head and muttered, almost too low to hear. “No one has been honest with me in a while.”

But Doumeki did hear it and something in his chest twisted a little. He wanted to reach his hand to pat Watanuki’s head but decided against it, knowing he might be invading his space again if he did. He asked instead. “You mean aside from Himawari from before?”

That caught his attention but instead of looking up, Watanuki pulled his legs close to him so his chin rested on his knees. He looked even smaller now. “Himawari trusted me. I thought that was nice of her because it showed she cared about my feelings. But I know she’s been avoiding me a little too. Not because she’s suddenly afraid I’d get closer—well, maybe. I mean, she’s _your_ friend. I just…I kindda miss her right now. Isn’t that weird? I barely know her until a few weeks ago and now,” Watanuki let out a nervous chuckle, “…now I can’t imagine my life without her.”

Doumeki nodded. He rubbed his cheek with his hand absentmindedly and then decided to share something from his childhood he had always treasured.

“She wasn’t always so reticent and careful, you know. Back before she became aware of her curse to its full extent, Himawari was…pretty rough. She liked to play with boys and she beat them in games all the time. I was…I was a little sickly growing up, actually. And she would always include me in the games and made sure no one was mean to me if I can’t keep up.”

Watanuki now looked at him. “Really? It does sound like something she would do.”

The blissful expression on his face made Doumeki’s chest twinge again. He had to look away first. When he didn’t speak up for a whole minute, Watanuki picked up the ball of the conversation and went on explaining.

“I know I overreacted a while ago about you and your friends,” he said. “I do appreciate your invitation. It’s, uh, nice of you to think of me as someone you want to spend more time with alongside other people but…I just don’t like being around groups of people in general. I mean, even inside the classroom with the other students…back when I was younger I’d get these panic attacks, you know.”

Watanuki sighed and then started playing with one of the loose buttons on his uniform’s left cuff. “I think it started when my mother was diagnosed with cancer.”

Doumeki heard in the way that his tone dropped (as well as the disheartening news itself) that they were now about to discuss a very sensitive topic so he began listening closely. Watanuki doesn’t speak up again for several seconds. When he did, he looked at Doumeki sideways again, his gaze resting somewhere on his arm.

“I go to therapy because of what happened to her,” he explained, speaking the words as monotonously as he could but Doumeki knew it was the only way to get through his story without crying. “Officially, she was caught with me in the hospital’s rooftop because she prevented me from jumping. The doctors said I had invented this imaginary friend to deal with my mother’s sickness. Because I was so young, I couldn’t tell the difference between what was real and what was not, and one day I played too close to the ledge of the roof. My mother followed me and rescued me just in time. The stress was…too much for her by then.”

“You said ‘officially’,” Doumeki remarked softly. “…so there was more to the story?”

“It wasn’t…” Watanuki tightened his arms around his legs now and from this angle Doumeki could see that his eyes were closed. “It wasn’t an imaginary friend. It was…a ghost of some child who may have died in the hospital. I can’t really…remember much. But it was…taunting me. It led me to the roof and my mother…she always knew about my…and so she—she got there in time…”

“Hey…” Doumeki reached out this time and did more than pat Watanuki’s head. In hindsight, it was what he wanted to do initially but then Watanuki finally looked up at him and even behind the glasses his tears were unmistakable. Doumeki ended up scooping his frame with one arm, holding him by his waist, before winding the other arm behind his back. Watanuki just…fell apart in his arms like that. Without any kind of struggle on his part, his body seemed weightless.

As soon as he fit into the embrace, Watanuki grabbed Doumeki’s shirt on his back with both fists, nails almost digging into the skin. It didn’t hurt Doumeki, not when he compared it to whatever pain Watanuki was allowing himself to relive right now.

“Hey,” Doumeki swallowed before he asked, whispering the words, “would you like some fries? I personally consider them comfort food. I also have ice cream in the fridge if you want something more traditional.”

Watanuki sniffed loudly. He said nothing for a while until he pushed Doumeki away slowly, searching to meet his gaze. His voice shook when he replied. “I-I told y-you I don’t eat fast food, asshole.”

“Everyone likes fast food,” Doumeki offered as his hand on Watanuki’s back glided upwards to cup his nape. “Just one bite, I swear it’ll be—”

“I-I can’t believe y-you’re a-advertising f-fast food right n-now…”

“Because if we keep talking about this, you’re going to keep crying,” Doumeki gently rubbed his nape. “And I think you’re going to hate yourself and then hate me for crying. That’s kind of your deal.”

“I won’t hate you,” Watanuki said that while he slapped Doumeki lightly on the shoulder. Repeatedly. “I couldn’t hate you. How could you say I’d hate you?”

“Earlier today—”

“I never always mean the things I say when I’m panicking, you know.”

“Why were you panicking?”

“Because!” Watanuki buried his face into Doumeki’s black top and sniffed again. “Because this is scary—scarier than ghosts or the Jorougumo. This is scary because I have never known feelings like this…feelings for another person.”

“Oh,” Doumeki doesn’t know why he’s smiling now. It was lucky Watanuki wasn’t looking or he might accuse him for being insensitive. For a long time as Watanuki clutched him and half-sobbed into his chest, all he could say again was just: “Oh.”

“You’re worthless.”

“You don’t mean that either, do you?”

“No, I mean it,” Watanuki pulled his head back and wiped his eyes clumsily with the sleeve of his uniform, ignoring how it skewed over his glasses. “You’re not very good at comforting people. Like, at all. Maybe…maybe you should work on that.”

“Comfort, huh?” Doumeki leaned down and kissed the other boy on the forehead for the second time. “Does that comfort you?”

“Not really…” Watanuki mumbled, his eyes barely open. He finally took off his glasses and continued wiping his tears away.

Doumeki kissed his forehead again. “Anything?”

“Yeah, that’s how that works,” Even Watanuki’s snide comment sounded pitiful as if it required too much effort on his part. “You just keep kissing me like I scraped something, and then the pain goes away with every kiss. You’re a genius, Shizuka.”

He knew that Watanuki addressing him by his first name was meant to be insulting but the moment between them was far too fragile to consider everything else with a clear head. That would certainly account for the next thing he did, which was to kiss Watanuki on his tear-soaked cheeks, like what his own mother used to do whenever Doumeki would cry at night because his lungs were filled with something painful and he could hardly breathe. Watanuki’s own breath hitched but he didn’t move away or talk back. He sat absolutely still with half-opened eyes as Doumeki lips glided too close against Watanuki’s, grazing it for a second. The contact made Doumeki jerk his head back. He blinked at Watanuki and prayed he didn’t notice.

“That didn’t help,” Watanuki mumbled again, rubbing his eyes one last time before putting on back his glasses. “But you tried. That means something.”

“What does it mean?” Doumeki felt lost. He wasn’t sure what to call that surge of emotion he felt when he almost kissed Watanuki on the lips but he knew it was _wrong_ even when a tiny part of his mind argued differently.

“It means I was wrong about you,” Watanuki cleared his throat. When he spoke up again, his voice sounded almost back to normal. “You’re not such a jerk after all. Except for the fries thing. How dare you force fast food while I’m at my weakest? It’s going to take me a while to forgive you for that transgression.”

He was attempting to joke so Doumeki smiled even though he still felt uncomfortable.

Watanuki returned the smile, though only meekly. He then pushed Doumeki on the chest with both hands. It was strong enough to make Doumeki fall back a little on his elbows. He was going to pull himself up again but then Watanuki hands were gripping him by the shoulders, holding him there in the position. He then kissed his forehead. It was just as quick as Doumeki’s first one back when they were standing in the middle of the street, but Doumeki swore the contact nonetheless _burned_.

Before he could even compose himself after that assault, Watanuki was already on his feet. He was collecting his bag from the corner when Doumeki sat back again, eyeing him with shock and mild embarrassment across his features.

“So I’m leaving now,” Watanuki was saying, “I really appreciate you listening, by the way. But it’s getting late and I had enough of this weird bonding thing we’ve been doing.” He slung his bag over his shoulder and looked back at Doumeki. “Sorry to unload my stuff on you like that but, uh, thanks for sticking around.”

Sheepishly, Watanuki bent down to take a fry from the box. He popped it in his mouth, smiled at Doumeki one last time, and then walked out of the room.

“I’ll see my way out,” he called as soon as he was out of Doumeki’s sight.

Oh.

Doumeki couldn’t move for a while as the realization dawned on him. He went back to his original problem from before--about what it was that was so unsettling about Watanuki, and why he couldn't put his finger on it.

How would he describe Watanuki?

Doumeki took a deep breath and then slowly placed both hands to cover his face, feeling the heat rising to his cheeks.

 _Oh_.

There was no word in any language of the world that could describe Watanuki completely, but there is a phrase that captures how Doumeki is beginning to feel for that strange and beautiful boy at this moment.

“I’m falling for that little weirdo,” Doumeki muttered through his hands and a mixture of disbelief, trepidation and _thrill_ tingled in his spine.

Why else would the other boy get under his skin the way he had? Why else would Doumeki almost kiss him and would have kissed him if he wasn't such a coward at the last second?

"No way," Doumeki shook his head, clearing away the cobwebs of temptation beginning to gather there. "It's not going to happen. I won't let it."

 

 

**xXx**

 

 

Watanuki walked by himself. The streets are bright even at night. No ghouls nipped on his heels as he contemplated the events that unfolded a while ago. Well, at least he finally found the words to define what it is about Doumeki that doesn't feel right.

 _He's my first real friend_ , Watanuki mused.  _And—gods help me—I have a crush on him._

It made him feel queasy, though not in a bad way.

Nothing is going to be easy from here on.

 

* * *

 


	6. An Understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You’re not alone. You’re never going to be alone again. I promise."
> 
> "I believe you."

* * *

 

 

 

_Hey. It’s Watanuki. What are you doing tomorrow after school?_

_How did you get my number? Did you ask Himawari?_

_Obviously. So what are you up to after school?_

_Are we going somewhere?_

_Only if you don’t have club. I have work at the shop. We could just hang before that._

_I’d recommend we go to a fast food joint but you’ll probably hate me for that, right?_

_You’re not wrong._

_Did you miss me already?_

_Do you have club?_

_Of course. You didn’t answer my question._

_Why don’t you answer your own question?_

_Huh?_

_Never mind. So how long will you be at the club for?_

_I usually stay for a full hour but if you want to hang, I can cut back to forty minutes._

_Don’t bother. It’s club. You shouldn’t slack off just because you can._

_If what I’ll be doing is slacking off, I have a pretty good reason to do it at least._

_Idiot. Don’t cut down club hours._

_Not even for you?_

_How about I just come by when you get a break from practice? I can bring early dinner. That way, you won’t have to eat shitty food like burger and fries._

_Have you ever even tried this food you criticize as shitty?_

_Of course I have. And it is shitty._

_Why are you so against fast food?_

_I’m not wasting mail to talk about this. And it’s late. Get some sleep._

_Not sleepy._

_Stupid. You have chemistry very early, right?_

_How do you know?_

_Himawari-chan and I talk about stuff._

_Like my schedule? Didn’t know you were so interested in what I do at school._

_Shut up. How’s your head? Is the wound healing nicely?_

_You can check it out tomorrow. Want you to do that massage thing again._

_You’re such a baby. Ask your mother._

_I have. I like your massage better. You’re very tender._

_You’re gross._

_You pouting?_

_Huh?_

_I like it when you pout. It’s like you’re a duck._

_I’m going to sleep. Be civilized tomorrow._

_Define please._

_No physical abuse please._

_But you will bring me food?_

_I just said I will. Pay attention to what I’m saying._

_Can’t. Imagining your pout._

_I. AM. NOT. POUTING._

_Quack. Quack._

_You are a child._

_And you’re still awake and talking to me. I thought you’re going to sleep._

_I am. But I want you to sleep too._

_How can I sleep if you’re talking to me?_

_Fine. I’ll stop. Night._

_But I want to talk to you._

_Tomorrow. After class. I’m bringing food._

_I want to talk to you_ _NOW_ _._

_We have been talking now get some damn sleep._

_Do you miss me?_

_Goodnight._

_I miss you._

_You saw me two days ago. You will see me tomorrow._

_It won’t be enough._

_It should be for now. Goodnight._

_Don’t sleep yet. I don’t want to sleep yet. Let’s keep talking._

_I’m already in bed._

_Are you?_

_Yes._

_Are you lonely?_

_No._

_It’s selfish to be lonely alone with so many lonely people._

_That’s from a book, right?_

_Maybe. Do you like to read?_

_Here and there. You?_

_Yeah. Grandfather has bookshelves of old books. I’m only halfway through. Do you want to borrow?_

_Anything good?_

_I got some horrific ones. Ghosts and stuff._

_Jerk. Are you trying to scare me? You know I hate shit like that._

_How about romance? We got a few there._

_Really? Are they trashy ones?_

_You like those? Girlie mags?_

_No._

_Do you have any there with you?_

_Obviously not._

_How would it be obvious? Never been to your place._

_Do I look like I’m secretly a pervert?_

_You look like you can be anything in secret._

_That’s a rude thing to say. I’m not talking to you anymore._

_Oh, don’t go. Please, Watanuki._

_Okay. Since you said ‘please’ like a good boy._

_I am a good boy._

_Sometimes I doubt it._

_Why? I’m nice to you._

_You have a different definition of ‘nice’ from mine, Doumeki._

_How nicer do you want me to be?_

_Well…_

_Well?_

_Two days ago when I told you about my mom. You did a nice thing when you let me cry. You didn’t make fun of me. I liked that._

_Okay. I’ll always let you cry when you want to then. Or if you want to talk about your mom some more. Or anything that bothers you._

_Hmm. Okay. Thanks._

_Anything for my duckie._

_And you’re a jerk again._

_You can give me a nickname to._

_Jerk._

_Duckie._

_We should go to sleep, jerk._

_Or we can keep talking like this until we just fall asleep, duckie._

_I don’t want your stupid words to be the last thing my eyes see before I fall asleep._

_I wouldn’t mind yours to be my last. You’re fun._

_And you’re the worst._

_He-he-he_

_You’re the worst conversationalist ever._

_What do you want to talk about?_

_Nothing. I want to sleep._

_Then go to sleep. I’ll keep mailing you. That way, I’ll be the first thing you read when you wake up later._

_I won’t reply._

_It’s okay. I’m seeing you anyway._

_Exactly. So save your words._

_But I like talking to you, duckie._

_I like talking to you too but this is just excessive. It’s almost 2 in the morning._

_Really?_

_Really what? It is 2 in the morning._ _2:17_ _in my clock._

_No. I mean do you like talking to me?_

_Why are you asking stupid questions with obvious answers?_

_Good. I could talk to you for days._

_Only if you learn to listen better._

_I will. I promise._

_Hmm. Okay. Thanks for that. Now go to sleep and stop mailing me._

_Watanuki?_

_What?_

_You’re not alone. You’re never going to be alone again. I promise._

_Yeah._

_Yeah what?_

_I believe you._

_Believe me about what?_

_You’re obviously not going away even if I wish it._

_Will you ever wish it?_

_No, jerk._

_Good. I’m staying with you. You will never get rid of me._

_That’s the creepiest thing anyone has ever said to me._

_But you do know I mean it, right?_

_That’s the creepy part._

_Why is it creepy?_

_Because you barely know me._

_I know enough. And what I know isn’t scaring me away._

_Hmmm. Right._

_It’s going to be you, me and Himawari from now on. She likes you around too._

_Me too. I like being around her._

_And? Anyone else you like being around with?_

_Make this about you again, will you?_

_Not if you want this to be about you._

_It’s fine. I don’t need that many people anyway. Too many is a crowd. And I got plenty enough of crowd from you. You’re already ten people._

_Too much for you then?_

_It’s enough._

_I’m enough?_

_Yeah._

_Why can’t it be tomorrow after school already?_

_What do you mean?_

_I need to see you._

_And you will._

_Watanuki?_

_Yeah?_

_About before. With your mom. I’m really sorry._

_Me too. It’s fine._

_It’s not fine if you blame yourself._

_I’m trying to stop doing that. Doctor said it’s not healthy._

_He’s right._

_I know. I’ll be fine, Doumeki._

_I kind of don’t want to sleep anymore. Just want to talk to you until it’s time to go to school._

_Me too. I want to keep talking to you. It’s pretty nice. But that’s not good for us. We could fall asleep in the classroom._

_Worth the risk?_

_Ha ha. No! Finals is a month from now. We need to focus more._

_Just tonight. No sleep. Let’s just talk._

_Tempting but no. We need to sleep._

_Charge your phone now. It will be a long…five hours or so._

_Already charging. And no, we’re not doing that. Stop._

_And yet you’re still mailing back._

_Because I’m worried about you. I want you to sleep. This is my last mail, okay? After this, we go to sleep. Am I being clear, Doumeki?_

_Fine. I’m only sleeping because I don’t want you worrying. But mail me after I send this so you’re the last thing I read before I sleep. Please?_

_Okay, here. I have mailed back. You can be such a baby, you know that? And if you’re any cuter, it would have been okay. But you’re not. Okay? This is the last thing you are reading so don’t reply anymore. Please get some rest, Doumeki. Goodnight._

 

_I know I said that I want you to be the last thing I read but I also want to be the first thing you read when you wake up later. That’s why I’m mailing you with this one. I will see you after school and that’s nine more hours. I can’t wait. I don’t care if it’s creepy. See you later, my duckie._

 

 

_I’m making you eat an entire three layers of jubako later just for being a weirdo. I can’t wait to see your stupid face. My creepy jerk._

 

* * *

 


	7. Taking Chances

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So…that’s a yes?” 
> 
> “Yuuko-san’s not in the shop, actually…” 
> 
> “So definitely a yes?”

* * *

 

 

During break, Watanuki spotted Himawari sitting by herself in the staircase, reading her notes, probably for the next class’ rumoured pop quiz. The first thing that struck him as he approached was that she wore a brand new pair of bright red ribbons. He thought the color was far too eye-catching for someone of her temperament, but he decided that he liked them. As soon as he slid to a spot next to her with a ready smile of his own, she returned it with something akin to a tight smile and it didn’t faze him at first since she still moved her bag away to accommodate him with more space. He had a bento ready for her and he had used a pink cloth with tiny sunflower designs to wrap it around with. She noticed this but her smile happened to dim some more instead of increase and that was when something began to disturb him about her countenance, so he had to ask, “Is everything okay, Himawari-chan?”

She shook her head, her smile still looking unusually morose. Watanuki decided not to push it if she was so adamant not to talk about it. To make up for her foul mood, he instead drowned the silence on her part by engaging in a rather one-sided conversation. Himawari had placed the bento on her lap the entire time but never made a move to eat its contents. Again, Watanuki didn’t push. Throughout their minimal chat, the only responses he ever got from her was when she nodded in agreement or widened her eyes to encourage him to expound on something. After five minutes or so, Watanuki couldn’t take her sudden icy treatment of him so he tried again, this time opting to be direct about it.

“Are you mad at me, Himawari-chan?”

“Goodness, no,” Himawari smiled again and it looked almost reassuring but Watanuki noticed her hands curling into loose fists on top of the bento on her lap.

“Then what’s wrong? You seem…anxious.”

She shook her head again but couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Himawari-chan…” Watanuki tried to reach his hand to take one of hers but she flinched away.

“You don’t have to worry about me all the time, Watanuki-kun,” she spoke, her voice soft but firm. “I have some things I’m dealing with at home right now but I don’t want to talk about it. Thank you for making me food again, but I think you have to stop, okay?” she finally met his gaze. “I’m not rejecting your friendship. I’m really not. I just…I just need time by myself, okay? So…”

She tried to hand him back the bento he had worked on very early this morning, but he placed both hands on hers this time, making sure he was emphasizing the gesture by tightening his hold a little while looking her in the eye.

“I made that for you,” he explained. “And I want you to have it.”

“Watanuki-kun,” she was going to protest so he stopped her by shaking his head and keeping her hands on hers. But she was insistent. “No, you listen to me.”

She withdrew from him and then slowly stood up. Watanuki followed suit, mouth agape. Himawari then pushed the bento back in his hand and clutched her notebook tightly against her chest as she lowered her gaze. She took a deep breath and then started reasoning out, “I really think you’ve been the nicest friend I could ever have…next to Doumeki-kun, that is. But sometimes I need to be alone and that is exactly what I need more than anything right now, and I hope you won’t think it has something to do with you because it doesn’t. It’s my problem. It shouldn’t have to include you in the equation. So please, Watanuki-kun…”

Himawari climbed up a few steps and looked him in the eye before she bowed and left, almost scurrying off, pigtails trailing in the wind.

Watanuki just stood there, slightly seething from the shock of her behavior and speech. What happened? What was so wrong that she’s shutting him out…again? This was unacceptable! Haven’t they gotten closer since the horrible experiences they shared? Shouldn’t Himawari know by now how much he cares for her? That he would do anything to ease her pain? What is this? Why is she being unreasonable—

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and willed himself to calm down. These kinds of thoughts are harmful and immature, and he was being unfair towards Himawari who could be undergoing something overwhelming that outside help would only serve to add more stress. He’s being insensitive and selfish because he felt as if he entitled to Himawari just because he believed having gone through enough bad stuff with her that should already guarantee she would be more inclined to open up to him. Why wouldn’t she? What was holding her back? Why does she still distrust him?

 _No, no. Try to put yourself in her shoes, idiot._ Watanuki is the last person to judge how erratic Himawari is acting, considering he knew how challenging it had been for him growing up parentless and plagued by nightmares, how he rebelled against adults who only want to help him recover from his losses. He remembered the paranoia, the inability to even talk to other kids his age without bias or the crippling fear that they were going to make fun of him or bully him for being different. Sometimes good intentions and a desire to be of help to someone aren’t enough to save them. No one can save anyone. Some people are meant to stay broken.

He stood there at the staircase, burying his face in his left palm for a while as he contemplated about the extent of the damage in his life; the tainted veins that sprouted from his childhood and have continued to branch out into several dark pathways to this day that he would often get lost in. Stumbling upon Yuuko and the wish shop might have been a saving grace, but there are still monsters out there that latch onto Watanuki just because he was born the way he is. It was probably the same thing with Himawari too. Gaining a new friend and knowing that she is cared for and accepted in spite of whatever ugliness she perceived about herself—that doesn’t automatically undo all the insecurities, all the other times she felt so consummately alone and blamed herself for the suffering of others.

The rest of the classes became a blur after that. Watanuki was on autopilot right until the moment the school officially ended. Before he headed to Doumeki’s club practice room as he promised last night in his mail, he left the school and went to Yuuko’s shop instead because he needed to see that woman. He needed to hear what she could say to his predicament because as painfully insufferable and evasive she might be at times, there was something so wise and knowing about her and the fact that she seemed to possess uncanny felicity when she’d give advices to people.

But Yuuko was not in the shop. Instead the two girls grabbed him by the arms and led him to a table where Yuuko had used a knife to stick the paper into the wood. A bit excessive, sure, but there are things about Yuuko that are as sharp as a blade on occasion. Watanuki sighed and pulled out the knife so he can read the rest of the note clearly. It simply said:

_Watanuki,_

_I’ll be out of reach in the next four days. I suppose you can say I was called for some business on the road. I will call here and there or send you mail. Anything goes._

_Be careful of your expectations. Sometimes they can dictate your actions; actions that you can commit with devastating consequences._

_Be safe, my cherished part-timer._

 

 

The last two statements, before that grating term of endearment, puzzled him. Just to be surly, Watanuki was almost tempted to crumple the paper. He didn’t. He just stared at the words for a few more seconds and then pocketed it. He had to walk back to school soon since he did promise Doumeki to bring him food. As if on cue, his cell phone vibrated inside his pants. He retrieved it and looked at the mail.

_Where are you? Missing you._

He snorted at that, albeit giddily as if he was being tickled by an invisible hand. Watanuki wondered what to text back. And then he typed in:

_You’re not the only one. I miss you t_

But he stopped. His cheeks felt hot and he was definitely smiling like a moron. Why would he say that? He doesn’t really mean it. Well, fine, _fine,_ he does. Watanuki has been looking forward to seeing that stupid-faced jerk since he read his mail from the moment he woke up. He had been thinking about Doumeki the entire time while he made the food he can’t wait to shove in the other boy’s mouth later. It had only been two days since their last interaction, but Watanuki felt like it had been longer than that. That’s not a good sign. It was weird enough to admit to himself that he might be crushing on his friend. It’s another matter to actively dwell on the feeling because—it’s not right. Watanuki stared at the damning words on his cell’s screen before he hurriedly deleted them so he can start over with something normal:

_I just went by the shop. I’m coming back to school. Learn to wait._

Satisfied with his response, he hit ‘send’, said his goodbyes to Maro and Moro, and then he started walking out of the shop. Watanuki felt uneasy as he did, with his thoughts alternating between his sadness over Himawari’s reticence and the uncomfortable excitement Doumeki’s eager desire to be in his company has elicited from him. He climbed up the tiring slope of stairs with his mind heavy with these contemplations, and midway Watanuki decided to put aside his issue with Himawari because ultimately he couldn’t help her because she didn’t want his help. It’s not about him so he has to not make it about him. She was clear on that.

He was back inside the school in no time. Watanuki retrieved the jubako from his locker and hurried to Doumeki’s club room, and his chest feels like it was being spun tight by something akin to a piano wire because it stung a little. He felt like he was going to throw up. Maybe he should stop running. There was no rush anyway. Why was he rushing? Watanuki slowed down as he reached the door. He opened it as silently as he could, peeking in. There was a group of boys in one corner, talking in hushed voices. Two other boys were helping one another with their bows. And finally, there was Doumeki, already practicing, his face a perfect portrait of calm concentration as he stretched his arms for aim and then released as if it was the easiest thing to do in the world. Watanuki was so captivated by his movements and the stoic way he shot his arrows at the target that he didn’t dare call attention to his presence for a few minutes, not when watching Doumeki was a more pleasing alternative than talking to him right now.

It was only when some of the boys noticed him and gave him puzzling looks that Watanuki finally bowed his head in apology while muttering, “please excuse me” as he approached Doumeki from where he lingered in his spot. The other boy glanced as soon as he saw Watanuki walk toward him and instead of his dumb, goofy grin, Doumeki smiled a smile so gentle that Watanuki almost tripped over something on the way. He found himself lowering his gaze in embarrassment.

“So,” it was Doumeki who spoke up first as he placed his bow to the side, looking down at Watanuki with his smile finally widening into something more familiar and acceptable. “Are there really three layers of delicious food there?”

Watanuki rolled his eyes at him and simply shoved the jubako into Doumeki’s willing hands. With some unnerving amount of awkwardness, Watanuki looked around him to see if anyone was watching them.

“Hey,” Doumeki poked him on the chest all of a sudden, earning a gasp from Watanuki. He quirked an eyebrow. “Why are you so jumpy?”

“Nothing,” Watanuki crossed his arms, finally glad to be free of the weight of that jubako. “So, uh, are you done practicing or should I just wait?”

“Since you forced this on me already—” he indicated the jubako he was only holding in one hand and quite casually at that. “—I guess I have no choice, do I?”

Watanuki frowned. “Look, I can wait. You don’t have to—”

“Well, I’ve waited long enough, duckie, come on.” Doumeki began walking out of the room, not even bothering to change back into his school uniform. Watanuki huffed and followed him. To his surprise, they were heading upstairs and it occurred to Watanuki that Doumeki was taking him to the roof. He was about to protest but then a sliver of thought occupied his mind, hushing him to compliance.

_It’s only going to be the two of you up there…_

Watanuki smiled nervously to himself, thankful that Doumeki was walking ahead of him and therefore couldn’t possibly see the stupid, perhaps even blissful, look on his face. Again, this was another terrible sign that Watanuki was about to do something completely irrational and a bit suicidal. He was familiar with the knotted feeling on his stomach. He’s had crushes before; the most recent one was on Himawari and he remembered being filled with sickly feelings of trepidation and delight during the first few times he interacted with her in class. This was definitely like that, only much more heightened because of what happened between them two days ago. Watanuki refused to think about that incident until now. He convinced himself that he shouldn’t replay the sequence of events when he and Doumeki spent a whole day together, and Watanuki volunteered personal details about himself, and in response to his delicate feelings, Doumeki was…he was so…

“Hey, let’s eat here,” Doumeki called up as he already reached the top of the staircase. He pushed the heavy door open and the creaking sound was almost hurtful to the ears. Watanuki huffed again and willed his feet to keep climbing.

The bright clearing of the spacious rooftop was terribly disconcerting. That voice in Watanuki’s head was also making a fuss.

_Just you and him now._

“So what did you make for me?” Doumeki has taken a seat in the corner, already opening the jubako. Watanuki just stood there a few yards away, watching as the other boy began setting the divisions neatly before him. He took the chopsticks and began tasting. He paused to look at Watanuki and asked. “I’m starting already. Have you eaten? I’m sure you intend for us to share, right?”

“Doumeki,” Watanuki surprised himself when he asked him, “What’s wrong with Himawari-chan? She and I talked earlier and she didn’t seem okay at all.”

Doumeki stared at him for a few seconds, his expression gratingly neutral, even devoid of urgent concern. He then looked down at his food and took another bite of the tempura. He shrugged his shoulders as he answered. “She hasn’t spoken to me since I walked her to the platform and we watched her leave. Himawari tends to shut down like that. I just let her be. She’ll come around, I’m sure.”

Watanuki was annoyed. “So something happened after that and you didn’t even bother asking her?”

“And what did she tell you exactly?”

“She asked to be left alone, but I think she shouldn’t be alone.”

“She’s a tough girl.”

“Regardless!” Watanuki approached him now, his footsteps heavy. He remained standing, towering over Doumeki in this angle. “Aren’t you worried? Why are you so casual about leaving her alone? You of all people should be trying to get her to confide in you. Himawari-chan could be depressed! Don’t you feel like—”

“Would you sit?”

“No!” Watanuki’s pulse is racing. “You should help her because you’ve known her forever and she…she doesn’t want my help. She specified that it’s not about me and then she told me that I have to stop making her food, and then she just…”

Now Doumeki picked himself up from the ground, laying down his chopsticks and cup of rice once he did. He only had to walk a few steps before he reached Watanuki who was stubbornly refusing to meet his gaze.

“Hey, look,” Doumeki spoke. “Don’t be hard on yourself. If she’s refusing help, that’s not on you. And you’re right. I’ve known her forever. But to be honest…” he paused and then sighed before he added, “…with days like this, I feel as if she’s wishing we might as well be strangers. This was not the first time she disentangled from me. She has done that when she found out what happened to you with the Jorougumo. But I don’t think this is the same thing. I think it’s about her family.”

“What about her family?”

Again, all Doumeki could offer was a shrug. “Look, I want to help her. Of course, I do. But you can only help someone who wants it. Sorry. I really am.”

Watanuki finally looked at him but he didn’t reply. Doumeki repeated. “I’m really sorry. I know you also feel terrible about this. But I can assure you that when she’s ready, she will come around. I mean…you’re both pretty much the same when it comes to your friends, you know.”

“No, we’re not.” Watanuki’s voice was firm. “I will never shut you out. Not again. Not this time. Not when…not when you can help in ways that are unexpected.”

“Oh?” Doumeki was smiling a little. “I thought I was only being an inconvenience.”

“Not really,” Watanuki punched Doumeki on the arm lightly. “I told you last night in mail, remember? I said I like talking to you. I like it because you’re helping me, little by little, and to be honest…you’ve gotten me through some stuff a few days ago. It was nice of you to care about me like you do. A little unsettling because I’m not used to it but…I’m working on it.”

He lowered his eyes again, unable to smile the wistful smile from forming in his lips. “It takes me a while, I know but…I, uh, I trust you.” He took a deep breath and looked into Doumeki’s eyes as he repeated with more conviction. “I do trust you.”

The taller boy just smiled back but there was an edge to it that didn’t sit well with Watanuki. Nervously, he reached out his hand and placed it on Doumeki’s shoulder.

“You’re a good person…” Watanuki said, trailing off, unsure of what else to add.

“Watanuki,” Doumeki’s voice was barely audible. His hand moved to rest on top of Watanuki’s head, the fingers ruffling his hair a little.

“It’s okay,” Watanuki almost whispered, still meeting the taller boy’s gaze, dreading to look away even for just a second. “It’s okay if you want to, you know.”

“Want to what?”

Watanuki sheepishly pointed a finger on his forehead, feeling utterly ridiculous for initiating it but realizing he can’t back out now. He felt his cheeks growing hot and based on the way Doumeki’s eyes widened, he could tell the other boy is feeling just as conflicted and uncertain as he was. After what seemed like a lifetime, Doumeki leaned closer, bending down to press his lips on Watanuki’s forehead. The kiss lingered longer than the first two times he did it, leaving Watanuki feeling as if all his nerve endings are at war with one another. He felt numb and sensitive everywhere that when Doumeki slowly moved away though his face was still inches closer to his,  Watanuki titled his head up without a second thought, as if he was going to follow Doumeki from where he is pulling away. The taller boy paused abruptly, eyes boring into Watanuki’s before he was moving closer again, and the sensation on his breath was so near and real that Watanuki was beginning to feel faint. His clothes were unbearable all of a sudden, particularly the collar of his uniform.

He knew what this is. He knew what was going to happen. And he’s going to let it happen, dammit! If he was ever going to kiss someone, it should be Doumeki. He has only been half-successful in trying to bury that desire, but two days of denial was apparently his limit. The aching need is so sharp and tangible in his fingertips, and the tiny voice in his head had gotten louder, pushing him to take action, breathlessly vying for him to wrap both shaky arms around Doumeki’s shoulders and…

Watanuki could feel himself tiptoeing to further seal the distance between their lips. Doumeki was so frustratingly patient and languid about the whole process and Watanuki would have punched him and told him to hurry up if he wasn’t already preoccupied with trying to reach the taller boy’s height.

With the first tentative press of their lips together, Watanuki squeezed his eyes shut until there was only darkness where he felt like his entire face had lost all its functions save for his lips. Doumeki shifted and added more pressure, moving a hand to caress Watanuki’s cheek while the other cradled the back of his head. Watanuki’s legs were wobbly since he was still tiptoeing, so in order to keep his balance, he had no choice but to grab Doumeki by his sleeves and push back, slightly parting his lips without meaning to. Doumeki pulled back slowly and he whispered Watanuki’s name but he pretended not to hear it, so intent he was of keeping his eyes closed. Maybe if he kept doing that, Doumeki would stop hesitating and kiss him again.

It felt so nice—aside from the awkward prelude of Watanuki compensating for his disadvantage in height, that is. But now Doumeki wasn’t even kissing him anymore. It doesn’t make sense. He was still cupping Watanuki’s cheek. He was still cradling the back of his head. He had to open his eyes to see what was taking so long.

“What?” he huffed out impatiently, gripping Doumeki hard on his biceps.

“A-Are you sure w-we should—?”

“What now?”

“Watanuki, this is—”

“…nice,” Watanuki finished for him. “And don’t you call me ‘duckie’ these days?”

Doumeki was going to respond to that but Watanuki pressed his lips against his again, urging him to keep going. For a second he was afraid that Doumeki thought this had all been a big understanding—a mistake—that Watanuki was wrong to think Doumeki felt the way he had, that he had misread the signs, that he had misunderstood the mails he sent last night. For one dreadful second, Watanuki was ready to pull away and never, ever talk to Doumeki again. He would have been more ready, so ready, to face ghosts and other monsters rather than the grave possibility that he had been wrong about how Doumeki felt about him.

Worse, how could they stay friends after this?

One second more and it would undo everything but then Doumeki was finally—thankfully—scooping him up, forcing Watanuki to tiptoe again but with Doumeki’s arms around him, it was less of a grueling effort to keep himself upright. Watanuki gleefully placed both hands on Doumeki’s back, grabbing fistfuls of his white robes and pushing back again, trying to be as gentle and less eager as possible. The full pressure on their lips against the other was agonizing but Watanuki didn’t dare part his lips, knowing vaguely what would happen if he did (based from the snatches of memory and knowledge back in middle school where he overheard hushed conversations in the bathroom). The kiss would deepen, and Watanuki wasn’t ready for anything like that. Not yet. Doumeki wasn’t parting his lips either which was great. This was great. If they could keep this up for another minute or so—

But Doumeki was pulling away again.

“You jerk,” Watanuki’s voice sounded far too shaken and broken to his liking but he ignored it and said, “Don’t…don’t stop now.”

“I have to,” Doumeki sounded breathless. He had rested his forehead against Watanuki’s. “I could…I could eat you up if I don’t stop.”

“You’re a weirdo…” Watanuki touched his cheeks with nervous, fidgety fingers, unable to decide whether to hold him closer or shove him off just to be spiteful. “Why must you eat _everything_?”

“You’re better than fast food,” Doumeki was nipping on his neck but the collar had hindered a more direct contact and Watanuki was thankful for it.

“Everything is better than fast food, fool.”

Doumeki swept his mouth from Watanuki’s neck across his cheek and finally back to his lips. Watanuki pulled him down with both arms secure around the taller boy’s shoulders. He was able to put his weight back on his feet again as he did. Doumeki allowed himself to bend, sliding his hands on Watanuki’s waist.

Watanuki pulled back slightly only so he could give Doumeki a succession of quick, teasing kisses, willing himself not to giggle in between. It was just so… _nice_ doing this to and with someone like Doumeki who is so…so…

Happily incoherent, Watanuki didn’t bother spelling out his thoughts and kept kissing and kissing and kissing until he was sure Doumeki was also feeling faint. The other boy, however, managed to speak, even as he received each kiss without complaint.

“We…should…go somewhere…” he suggested.

“No,” Watanuki paused, his lips hovering on Doumeki’s as he glared at him. “I have to…do some homework. And you—you still have archery. You should finish your food and go back to your practice. I told you that you can’t—”

“You’re a cruel, cruel man…” Doumeki was hugging him so tightly now with his face buried on Watanuki’s shoulder. Under normal circumstances, it would have aggravated Watanuki to be reminded of their height difference with this awkwardly possessive gesture of his, but right now he didn’t care. If he would allow himself to care a little, it’s only to make a discreet observation he will never verbalize that their height difference is pretty _hot_. Yes, he will never tell Doumeki that. It would only encourage the jerk’s lecherous touching. Not that Watanuki would care right now.

“Let go,” Watanuki said weakly. “Come on, you have to finish your food. And I have to work at the shop. So come on!” He pushed Doumeki to an upright position even though the other boy looked back at him sullenly.

A blatant lie, of course, because Yuuko’s not around and what Watanuki would like to do is get away before he is tempted to take things even further with Doumeki. He looked so amazing in his stupid archery robes and there was a flush to his cheeks that must have matched Watanuki’s own. What he needed to do now is to hurry back to his apartment, lock himself in his room and then collapse on the bed, possibly roll and twist around in his sheets, recalling what just happened today with Doumeki and the memory of his lips. He felt so ashamed for acting like some love-sick school-girl. He bet even Himawari wouldn’t be doing that.

Watanuki would. He had fawned over crushes as kid before by burying himself under blankets and rolling around like a bundled-up whirlwind in bed.

It was the first time he would be doing it because of another boy, however.

“Come on!” Watanuki was pushing him back to the ground so he can resume eating the food he prepared. “Just eat and then leave me alone.”

“I don’t understand you…” Doumeki yanked him by the arm and pulled Watanuki to the ground with him. “You can’t just do that to a guy and expect him to focus on anything else other than try to make out with you again!”

“Well, put some ice on it! You have your damn club to get back to!”

“I could just skip it,” Doumeki offered, his grin widening. His next words were dripping with implication. Watanuki should slap him for being so obviously turned on, but the twisting in his gut prevented him from taking that hypocritical stance.

“I could pack up this food and you could skip work and then we could hang around my house. My mom’s still at work. She could make us dinner afterwards.”

“Hang around your house?” Watanuki glared suspiciously at him.

“Yes,” Doumeki just smiled.

“I don’t want to inconvenience your poor mother. She doesn’t have to make us food especially when I prepared enough for us to last for dinner!” Watanuki reasoned out. His whole body was shaking mostly because of the tremors crawling under his skin, coming alive with the prospect of ‘hanging out’ with Doumeki at his house again.

 “So…that’s a yes?” Doumeki was poking him on the stomach now. Watanuki recoiled and pinched his cheek in retaliation.

“Yuuko-san’s not in the shop, actually…” Watanuki pulled away, admitting the truth.

“So definitely a yes?” Doumeki reached out to touch him some place again but Watanuki didn’t let him.

He simply huffed and then abruptly stood up. “Yes, fine! Hurry up and pack up!”

Doumeki did what he asked, that aggravating grin plastered on his face. Once he put back the divisions of jubako together, he said. “I’ll stop by to get my bag from the club room first. I also need to change clothes…”

“None of that,” Watanuki remarked, smirking to himself as he turned around and began heading towards the door. He didn’t know how Doumeki reacted when he called out, adding: “Keep those robes on. I like it.”

 

* * *

 


	8. Steam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This couldn’t be real. You’re not really here, are you?”

* * *

 

 

 

Kyoko Doumeki liked honey in her tea.

She poured a generous amount of it today on her mug, uncaring if the sweetness would be too much. It probably wouldn’t be enough. She steeped her spoon inside the mug and stirred. The soft clanking sound of metal was seemingly loud against the silence of the room where she and the two boys have occupied its space. Kyoko was on one side of the short oblong table while the two boys sat together across from her, the perfect imitation of statues. If it wasn’t for the way her son’s friend fidgeted every now and then when he thought she wasn’t paying attention, she would have really believed he was nothing more than a figment of her imagination. A ridiculous notion, one formed from the guilty hope that she simply misinterpreted what she had seen earlier—ten minutes and forty-five seconds ago, if the clock hanging on the wall above her is to be believed. A ridiculous notion, indeed.

One simply does not imagine coming home and stumbling upon a scene where her own seventeen-year-old son lay on the floor of their living room; with his friend on top of him, kissing him with passion—and doing other things that understandably made her blush. It looked wrong because that was her baby—an athletic six-foot baby, sure—being kissed by another boy of the same age, one she had met only a few days ago. Said boy is courteous and well-mannered enough, not the usual kind Shizuka would bring home and introduce as a peer. That should have been a clue, but it’s not as if Kyoko has ever considered thinking about her son’s sexuality in length. Kyoko does not want to judge this predicament too harshly. After all, he’s seventeen and she’s been that age, and it would be hypocritical of her to think that her son wouldn’t have already been sexually active, considering he’s as handsome as his late grandfather had been. Kyoko had compared pictures from her father’s youth and that of her son’s, and their resemblance is just uncanny. She had then prepared herself for the day that her son would come home and introduce her to his paramour from school.

Contrary to what these two boys might be thinking and worrying about, Kyoko was not repulsed by the idea that her son is kissing another boy. Kyoko is a single mother working two jobs right now, and some of them in the past have been odd jobs over the course of five years since Shizuka’s ingrate of a father left them. It was during her work in sales that she had her share of events inside host clubs that offer a variety of companionship. She had met people whose extraordinary capacity for love and suffering is inspiring. Kyoko had her own heart broken and it hardened her, so she envied people who can find joy in places that most would consider ugly and wrong.

It would make no difference to her if her son is a homosexual. He was her baby, and she worked hard to raise him and send him to a good school. It had always been the two of them against the world. If she had any kind of reservations, it’s only because she doesn’t feel like she is ready to share him with another person yet.

But if she was going to be more honest about this, she would admit that she was just a little shaken that Shizuka had to bring his boyfriend—is that what this awkward, bespectacled boy is to her baby?—under her own roof for some after-school activity, and that she had to unfortunately witness it. The whole thing is embarrassing for everyone because what mother wants to see her child engage in adult stuff?

The silence has gone long enough. She doesn’t want either of them to think she was punishing them for what they’ve been doing. Kyoko decided to have a real discussion about this and set some rules.

“Shizuka,” she addressed her son first. “I want you to know that I’ve known for a time that you might be dating and going out with girls already. You have your monthly trips with the other boys after all, and I’m not naïve. Boys your age will do what boys your age will do when there is no parental supervision.”

Kyoko noticed her son’s friend shift from his position again but she didn’t look at him, not yet. “That being said,” she continued, “I’m afraid that since you bring this into our home, we have to properly talk about it now. I know this is going to be uncomfortable for all of us, but please bear with me.”

“Yes, mother.” Shizuka only replied.

“Okay,” Kyoko paused before she asked. “How long have the two of you been intimate?”

“Oh no,” her son’s friend uttered under his breath so she looked at him and cocked her head to the side to convey her curiosity.

“What is that…Watanuki-san, is it?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh, Kyoko-san is fine,” she lightly reprimanded him. “So what were you saying?”

“I, uh, only meant to say that it’s…we haven’t…” Watanuki’s ears are going red but she waited for him to compose himself as she tapped her fingers on her mug while she took a sip. He eventually did get a hold of himself and continued, “We’re not intimate. We haven’t been…like that.”

“Until now,” Shizuka finished for him. Watanuki glared at her son as if he wanted to contradict that. Kyoko blinked at that unexpected hostility.

“Can you elaborate on that?” she asked Shizuka instead.

Her son nodded and then explained as asked, “Watanuki and I are friends. It was only recently that we became friends. He’s a classmate of Himawari Kunogi and it was through her that we met.”

“Oh, yes, Kunogi-chan,” Kyoko placed the mug back on the table and leaned in closer. “And how did this escalate so quickly then?” she gestured at them to indicate what she meant by that.

“It just did,” Shizuka replied. “It just happened.”

 Kyoko examined her son’s neutral expression and knew he was concealing how he really felt, perhaps in fear that he might disappoint her. Speaking gently now, she remarked. “Shizuka, I’m not mad. I’m just trying to understand what is going on here. You say this boy is just your friend but you can’t be kissing a friend if that is really all he means to you. Clearly, the two of you like each other more than that.”

 “Yes,” Shizuka answered her with a sigh of relief. His shoulders noticeably relaxed as he glanced at the Watanuki boy. Kyoko can’t help but notice the shy little smile her son gave the other boy. It was dazzling, a kind of smile she hasn’t seen in a while.

 “I really like him, mother,” her son said, “And you’re right. He means more to me than just another friend.”

 

 

 

**Twenty minutes ago**

 

 

 

Doumeki felt like he was going to be sick with fever. His body felt hot and tight. He felt light-headed and can’t focus on anything else but the burning heat he can feel everywhere as if his own body is a cage. He could feel it in his throat which was so hard to swallow; in his fingers which are trembling…and, well, in his groin where it was a persistent sting. He was massively turned-on right now, but he willed himself to stop thinking filthy thoughts which is probably going to be an insurmountable obstacle, not when the very person responsible to how his body is reacting was standing across him, eyeing him with a touch of cruel amusement behind his glasses.

Thank gods for the loose clothing he has currently donned.

“You look like shit,” Watanuki chuckled as he slid the doors close behind him. He looked so smug now, more than aware of the kind of effect and power that he has over Doumeki. It was both an infuriating display and an adorable revelation. “Sit down,” Watanuki almost commanded as he stood there, eyes fixed on Doumeki. “Let me take the jubako to the kitchen. Where are your plates?”

Doumeki handed it to him and said, “I don’t want to eat right now.”

Watanuki’s eyes widened in mocking surprise. “No way, you? Not eating?”

Doumeki suddenly wanted to gather him on a headlock and never let go. “You know damn well that’s not what I want right now.”

The shorter boy just smirked. “What makes you think you’re getting it so easily?”

“Please,” Doumeki quirked an eyebrow and then took a step back, giving himself a little turn. “And to think that I kept these robes on for your viewing pleasure.”

That did the trick. Watanuki’s cheeks flushed but instead of sputtering in embarrassment, the other boy simply smirked back more maliciously at him and shot back, “Don’t get so cocky, you bastard. Didn’t I tell you to put some ice on it?”

“Since you’re getting to the kitchen,” Doumeki said as he sat down on the floor in the most ungraceful and suggestive way possible, “maybe you should fetch me some.” He watched with satisfaction as Watanuki glowered, his fists clenched as he tried to come up with a retort but failed.

In the next five minutes, a series of odd events followed. Watanuki placed the jubako on the corner of the kitchen and brought Doumeki ice cubes in a plastic bowl. Doumeki rolled his eyes at Watanuki for being so funny, picked two or three cubes from the bowl, and then threw them at Watanuki. They hit him square on the chest. Mortified and more than eager to get even, Watanuki tried to dump the rest of the ice cubes on Doumeki and ended up wrestling him to the ground in order to do it. One of the cubes slid down Doumeki’s robes through his collar and the wet, frigid trail from his chest to his abdomen made him shiver in delight and shock. Watanuki was still trying to put another cube in, so Doumeki pried the plastic bowl from his grasp by slapping it. The cubes are on the ground now and they raced to get them by crawling and shoving each other off the way.

Because he was stronger and bigger, Doumeki took Watanuki out of the way by pulling his legs but Watanuki started kicking and a few of them landed on his stomach. It’s obvious that neither of them were undeterred. Doumeki was the one who got the cubes in the end, though, and he held Watanuki down with one arm on the chest as he lifted up his black top so he can rub the ice on the shorter boy’s stomach. Watanuki violently shook and started laughing in spite of himself as he alternated between screaming and begging Doumeki to stop.

Doumeki did stop once he felt the cube melting against Watanuki’s skin as the wetness coated his palm and fingers. He withdrew said hand and then used it to brush the bangs off Watanuki’s forehead so he can press another kiss there. Watanuki whined underneath him, giving him the most unconvincing glare before he placed his wrists on Doumeki’s shoulders. He was not actually pulling him closer but the gesture and that twinkle in his eyes may as well have been an invitation. Doumeki didn’t even hesitate to accept and he bent down to capture the other boy’s lips. Watanuki was giggling stupidly; hands now circling behind Doumeki’s head as he held him by the nape. Their kiss was still shallow—just a tender pressure of lips uniting together. But the stirring in his gut was immense especially when—oh, there it is again. Watanuki pulled back to give him tiny kisses, each one softer yet also hotter than the last. Doumeki chuckled and told him—when he did manage to speak against Watanuki’s lips: “You’re like…a chicken now…you know? All…this…pecking.”

“Stop…getting…” Watanuki kept it up, “your…metaphors…mixed.”

Doumeki tried to shift his weight to a more comfortable position but Watanuki was already sitting up and pushing him back. He was about to protest for him to stay in his arms and never go home, but Watanuki only switched their positions by sitting right on his lap. All the while their lips stay connected and Watanuki was massaging the back of his head, near his old wound from days ago.

“That’s…oh, god yes…keep doing that.”

Watanuki snorted and then stop kissing him to tell him, “Does it still hurt, though?”

“No, no,” Doumeki shut his eyes and leaned against Watanuki’s fingers probing him behind his head. He savored everything; from the exquisite nearness of the other boy’s body, the heat emitting between them, and the texture of Watanuki’s lips tracing mild kisses on his exposed throat. “You feel like a miracle.”

“Stop saying weird shit like that! You’re the worst, you know, just so awful!” His words might sound like he was trying to be offensive but Watanuki was instead laughing against his skin, and it soaked right through Doumeki. The feeling was marvelous that Doumeki didn’t dare open his eyes, so afraid that this was all a magic spell and it could be undone anytime.

“Hey, Doumeki,” Watanuki blew air into his closed eyes so he had to open them. The boy before him, still straddling his lap, was just…so…

Watanuki was smiling down at him as he caressed his hair. Did he always have dimples near his chin? Had his eye shone that way all along?

“This couldn’t be real,” Doumeki was speaking to himself more than anything, “You’re not really here, are you?”

“Rude!” Watanuki pinched his nose and then kissed him quickly on the lips before he pulled back to glare down at him. “What a terrible thing to say to someone! Do I look like a ghost to you? Can you feel spirits with your own hands? Touch me, you moron. See for yourself!” he grabbed Doumeki’s hands and squeezed them. Afterwards, he allowed himself to interlace their fingers together as they kissed and kissed and kissed _and kissed_ until something started vibrating inside Watanuki’s pants.

“Whoa,” Doumeki chuckled, “That’s new. I didn’t know yours can do that.”

“Oh, you shut up!” Watanuki cupped Doumeki’s entire face with one hand as he retrieved his cellphone from his pocket. “Just shut those hot lips for a second.”

“Who is mailing you and is he or she a better kisser than I?” Doumeki grumbled as Watanuki’s palm was still pressed on his face. “If the answer is no, then don’t mail back and let’s keep kissing until we can’t feel our faces anymore.”

“I said shut up! Don’t be disgusting!” Watanuki was busy typing something in. “It’s just my guardian, okay? He’s asking me what time I’ll come home.”

“Tell him you’ve eloped and that you are very happy now.” Doumeki poked Watanuki on his chest and then down his stomach.

“Quit it—!”

“Tell him that from now on you and I as newlyweds will make ends meet. You go to work at Yuuko-san’s shop. I’ll work at fast food joints—”

“Oh, you’re not!” Watanuki placed his cellphone on the ground and started pushing Doumeki to the ground. “I’d rather you work at some…some bar or host club than in a fast food joint. Those are more respectable establishments!”

“What is it with you and fast food, honey?” Doumeki asked in a high-pitched tone.

Watanuki just laughed and started pinning Doumeki’s arms to his sides.

“So,” Doumeki asked, “does this mean you agree to elope with me?”

“Jerk,” Watanuki spat out.

“That wasn’t a no…” Doumeki pulled himself up and overpowered Watanuki easily but the other boy was just so competitive that they wasted a few minutes just arm wrestling for advantage. Watanuki slipped from Doumeki’s lap and tried to shove Doumeki back to the ground, and because Doumeki really did not want to keep up with this childish game, he gave up and let Watanuki control his movements. Watanuki looked so happy clutching his wrists and pinning them above him.

“I didn’t know you like this kind of thing,” Doumeki muttered as he gazed up at Watanuki. “Does this get you going, you little weirdo?”

“What I’m into, you sexy fool…” Watanuki leaned in close but didn’t seal the distance completely, “…is subduing you. You always get the upper hand because you’re tall and a little stronger than me. But not today, mister! Because…” Watanuki started kissing him on the jawline, as he went on, “…what gets me going is looking at you…so…helpless,” he pulled back and smiled at Doumeki with heavy intent, “…and hearing you say that I can do whatever I want to do with you.”

Doumeki could hear his pulse racing. He tried to squirm and shift because he was literally running out of air as his blood was singing with a dangerous melody that is threatening his composure. Watanuki’s weight didn’t allow it, however. The other boy grinned at him, looking very determined to deliver on his promise.

“If you are absolutely sure about that, duckie,” Doumeki whispered into their lips before Watanuki was about to kiss him, “then don’t blame me if it gets even rougher than the usual. I’m serious, you know. I’m going to really, really, _really_ …”

“Words, words, words,” Watanuki interrupted. “Why don’t you just show me?”

Without warning, Doumeki sat up abruptly and didn’t even bother trying to use his arms. He simply captured Watanuki’s mouth without much effort, coaxing the other boy’s lips to part with the tip of his tongue. He heard Watanuki’s breath hitch and for a second Doumeki was afraid he had gone too far, that he had crossed a line when the other boy obviously had no experience, and that he should have allowed Watanuki to dictate a slower pace if that was what he was most comfortable with. But then Watanuki was cupping his face and opening for him and Doumeki completely lost himself to the victorious chorus of _yes, fuck yes_ in his mind that was mixed with the deafening sound of his heartbeat drowning everything else.

He didn’t put up a fight when Watanuki thrust him back down the floor as they adjusted their positions so that their bodies could slot perfectly against one another, until they were tight and hot in places that were just meant to be. Doumeki’s mind was blank and every move he made was all instinct; all in service and worship of Watanuki, allowing himself to be enslaved by his taste, his touch, and all the frighteningly wonderful ways the other boy explored him with open curiosity, hands pulling down his robes, palms grazing his skin and clutching for purchase.

Lost in the reverence of the moment, it took them a few seconds to realize that they were no longer alone in the house.

 

 

* * *

 


	9. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tell me, Watanuki-san, and tell me honestly.”
> 
> “O—kay…”
> 
> “What are your intentions with my son?”

* * *

 

 

Watanuki didn’t have to try that hard to will himself to lose his erection the moment he saw Doumeki’s mother standing by the sliding doors. It just went away easily because the mortification was enough to stun it. As if he was literally electrocuted, Watanuki scrambled back to his feet, distancing himself from Doumeki as far as he could while simultaneously buttoning up his black top and righting back his glasses from being skewed earlier. He nervously glanced at Doumeki who looked even worse. His upper torso was exposed, chest bare like some sort of a chiselled sculpture come to life. In hindsight, if Watanuki wasn’t so scared shitless of his mother’s arrival and the humiliation that followed, he would have thought that a half-naked Doumeki with love bites on his neck, all thanks to the wanton assault of Watanuki’s mouth, is the hottest, sexiest, filthiest thing— _goddammit, you horndog, focus! His mother is here! Oh dear gods, Doumeki’s mother!_

He couldn’t even speak. He couldn’t say a damn thing, not even as Kyoko-san made a mug of tea with a calmness that rivals that of a saint's, as if she didn’t just see her son caught in a scandalous position with Watanuki, as if nothing out of the ordinary happened and she acted exactly like that was the case. It was a little infuriating. Why isn’t she screaming at Watanuki to go? Why isn’t she accusing him of harassing her only son? Why is she just sitting quietly across them, like she’s waiting for either of them to speak up first? Watanuki didn’t dare; he might say the wrong thing. But after what seemed like eternity, Kyoko-san started asking questions—humiliating questions that were based on her own assumptions that he and Doumeki have done this before, that they have been…how did she refer to it again? _Intimate_? Watanuki almost wanted to be liquefied by acid-to-the-face when she called it that. Fucking _intimate_!

And Doumeki is the worst! Just awful as he answered her with his own version of events, claiming that their relationship—this pathetic attempt at friendship—was always meant to end up this way. Which is how exactly? Wrestling each other to the floor of Doumeki’s house, taking turns trying to strip each other off their clothes while making out as if the human race was about to get obliterated the next day? THAT? Because it was certainly how Watanuki felt while he kissed Doumeki. The urgency of the act was palpable. His own lips still stung from the memory. It was so awful. And now Kyoko-san thinks they are in a real relationship and neither of them could fault her for that conclusion. Maybe it might even be better to let her believe that way to avoid further embarrassment. Maybe if Doumeki was to become his boyfriend—and Watanuki was not seriously contemplating the idea, NOT AT ALL—Kyoko-san may even let them continue spending time together in the future, not that she was forbidding it. Crazily enough, she seemed okay that her son is having a dalliance with another boy. So she’s one of those progressive types? Watanuki was relieved about that. He would like to think that if his mother was still alive, she would have accepted Watanuki no matter what. Gods only know how she never made him feel any less loved in spite of his supernatural curse.

He stopped dwelling on his own thoughts and listened to Kyoko-san as she told them, “Shizuka, I’m not mad. I’m just trying to understand what is going on here. You say this boy is just your friend but you can’t be kissing a friend if that is really all he means to you. Clearly, the two of you like each other more than that.”

From under the table where no one else could see, Doumeki grasped Watanuki’s hand. _Oh, hell_. He shouldn’t have squeezed back, _why am I letting this go on?_

He answered his mother, “I really like him, mother.”

_Shut up, you moron, you can’t—!_

“And you’re right,” then this other boy—this stupid, beautiful creep—glanced and smiled at him as he added, “He means more to me than just another friend.”

_More than just another friend?_

If he wasn’t clutching Doumeki’s hand, Watanuki would have floated and disappeared up the ceiling above him. _More than just another friend!_

Why is that making his heart violently beat against his chest?

What is this? Why isn’t he saying anything?! _Say something!_

“Doumeki—means a lot to me too,” Watanuki almost croaked out. _What? No! What am I saying? Don’t say shameful things like that!_ _Fix this shit! Now!_

“I’m sorry that you had to see…what you saw earlier, Kyoko-san. I really, really am. Please don’t be mad,” Watanuki paused and then added, “We never meant for any of this to happen. I’m sure that sounds like an unbelievable, lame excuse but it’s…true. I never…I never asked for this. I mean—I just—”

And then—to make things even worse—Kyoko-san laughed. It was a brief one that made Watanuki blink rapidly, shocked by how _not angry_ she is about the whole thing. Doumeki squeezed his hand from under the table and that soothed him at least.

“Tell me, Watanuki-san,” Kyoko-san said, “And tell me honestly.”

“O—kay…”

“What are your intentions with my son?”

Watanuki’s mind went blank. His entire face was melting. He could feel it!

And Doumeki was… _giggling_ like an _asshole_ beside him! Watanuki pried his hand off and gave him a glare. What kind of—person, special someone, _not_ -boyfriend—is he, the jerk! He should be helping him! Why is he making fun of Watanuki?!

“Mom,” Doumeki finally managed to speak although he was still shaking from laughing seconds ago, “Could you please not do this? I know you’re trying to be cool about this, and I know…” he started sounding serious now, “I know this is still uncomfortable. But it’s like what we said; it wasn’t like this was planned. I didn’t…I don’t think I even liked boys until I met Watanuki.”

Watanuki looked down on his lap in muted compliance as Doumeki explained some more. “I’ve met him under weird circumstances, circumstances I promise I will tell you someday. For now, it’s half of his story too, and I don’t think he’s ready. What I can vouch for is that,” he turned to Watanuki and took his hand again, and this time he let his mother see the gesture, “is that Watanuki is a good person. Hell, I think he’s one of the bravest individuals I’ve ever met. He’s funny too. He cooks really great dishes. Himawari also likes him around. And I have never met anyone I feel like I can talk to rather easily, and because of that I think…” he looked back at Kyoko-san, “I think having him in my life is something I would like to keep experiencing.”

_Stop talking, you fool. Stop making this hard for me._

Kyoko-san sighed audibly but it doesn’t look like she was doing it because of exasperation or disbelief. Watanuki peered at her cautiously and saw that she looked interested and willing to listen. She took a sip from her mug first before she replied, “Okay, Shizuka. I’m…I never,” she chuckled a little. “You sound so mature and certain about how you feel and that’s…I have to say that I’m a little proud.”

She looked across Watanuki and offered him a smile of kindness he felt both ashamed and relieved to receive. Kyoko-san remarked, “My son has never stood up for anyone the way he is doing that right now for you, Watanuki-san. I’m inclined to believe you are as special as he says.”

“I’m nothing…” Watanuki interjected shyly, “…special.”

“Oh, Watanuki-kun,” the casual shift in honorific was a pleasant surprise as she added, smiling wider. “You are most definitely special _to_ my Shizuka. That’s enough for me. Although,” she narrowed her gaze as her smile now turned into a smirk— _so that’s where Doumeki gets that expression_ —“I still have to set some ground rules. Finals is coming up this month and you boys should focus on your studies, and unless you come here at my house to study with him then you shouldn’t—”

“Yes, yes, of course!” Watanuki waved his hands before him to appease her worries. “I’m not—I won’t…”

“Okay,” Kyoko-san smiled fully again, “From now on, it’s better for everyone if I’m around when you visit, Watanuki-kun. You can study or do everything else here in the living room. Otherwise, you can’t go to Shizuka’s room or he can’t go to your house either without me talking to your parents first. Speaking of which, I assume you have to tell your parents too, won’t you, Watanuki-kun?”

He could tell Doumeki was about to speak on his behalf but Watanuki answered for himself, “I live with a guardian with two other boys, actually. He’s a nice man, but I don’t think this is something he should know about. It’s not…appropriate.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Kyoko-san’s smile faltered a little. “If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your parents?”

“Well,” Watanuki sighed, “I never really knew my dad. My mom passed away when I was around nine or so. She had cancer. It was…yeah.”

Sensing his discomfort, Kyoko-san curtly nodded and then turned her attention back to her son. “It’s getting late. Shizuka, maybe you should see your friend out?”

Watanuki began to stand only so he can bow waist-deep toward her. “I’m very sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for understanding!”

She laughed. “It’s okay, Watanuki-kun. You’re free to come by as long as both of you could tell me about it first. Otherwise—”

“You’re rarely home early, though,” Doumeki remarked as he stood up.

“And to think I picked to come home early the one time my son decided to get frisky under my roof!” Kyoko-san pinched her son’s cheek with affection that made Watanuki stare as he blushed with the cavalier way she addressed their indiscretion.

“Exactly,” Doumeki said, “So what happens if I want to hang out with Watanuki but you’re not here yet?”

“Hmm,” Kyoko-san looked thoughtfully at both of them. “Obviously, as a pair of young lovers, you would like to spend more time together. So that is a quandary.”

Watanuki must have looked at her with a horrified expression in his face because of the way she phrased it because she was smirking at him again. Apparently, Doumeki inherited his mother’s wicked sense of humor. Fucking fantastic.

“A compromise then?” she finally offered. “How about for now I will simply trust you—like I’ve always had since you were little—not to engage in any other…amorous activity,” she emphasized the term and it made Watanuki squirm a little from where he stood, “with Watanuki-kun in the meantime. At least until finals is over. Being, shall we say, lovey-dovey, with someone—”

“Yes, mom, by all means, say it like that,” Doumeki was rolling his eyes at her and Kyoko-san lightly slapped his arm and continued.

“…is a distraction neither of you can afford if your academics will suffer.”

Watanuki doesn’t feel like he has to be included in this humiliating conversation but Kyoko-san had a different idea and asked, “So what do you say, Watanuki-kun? Think you can promise me not to be lovey-dovey—”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Watanuki immediately interrupted her, not wanting her to finish that sentence. Gods, he wants to leave! Can he _please_ just leave now?

Doumeki sensed his apprehension so, naturally, the jerk wrapped his arm around Watanuki’s shoulder, pulled him closer and asked his mother, “Counter offer: can I still kiss him every now and then without taking it further?”

“Well,” Kyoko-san answered. “As long as there are strictly no other activity going on with your _hands_ like earlier—”

“Gods!” Watanuki blurted out, unmindful of how he sounded as he shoved Doumeki away and covered his face with both hands.

The mother and son only laughed _. What is wrong with this family!?_

“All right, all right,” Kyoko-san waved them off. “I think we’re having too much fun on Watanuki-kun’s expense. Go and see him out, Shizuka.”

Watanuki was more than eager to get out of the house but then Doumeki had to say, “Can’t he stay for dinner at least? He already asked permission from his guardian, and besides, he made me a very huge jubako with several kinds of food.”

“Oh!” Kyoko-san smiled. “You did say he was an excellent cook! Where is this huge jubako you speak of?” She glanced at Watanuki, and there was a wicked twinkle in her eye, “If it’s okay with you, Watanuki-kun, I wouldn’t mind you sitting for dinner. I would very much like to get to know you better. It’s been a while since Shizuka and I have company, let alone someone of his own age.”

Watanuki’s heart dropped as well as his other glands, he’s sure of it, but Kyoko-san was so nice and she was generous and so understanding that it’s unbelievable. She can’t be faking it, though, because Kyoko-san is reaching out to take his hand this time, patting it gently. How could he say no to her request? A rational part of his brain knew that getting involved so soon with a member of Doumeki’s family is a little risky. But Watanuki was feeling so overwhelmed by gratitude—and he was still filled with that persistent itch to stay by Doumeki’s side—that he can’t help but nod his head, acquiescing. Kyoko-san clapped her hands once and then Doumeki told her that the jubako was in the kitchen. She left the two of them there to get it by herself, but Watanuki can’t look at the other boy in the eye so he just stood there.

“Hey,” Doumeki nudged him with his elbow. “Hey, you okay?”

“No,” Watanuki glumly replied.

“So,” Doumeki asked, “Are you mad about this? Is this too hard for you? Should I just tell my mom that you can’t stay or…”

“That would be rude,” Watanuki was still not looking at him.

“Hey,” Doumeki touched his arm this time. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Watanuki lowered his gaze further. “I’m not mad. You did nothing wrong—aside from saying those awful things about me.”

“What awful things?”

Watanuki looked at Doumeki and his ridiculous perplexed expression and sighed. “You don’t get it, do you? You just don’t get it.”

“What?” Doumeki looked nervous now. He tightened his grip on Watanuki’s arm.

Looking up at him, Watanuki lowered his voice as he explained, “Who gave you the right to build me up to your mother like that? Now she’s going to think I’m so special when I’m not. Who told you to be so…so…relentlessly sweet and dreamy and nice and an asshole, huh?” He punched Doumeki in his shoulder without meaning it. “You don’t get to be prince charming because I am no princess, you jerk. Don’t start treating me like a delicate flower now because I am going to fight you and defeat you if you do!” He let out an exasperated sigh, and, with all seriousness, he added:

“I like being friends with you. I like it when we fool around like friends do. I don’t…mind doing those… _other things_ too but I,” he paused and then looked off, “I don’t think I can handle any of this anymore…”

“So do you want us to…stop?” Doumeki actually looked heartbroken about it.

It was Watanuki’s turn to laugh at him. He rubbed a hand on his cheek, feeling both elated because Doumeki cared enough to look hurt about the possibility that they could never be more than just buddies—and irritated all at once that he would assume Watanuki wants more than simple friendship (no matter how true it was). Only Doumeki could inspire such a paradox of emotions from him. It’s excruciating and exciting. Gods, he wanted to kiss the idiocy out of him! Who gave him the right to be so irresistible?! But Kyoko-san could return any moment so…

…risk it?

Watanuki grabbed Doumeki by the sleeve of his robe, pulled him down to meet his height, and implanted a quick kiss on his unprepared lips. He pushed him off easily in an instant, and felt smug satisfaction fill him when he saw how flushed Doumeki looked back at him, eyes wide. _Huh, serves him right._

“Wata—nuki…” he trailed off, just blinking for a while. And then he grinned. “You are impossible, you know. One of these days you will probably be the death of me.”

Watanuki snorted. “That sounds about right,” he answered and then grinned back. “Now wipe that stupid look from your face, pervert. You heard your mother. As long as we’re under her roof, there is absolutely no way—”

Unfortunately, Doumeki has never been a good listener and stickler to rules, and had a rebellious streak on him after all. He swooped Watanuki with one arm and kissed him—deep and needy and very, _very_ inappropriately _hot!_

Fucking fantastic!

Watanuki allowed it to last for at least five seconds before he shoved him back, punching him in the gut which Doumeki blocked with his palm. Kyoko-san appeared just a second after that, carrying plates. She stopped to inspect the two boys with suspicion clouding her gaze, probably sensing that something was amiss. But since she didn’t see what just happened— _how her son is an immature jerk who can’t keep his hands to himself!_ —she had no other choice but to smile pleasantly and ask them to help her set the table. Watanuki gladly headed to the kitchen as Doumeki trailed behind.

And if they managed to steal two or _three_ more kisses whenever they are positioned in Kyoko-san’s blind spot and the opportunity to fool around was ripe for the taking, then it’s no one’s fault, really. Ignorance is bliss, and boys will be boys.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys still with me on this? Good, good. Let's have fun together, shall we? >:D


	10. Compromises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It’s not like we’re going to die if we don’t meet and fool around."
> 
> "I might."

* * *

 

 

 

 

_Who knew you were so good in math and sciences?_

_Let me guess: you got a perfect score in both homework._

_Bingo._

_All thanks to me. Now, the next time you see me,_

_you are free to express your gratitude_

_by sitting on my lap again and kissing me._

_As if we can find a place to do that again._

_And don’t you dare say the rooftop!_

_It’s so filthy there._

_I think we’re gonna need a tetanus shot next time._

_So many excuses._

_Am I the only one concerned about our safety here?_

_I for one will not risk infection just for the sake of fooling around._

_Boo-hoo._

_Whatever. By the way, I’m making you some croquette right now._

_An acceptable payment, I guess._

_I told you that I cook for you not out of obligation._

_I cook for you because I want to._

_Really?_

_Really._

**_* * *_ **

 

**_*_ **

_Why only one kiss?_

_UGH *** * ***_

_Better. Can I see you later?_

_I can stop by outside the shop._

_Nah, I have to go home soon. Kano-san’s birthday._

_My guardian. I’m baking him cake as well._

_Never met him yet. Busy hands?_

_Yes, very busy! I shouldn’t even be mailing you._

_But I already have the cake in the oven._

_I just have to put icing and other stuff._

_My croquettes?_

_Coming next._

_So talk to me._

_I am talking to you._

_How was your appointment with Yoshima-san yesterday?_

_Sorry I couldn’t come._

_It’s okay. You would have waited for an hour._

_We discussed a lot of things._

_What things?_

_Just daily stuff. I mentioned work with Yuuko-san._

_Not the exact details._

_But I did tell him the little trials of balancing part-time work and school._

_I’m sure that if you tell Yuuko-san if you’re having a hard time,_

_she’ll go easy on you. Has she come back yet?_

_Yeah, I suppose. No, she’s coming back tomorrow night._

_She mailed me. Pretty creepy, considering I never gave her my number._

_Wow, I can’t even have you all to myself lately._

_What do you mean?_

_I was at your house two days ago!_

_Yeah, for school work._

_My mom was there the entire time too._

_Is fooling around all you think about?_

_Only if it’s with you *******_

_Yeah, yeah._

_I haven’t kissed you in a while._

_Just for two days. Quit being so needy, you big baby!_

_Don’t you feel the same?_

_Yes. But at least I don’t whine about it._

**_***_ **

****

**_***_ **

****

**_*************_ **

_Too many!_

_Not enough._

**_**************************_ **

_You’re so needy._

_All your fault. Where are my kisses?_

_You’re so lame *****************_

****

_Those aren’t enough._

_UGH ******************************_

_There._

_Watanuki?_

_What?_

_We should go out._

_Where to?_

_I mean let’s go out on a date._

_I don’t have money for that yet._

_And are you really asking someone out through mail?_

_That’s really lame, you bastard._

_How would you do it?_

_First of all, I will make sure I have enough money_

_before I go asking someone out._

_And I will do it in person._

_Oh._

_Oh what?_

_I’m so embarrassed. You’re right._

_I should have done it properly._

_It’s okay. You don’t do this often, do you?_

_Ask people out on dates? No. You?_

_Not really. But I did almost ask some girls before._

_Did you ever ask Himawari?_

_I suppose I wanted to, yes._

_Do you still want to date her?_

_Honestly? Not sure. I still like her._

_I hope that’s not weird for you. She’s your friend._

_It’s weird for me only because I’ve never been in a situation like this before._

_Meaning?_

_I never liked a guy friend_

_and have said guy friend_

_also like a female friend of mine._

_Yeah, that’s too bizarre, isn’t it?_

_I don’t mind. But don’t blame me_

_if I get jealous every now and then._

_I don’t think you should worry about that._

_Himawari-chan still isn’t talking to me._

_I tried talking to her too,_

_but she’s making up excuses not to see me._

_What is wrong with her?_

_Why is she avoiding us again?_

_Give her time._

_She will come around._

_I’m just so worried._

_I know. Me too._

_Hey, Doumeki._

_What?_

_Did you ever like Himawari-chan that way?_

_Not really._

_Why not?_

_She’s family. It’s too weird._

_I see her as a sister somewhat._

_Did you ever want siblings yourself?_

_Yeah. You?_

_I used to invent siblings in my head_

_and imagine that I’m playing with them when I was a kid._

_Stupid stuff, you know._

_It’s not stupid._

_You said you got sick a lot as a kid?_

_I had asthma. I wasn’t always so athletic_

_and cool as I am now, you know._

_Oh gods, I can’t breathe._

_Huh?_

_There’s no room here because of the size of your ego!_

_Ha, ha. You’re always so funny._

_And you’re always so vain._

_Not everyone can be as humble_

_about our good looks as you are, Watanuki._

_What good looks?_

_You’re cute._

_Shut up I am not_

_I bet you’re doing your duck pout right now._

_Too bad you can’t see it. HA!_

_Just as well. It’s your most irresistible feature._

_SHUT_

_UP_

_Your mouth. I like it a lot._

_Especially when you pout._

_But more so when your mouth is on my mouth._

_STOP_

_Why?_

_I’m baking here. You’re distracting me._

_Oh, so you’re distracted. Is it because…_

_…you’re turned on right now?_

_NO_

_Don’t worry. So am I._

_And whose fault is that?_

***** (‘’’) (‘’’) *** (‘’’) (‘’’) *****

_Are those hands?_

_To touch you._

_Don’t._

**(‘’’) (‘’’)**

_STOP IT_

_Touch me back._

_I’m not doing that here in mail._

_Then do it for real. Are you in the shop by yourself?_

_Come out and I’ll meet you._

_I’m busy._

_Make time._

_It’s only been two days._

_Going three because you refuse to meet up with me._

_It’s not like we’re going to die if we don’t meet and fool around._

_I might._

_Don’t be such a baby. We’ll be fine._

_Are you trying to convince me or yourself?_

_******** _

****

**_********_ **

****

**_***********_ **

****

**_************_ **

****

**_*************_ **

****

**_**************_ **

****

**_***************_ **

****

**_*****************_ **

****

_NO MORE!!!_

_This is all your fault. So suffer my kisses._

_Doumeki…_

_Watanuki…_

_You’re such a creep._

_You love it._

_No. I’d rather we just talk._

_What do you want to talk about?_

_Anything. I just…_

_You know, I miss you._

_So come out of the shop and meet me!_

_Besides, you’re making me croquettes._

_Feed them to me_ _NOW_ _._

_You are impossible!_

_Is that a yes?_

_It’s going to take at least another 30 mins_

_until I finish with everything._

_So see you in 30?_

_Hmm, do you want to go meet Kano-san?_

_Yeah, there’s cake, right?_

_Yes, you monster._

_Okay. See you in 30._

_I’ll put on something nice for you._

_Don’t bother._

_Don’t you always look nice on anything?_

_Can’t believe I’m finally going to see where you live._

_I can’t believe it took you so long._

_Well…_

_I don’t share a room with anyone._

_You said there are two other boys._

_Do they room together?_

_Yes. But you’re missing the point._

_Huh?_

_Idiot. Kano-san won’t be home until 8. It’s still 6._

_And the other guys have late classes too. Around 7._

_And they usually keep to themselves as well._

_So…_

_So._

_We have an hour to fool around in your room?_

_For someone who’s supposed to be second in his class,_

_You’re surprisingly slow on the uptake right now._

_Finish up._

_Then quit mailing me._

**_*_ **

**_**_ **

****

**_***_ **

****

**_****_ **

****

**_*****_ **

_Doumeki, stop mailing!_

* * *

 

 

 

_So._

_So._

_That was…_

_What?_

_I mean, I didn’t think you would be up for it._

_Can we not talk about it?_

_I don’t want to talk about it._

_I was going to say I had a great time with you._

_And not just because of that._

_Quit mentioning it!_

_But it was…_

_WHAT?_

_So good._

_No it wasn’t_

_Did you not like it?_

_No._

_I mean no, I did._

_I wouldn’t have if I didn’t._

_Okay. So what’s wrong?_

_It’s embarrassing!_

_So stop talking about it._

_Sorry *******_

_You make me so mad sometimes_

**_**_ **

_More please?_

_Don’t you think you’ve already has enough of me for today?_

_Never. Not after that._

_SHUT UP DOUMEKI_

**D:**

_You can sad-emoticon me all you like_

_But if you bring it up again in mail_

_I’m not doing that again._

_Okay._

_So._

_Are we doing that again?_

**:|**

_No?_

_OF COURSE YES_

_IT WAS GOOD WASN’T IT_

_NOW_ _QUIT MAILING ME ABOUT IT_

_Watanuki,_

_If I could I’d be there with you right now_

_I'd tell you face to face_

_That there are many things about you_

_That make me happy_

_And I don’t think I’ll feel this way about anyone again_

_Not even for a girl_

_Why are you saying things like that?_

_You’re scaring me._

_Because you know it’s true._

_Doumeki, what do you want?_

_What do you mean?_

_From this?_

_From ME?_

_I want to be with you._

_Because of the fooling around?_

_No._

_I want to be with you, Watanuki_

_In every kind of way,_

_However you want._

_Even if we don’t do that again?_

_Even then. I like talking to you._

_I like to get to know you more._

_There are still things we don’t tell each other._

_And I want to have more time so we can say them._

_If you want to take it slow, I don’t mind._

_I like that to._

_I like…talking._

_And the other stuff._

_Okay._

**_***_ **

_Hey let’s meet later before I go to the shop_

_Yuuko-san has an errand for me though so I can’t stay long_

_Anything I can help with?_

_I don’t know._

_She didn’t say._

_Well, if you need me_

_I’ll come to your errand too._

_Thanks. So see you tomorrow?_

_Yeah._

_Goodnight, duckie._

_Hey._

_Yeah?_

_Send me that hand icon again_

_And I’ll send you one right back_

_For what?_

_Because if it’s the last mail we send each other_

_It would be like we’re holding hands via icons_

_OH GOD FORGET IT_

_IT’S_ _STU_ _PID_

_No it’s not, Watanuki._

_Never think showing you like me is stupid._

_So…do you want to do the icons then?_

_I would like that very much._

_Okay._

_You first?_

**(‘’’) ***

**(‘’’) ***

 

* * *

 


	11. Not My Boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’ve really missed you and I can't wait to show you _how much._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Happy Birthday to Doumeki-kun!~** Look at this fun fan art I found online. I personally love the one with him wearing short shorts and holding a yellow ball! I would sell an assortment of my glands to see Live-Action Doumeki in those shorts!
> 
>   
>    
> 

* * *

 

 

 

Watanuki talked about Yuuko-san for fifteen minutes in the session, and Yoshima-san listened with a small smile playing at his lips. Watanuki tried to complain less about his employer, cautious about portraying her in a harshly critical light since she wasn’t really all that bad. There was just something so inconceivably unknowable about her. Every time he would stay in the shop to do chores for her, and feel her watching him in that terribly inquisitive way she does, Watanuki felt like a prey in the woods and she was a huntress of some sort. He could never be certain about her intentions or words. Sometimes it felt like she was playing a game with him that he wasn’t even allowed to participate in. He expressed this frustration to his therapist who just nodded every now and then. When Watanuki finally took a long pause, Yoshima-san took this as an opportunity to share his own thoughts.

“I don’t know her at all, but based from your accounts, it seems to me that you don’t exactly trust her,” the kind doctor explained. “And yet you feel drawn to her nonetheless. That’s why you decided to work part-time at her shop. This shop whose business you don’t want to disclose with me…and it’s fine.”

The doctor shifted from his seat and added, “Since this is the first time we will talk about this—and since you have been gone for a while—I hope you don’t mind if I ask you a few more questions about this enigmatic Yuuko-san.”

“Okay,” Watanuki nodded at once as he played with one of the loose buttons on his sleeve. It annoyed him that he forgot to sew this damnable button again. He’d been so busy with school, the shop and the fooling around with Doumeki that such a small obligation completely escaped him. It’s a bit disruptive to an otherwise perfect routine of his.

“Does Yuuko-san have other employees in her shop?”

Watanuki shook his head, but then corrected himself, “She has two girls—these sisters—who help her out. They’re about…the age of middle schoolers, I guess.”

That was a little white lie. Maro and Moro looked like they were younger than twelve, but he couldn’t actually say for sure, and whether or not they’re related. He just assumed they must have been, and that Yuuko-san was their guardian, much like Kanozawa-san was his. Said guardian took him in when he was thirteen and had raised him without being necessarily parental, but he was comfortably reliable and present. He gave Watanuki enough freedom to do what he wanted, possibly because he figured out a long time ago that Watanuki wouldn’t cause anybody trouble, not after what happened to his mother, and especially when Kano-san made sure that Watanuki always had consistent professional help from a psychiatrist.

“And how about Yuuko-san?” Yoshima-san asked, “Can you assess her age?”

“I don’t know, maybe thirties?” Watanuki rubbed his nape.

“Anything else? Is she the sole owner of the business? Do you think she’s married and has a husband somewhere?”

“I—I never really got to ask her these things.”

“Hmm,” Yoshima-san looked thoughtful for a while. He brushed his fingers against his forehead and then pushed back a stray gray hair before he spoke up again, “Now this might sound a little disconcerting but is she an attractive woman, Kimihiro-san?”

“Ah,” Watanuki was surprised by that question. “Well…” he paused and didn’t really have to think about when he replied, “She is beautiful. But, uh, that’s not—I mean, do you think that the reason that I—“

“Oh, no, no,” Yoshima-san can’t help but chuckle as he raised one hand up in a gesture of appeasement. “I’m not saying you decided to work for her because you have intentions like that. At least not consciously.”

“What?” Watanuki felt his cheeks flush a little but more out of indignation that the doctor would even consider that possibility.

“Calm down, Kimihiro-san,” Yoshima-san smiled wider now and patted Watanuki once on the knee. “You’re a seventeen-year-old boy who lost his mother in a tragic accident. You’ve lived with a male guardian alongside two other boys who are…in college, yes? And you’re not actually close with any of these people even if you have lived with them for years. Naturally, you will find yourself seeking a maternal presence and it is my belief that Yuuko-san is providing this. And it’s perfectly understandable, Kimihiro-san.”

Now the doctor was looking at him sadly, “There’s nothing wrong about it. Now I only asked if you find her attractive because if you develop feelings of infatuation for her then that’s also normal. I wouldn’t be discussing such a delicate topic of conversation with you if I wasn’t confident enough of your maturity, Kimihiro-san. You’ve endured a lot and I was here to witness most of those…trying times.”

Oh, yes. Watanuki lowered his gaze to his lap when he remembered what the doctor meant by that. The tantrums—the panic attacks—the two-day catatonia followed by a fever. Has it really been just four years since then?

“Now I trust you never to act on your feelings in case you do have a little crush on Yuuko-san,” the doctor was still explaining, “It would be untoward, of course.”

“Yes, of course,” Watanuki acquiesced. “But I am certain I don’t see her that way at all. Not even as a maternal figure. She’s not exactly the nurturing type, I don’t think.”

Yoshima-san just nodded. He patted Watanuki's knee again before he leaned back to his armchair and said, “Well, as long as your performance in school doesn’t suffer because of your part-time work then I’m sure you will be fine. And if you are struggling, I’m always here to help you adjust, as I’ve had in the past.”

“I know,” Watanuki smiled at this. The doctor had done so much for him in the last four years. If he wasn’t a disbeliever of the paranormal, Watanuki would have disclosed about the hauntings and his unnatural ability to see ghosts and other otherworldly occurrences. But he supposed it was better this way; Yoshima-san doesn’t need to know that hidden aspect about Watanuki’s life. He wouldn’t be capable to handle it—but Yuuko-san can.

Watanuki sighed and thought about the puzzling mail she sent him last night after he got home from Doumeki’s house where they spent at least three hours working on their assignments and studying their lessons whilst Kyoko-san made them food and supervised over them. He received Yuuko-san’s mail while he was standing outside the house with Doumeki, who was leaning in to give him a goodnight kiss (after Watanuki absolutely made sure that Kyoko-san was still inside, and not at all spying on them or anything). His cell phone vibrated in his pocket, prompting Doumeki to make another lewd joke about it. Watanuki slapped him lightly on his cheek and then opened the mail right there and then as Doumeki decided to kiss him on his cheek and neck while Watanuki busied himself reading the content.

 

 

_Part-timer! This is your mistress speaking!_

_I’m coming back in two days._

_Please make sure to keep the sake warm and the champagne cold._

_Also, hang some streamers._

 

He rolled his eyes at her demands, and was about to pocket his phone when it vibrated again. Watanuki moved his face so Doumeki could finally kiss his lips, but then he had to look at his screen again so he can read the next mail:

 

_Sometimes what is readily given isn’t something worth receiving_

_Nothing should be taken by force and yet nothing is offered freely as well_

_An action has a consequence_

_An action is committed based on an expectation._

 

_Be careful of your expectations._

 

 

“Are you okay, Kimihiro-san?”

“Oh!” Watanuki was reeled back into the present and he blinked at Yoshima-san who was looking at him with concern.

“I lost you there for a minute,” the older man remarked. “Where did you go?”

“I was just—” Watanuki wasn’t sure what kind of excuse he can make up so he opted not to. He just went back to staring at his hands on his lap.

“Take your time,” the doctor reassured him. “If there is something else…”

“Actually,” Watanuki said, “There is.”

“Yes?”

“Um,” he wondered how to discuss it. “I have this friend.”

“Is it that boy from a few days ago?”

Thinking about Doumeki again almost suffocated him in the most hideously giddy way possible, but Watanuki shook his head, “No, I have this other friend. She’s a girl, and her name is Himawari-chan. I think she’s having some problems with her family.”

“Okay,” Yoshima-san answered. “And did you ask her about it?”

“I’m actually worried about her because she refuses to talk to me about it,” Watanuki explained. “And then she’s been avoiding me lately. I know I have to respect her reasons and give her some space but…based from my experience alone, I actually wished somebody my age talked to me when I was having some trouble in school. I wish I had a friend.”

The doctor leaned closer, moving his chair just an inch as he held Watanuki’s gaze, “I can see where you are coming from. But people have different ways to cope with their tragedies.”

“But you said so yourself before,” Watanuki reasoned out, “that sometimes leaving some alone to dwell and deal with their problems isn’t always the healthiest option. Sometimes there is a need for intervention.”

“That depends,” Yoshima-san cupped his chin as he asked. “Has she shown any signs of self-harm? That’s usually one of the most crucial reasons to intervene.”

“I don’t know,” Watanuki replied. “I haven’t seen her. During class, she wouldn’t even talk to me. And when I try to go talk to her, she always leaves quickly to go home or attend to council meetings. She’s a student officer, you see.”

“Why do you think there is something you should be worried about,” Yoshima-san narrowed his gaze a little. “Do you like her, Kimihiro-san?”

He was prepared for this question so he managed to calmly reply, “There was a time that I had been interested in her. And we have undergone something that brought us closer together—or so that’s what I’d like to believe. But clearly, she had a different opinion. I guess—well, I guess I feel…hurt. I don’t understand why she’s not trusting me, or why she feels the need to hide.”

“I see,” Yoshima-san sighed. “Do you think perhaps that you romantic attraction to her is coloring your judgment on this?”

Watanuki blinked. “What do you mean, Yoshima-san?”

“Perhaps it’s because you like her that you expect her to feel the same way,” the doctor observed. Before Watanuki could disagree, Yoshima-san put a hand up and continued, “You want her to feel the same way in a sense that you want to be the person she can count on to open up about her problems. If she starts treating you as that person, then perhaps it could be a validation that she returns your feelings.”

“I,” Watanuki began but couldn’t finish. He felt embarrassed of all of a sudden. “Maybe,” he quietly admitted.

Yoshima-san nodded. “You shouldn’t get involved unless you really understand that there can be negative consequences. Every action always has one after all.”

Watanuki opened his mouth to say something but couldn’t.

“It’s not necessarily a bad thing to expect reciprocation,” the doctor went on, “but you have to avoid being influenced badly by your expectations especially if it might only risk your relationship with someone you care about.

 _Be careful with your expectations_ is what Yuuko-san told him twice now. This was being reinforced by his doctor. Watanuki had no other choice but to listen and obey.

“There’s also something else,” Watanuki decided to change the topic. “It’s about that boy…my friend, Doumeki.”

Yoshima-san noticeably brightened out. “How are you with him, by the way? I’m actually curious about that boy. Maybe it’s because this is the first time you confirmed that you have a friend. I’m very happy for you.”

He blushed. “W-Well, you don’t have to make such a fuss, Yoshima-san!”

“But it is a big deal,” the doctor went on, “I’ve encouraged you to form ties in school but you never really did until now.”

“Well,” Watanuki tried to explain. “It just sort of happened.”

“Friendship is supposed to come involuntarily, Kimihiro-san,” Yoshima-san remarked. “However, making friends has to be a choice.”

“I know,” Watanuki leaned back on his chair and closed his eyes for a minute or so. He wasn’t sure if he should even tell his therapist about the specific kind of friendship he has been having with Doumeki because he doubted that other guys his age are making out with their male friends. He’s not sure if the doctor would be comfortable talking about something like that even if he is a paid professional. Besides, it’d be mortifying! How can he ever talk about him and Doumeki acting like they were more of a couple than friends? Speaking of which…perhaps asking Yoshima-san some advice about that would be okay.

“Never mind Doumeki,” Watanuki quickly said and then asked, “There is somebody I like. Not Himawari-chan. Someone…different. _She_ and I have been hanging out a lot lately. But to be honest, I think we’re becoming more than friends.”

Yoshima-san said nothing. He simply nodded to urge Watanuki to keep going.

“We’ve…” Watanuki felt nervous as his cheeks burned slightly because of the discomfort this conversation is bringing him. “ _She_ and I have…”

Yoshima-san just stared, his face pleasant as always.

“Um,” Watanuki bit his lower lip. _Just say it_. “We’ve gotten physical.” And then he rambled, “Nothing _too_ physical but we just…we just…touched and kissed.”

Again, Yoshima-san nodded. There was a pregnant silence before he asked. “But your relationship has stayed platonic?”

“I think so,” Watanuki has no idea. He started playing with the loose button on his sleeve again and absentmindedly looked at the clock on the side.

“Okay,” Yoshima-san spoke slowly, “It’s normal for your age but I hope you know well enough what happens if you’re not careful.”

“Careful…” Watanuki trailed off, preoccupied by something else. And then it hit him. “Oh!” he almost shouted. And then covered his mouth. “Oh, you mean… _that._ ”

Yoshima-san couldn’t hide a small smile. “Yes, Kimihiro-san… _that_.”

“Uh…” How can Watanuki explain that if he does have sex with his friend, accidental _pregnancy_ would never have to be an issue.

Wait, does he want to have sex with Doumeki?

Would it ever get to that point?

It did feel good to kiss and touch him. In fact, it felt _better_ than good.

He was still thinking about it when Yoshima-san stood up and opened one of his drawers from a corner. He sat back down and then handed to him a couple of leaflets. Watanuki looked down to read the titles and realized what they were. He just stared at them without saying a word, unable to process what was happening until the doctor also handed him what is unmistakably a prophylactic for _that_.

“Yoshima-san…” Watanuki felt like he wanted to either run away or just crawl into a tight ball and die. This was too mortifying!

“It’s a condom,” Yoshima-san stated blankly as he held said prophylactic. With his other hand, he gestured at the things he had given as if there was nothing out of ordinary about the whole situation. “And those are informational leaflets about safe sex. Since you just admitted to becoming active with a possible partner, it’s best to make sure you are properly informed. Now, we could discuss some things that confound you—”

“Yoshima-san!” Watanuki stressed his name now and gripped the leaflets. “This is very considerate of you but let me assure you first and foremost that I don’t think it’s going to be necessary—”

“Please don’t be so embarrassed, Kimihiro-san,” Yoshima-san placed the condom on the desk on his side. Watanuki tried not to look at it. “I will never judge you for your activities because it’s healthy for a boy your age to explore his sexuality. However, as your therapist and a medical professional, I am compelled to ensure that you are having safe sex—”

“No, no, I’m not—not having—I mean…” Watanuki felt like he was going to cry. This was so confusing and he can’t breathe all of a sudden.

“Oh,” Yoshima-san made a motion to pat his knee again but decided against it at the last second. He replied instead, “Okay, please calm down. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was forcing you into an uncomfortable situation. I just…I want you to consider your options here and to make decisions with a clear head, provided that you have an idea on what you’ll get yourself into with this young lady that you told me you are physical with. Please don’t think I’m doing this to humiliate you because I am not."

“I know,” Watanuki’s voice sounded small, “I know you meant well. I just…” he placed down the crumpled leaflets aside. “I just don’t know what to…say. I feel like I’m doing a bad thing.”

“That’s not how you should view sex, Kimihiro-san.”

“No!” Watanuki coughed out and then he cleared his throat, “I meant…well. I sort of, uh…lied about some stuff.”

“Which are?” Yoshima-san’s eyebrows furrowed.

“It’s not…” Watanuki clenched his hands into fists. He lowered his gaze and quietly breathed out. “It’s not with a girl.”

Yoshima-san hardly blinked for a few seconds. And then, “I understand.”

“Do you?” Watanuki looked up at him even though he couldn’t meet his gaze directly. “It’s…it’s…not normal, is it?”

“It’s not unheard of, if that’s what you’re asking,” Yoshima-san smiled.

“I’m not…” Watanuki swallowed a lump in his throat and then weighed his next words carefully as he said, “…gay, am I?”

Yoshima-san sighed thoughtfully. He leaned back on his chair again and folded his arms in front of him. “I believe you are the only one who can say for yourself if you are, my dear boy. It’s up to you to figure that out.”

Watanuki can’t take it anymore. He buried his face in his hands. It took him a long time to speak up. He just stayed like that for a minute, breathing in and out of his palms. Yoshima-san didn’t say anything as well.

Finally, when he was feeling slightly better, Watanuki looked up and said. “This was really the first time. I liked girls growing up—rather, I still like girls. I still have feelings for Himawari-chan. But this…with this friend…it feels different. And not just because he’s a guy—well, mostly there’s that too. But more or less…I think—” he swallowed and then continued, “I think it’s more than a physical thing.”

“Sex is not strictly about physical connection, of course,” Yoshima-san explained, uncrossing his arms. He steeped his fingers together now. “When you engage in sex, there are feelings involved. Some would say feelings can be avoided but it is my personal belief that when you share yourself in such an intimate way with another person, you’re bound to feel closer emotionally as well. And as a teenager, it’s honestly going to be trying for you.”

Watanuki nodded only because he had nothing else to say.

“Kimihiro-san,” Yoshima-san finally reached out his hand to pat his knee again. “You’ve been through some tough stuff as a kid and you’ve continued to impress me with how much you have grown since.” He smiled. “I’m proud of you, Kimihiro-san. If nothing else, I hope you know that whatever you decide to do, I will always support you. If you lose your way, I will be there to help you get back on the right track.”

“Thank you so much,” Watanuki tried smiling even though he still wanted to cry a little. “You’ve been…so considerate about… _everything_.”

Cautiously, Watanuki placed his hand on top of the doctor’s. Yoshima-san grinned now and the expression lit up his face.

Watanuki never had a father. But if he could choose someone to be his father, it would definitely be someone like Yoshima-san. _Well, he’s more like a grandfather figure, actually_ , he mused to himself.

Withdrawing, Yoshima-san glanced at the clock and said, “Well, I hate to cut this short but I think that’s it for today. Unless you want to talk about something else…?”

Watanuki shook his head, feeling absolved and refreshed. “No, it’s okay. I’m really glad I decided to do this again with you, Yoshima-san. And from now on I will meet your more frequently…when other important stuff don’t get in the way, that is. Finals is coming up so I might not meet you next month because I have to focus—”

Yoshima-san just waved a hand and said, “Yes, yes, of course. As long as there is no emergency, we can still meet every other week, and every month in the least.”

Watanuki stood up now and the doctor followed suit.

“Also,” Yoshima-san added, “There is no real need for you talk to me about the things you are not ready for. Case in point, about this…crisis you are having about your sexual preference. I would be okay discussing it if that is what you want but I respect if you want to keep it to yourself because I don’t expect you to be readily open for a conversation about it, anyway.”

“Okay,” Watanuki felt himself blushed but this time it wasn’t because he was scared or embarrassed. He was so grateful for having the chance to finally talk about this, and that there is someone in his life who is willing to listen. He doesn’t feel alone anymore. He has his therapist—even Yuuko-san and Doumeki.

 _Doumeki_ , Watanuki felt his blush deepening as he remembered that stupid jerk and his hungry kisses across his skin and on his lips. _I like Doumeki and it’s okay, isn’t it?_

As he headed towards the door, Yoshima-san greeted him to have a pleasant night but then he walked closer to Watanuki and touched his arm, saying, “And don’t think you’re abnormal, Kimihiro-san. You’re a young boy still trying to know himself and figure out what he wants. And there is nothing more universal and natural than the desire for self-discovery and acceptance.”

He squeezed Watanuki’s arm for warmth and reassurance. Watanuki would have cried there and then but decided it would be too sappy and undignified so he just smiled as brightly as he could to show his gratitude. He left the clinic in a state of wonder and relief, walking back to the shop with Yoshima-san’s words still ringing in his ears. He thought about Yuuko-san too, and whether or not she must have sensed his troubles in that weird clairvoyant way of hers. _It’s good to talk to people. Maybe I should talk to Yuuko-san about my problems too? I mean, would she mind? Would that seem presumptuous?_

Watanuki decided that it wouldn’t hurt to try.

 

 

* * *

 

The next day after school, Watanuki had an agenda in place.

He stopped by the grocery store first to buy ingredients for the cake he wanted to bake for Kano-san since it is his birthday. Originally, Watanuki wasn’t going to do anything except greet him again tonight, but since he was such in a good mood, he decided he wanted to share that positivity with other people especially to a man who took him in as an orphan. Once inside the shop, he started instructing Maro and Moro to help in the kitchen who are more than happy to see him again. He realized they must have been lonely all by themselves. How could Yuuko-san leave them for days? Do they even eat? Watanuki decided he was going to make them some food later. He did buy some meat and vegetables too because he’s been meaning to make croquettes for Doumeki.

Thinking about Doumeki again, Watanuki can’t help a smile as he grabbed his phone from his bag and started mailing him. It was only because he wanted to check up on him. After all, he did just leave school without even stopping by his club room. Now he wasn’t really going to talk to him that long. But he really should have known better. He can talk to Doumeki _for hours_ if he didn’t have other things to do—and he does have things to accomplish today, but instead he ended up trying to continue baking while also taking breaks so he can type his responses. How infuriating is that?!

Doumeki is the worst! And Watanuki likes him _so much_ that he could feel his insides just turning to mush every time he’s near him, or thinking about him, or kissing him, or just _thinking about being near him and kissing him_. It’s aggravating and insane!

It was no surprise then that after several rounds of gruelling flirtatious exchanges that unbelievably made Watanuki semi-hard in his pants, Doumeki was able to convince him to meet him as soon as he was done baking and cooking—and now Doumeki is coming to the shared living space with Kano-san and his nephews.

Watanuki was horrified. He had promised to fool around with Doumeki at that. He should be upset but he can’t deny that he was looking forward to seeing that smug bastard again. They haven’t gotten a chance to fool around because of the strict instructions of Doumeki’s mother, and their different schedules at school. But it was more than that. Watanuki wanted to talk to Doumeki again about anything and everything—and nothing at all. It’s weird and a little disturbing. How someone can inspire so many conflicting emotions all at once is beyond him.

He had to figure it out. He had to understand why Doumeki is beginning to be the only thing Watanuki cares about—more than his studies, or concern for Himawari’s welfare, and more than the hauntings. Speaking of which—he hasn’t actually been hounded by ghosts lately. It was enough to make him forget that there was still an existing abnormality in his life. That was…odd but definitely a welcome relief. Could it because he’s been hanging around Doumeki all the time? Then how else could he explain the complete lack of ghost sightings even when Doumeki isn’t around?

Watanuki decided he was far too exhausted to think about that unprecedented development, not when his mind is preoccupied solely on Doumeki now, who has just mailed him and told him he was ten minutes away. He cleaned up the kitchen as the minutes ticked by. Meanwhile, Maro and Moro ate together, chatting animatedly to themselves about how delicious Watanuki’s cooking is.

Feeling affectionate all of a sudden, Watanuki bent down and kissed both girls on top of their heads. As if on cue, his cell vibrated on his pocket again, alerting that Doumeki was right outside the shop now. Watanuki grinned too widely as he rushed to get to the doors. His chest was spun so tightly that his heart was now caught in his throat. He tried to breathe evenly, tried to calm his nerves, tried to be rational and in control of his person but he was failing miserably.

As soon as he saw Doumeki waiting for him (and he did dress up nicely as he said on mail), Watanuki couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. He took deep breaths as he approached. Doumeki saw him instantly and gave him a nod before he began walking on his direction as well. Trying to stop smiling, Watanuki lowered his gaze while he clenched and unclenched his fists.

He was expecting Doumeki to say something asinine again, like demand for Watanuki to feed him already, or make some snide comment about Watanuki’s appearance. That immature song and dance was part of their routine now, almost seemingly well-rehearsed. But Doumeki did none of these things. Instead, he brushed his hand across Watanuki’s cheek with a tenderness so unexpected, until it landed at the back of his head, cupping him there.

Watanuki just gaped at him, unable to react. His chest was painful and his feet feel like they’re being sucked underground. He can’t move; even the muscles in his face were numb.

“Hey, you.” Doumeki smiled almost sheepishly.

“Uh, hey,” Watanuki managed to respond but he was still frozen in place.

Doumeki’s smile faltered a little and then he lowered his hand to Watanuki’s shoulder, squeezing him. “Are you ready to go?

“Yeah,” Watanuki willed himself to move, “Just help me pick up the cake. It’s already boxed. I have, uh, the croquettes in a Tupperware…”

“Okay,” Doumeki smiled again.

“Yeah.”

“You okay?” Doumeki leaned close, staring deeply into his eyes.

Watanuki gulped and then finally took a step back. “Yeah. Let’s just—let’s pick up the stuff and go to my place, okay?”

“Okay,” Doumeki wasn’t smiling anymore. He looked worriedly at Watanuki. “But I can’t really see the shop, though. Yuuko-san said that it’s because I don’t really have a wish. So…” he examined the ground as he trailed off.

“That’s okay,” Watanuki nodded, “I will just ask Maro and Moro to help me pick them up from the shop and then I’ll carry them here myself.”

“Is that okay?”

“Not like we have a choice, right?” Watanuki snorted. “Look, it’s fine. Really.”

He sighed and then stepped closer again so he can tiptoe and kiss Doumeki lightly on the cheek. “And there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just…in a hurry? I mean, I just want to leave now. So we could get there earlier and we can…” he felt like his lungs are going to collapse as he muttered, “…you know.”

Doumeki finally grinned back. He wasn’t saying anything.

“Goddamn you, just stay here and wait for me!” Watanuki spun around and started stomping away, hoping Doumeki was still following him anyway.

He got his answer when Doumeki caught up to him and wrapped his arm around Watanuki’s shoulder, pulling him close. He leaned down and whispered into his ear, “Come back soon, duckie. I’ve really missed you and I can't wait to show you _how much_.”

Watanuki stayed like that with him for several more seconds, allowing the heat and anticipation to build up, but then he realized that if he stayed any longer, he might just start kissing Doumeki in wild passion and never stop, and he can’t because people are still passing by this side of the street and may see them. He wrenched himself free from Doumeki but tried not to act so annoyed by it. He stuck out his tongue and—feeling feverish with glee and excitement—told Doumeki, “Then I guess I’m just gonna have to fix that for you, don’t I?”

“Oh?” Doumeki raised an eyebrow. He smirked in that arrogant, _sexy_ way he does and replied. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

Watanuki snorted so he can hide his embarrassment. He started walking off again. When he was only three yards away, he couldn’t resist goading the other boy so he looked back and called out, “Well, you better be careful with what you wish for!”

 

 

 

* * *

 


	12. Testing Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You’re clearly a virgin.”
> 
> “Well, _excuse me_!”

 

* * *

 

Doumeki was going crazy.

That’s the only plausible explanation for this queasy, knotted feeling on his stomach that is somehow impending his rational thinking. It’s clearly a sign that he descending to madness. Exaggerations aside, his only compensation would be that he was not alone with this feeling. Is Watanuki just as nervous and thrilled as he is, being alone again together with the expectation and promise that they will make the most of this time and not just by fooling around? Doumeki wants to make out with Watanuki among other things, sure, but he also wants to talk to him in person, find out about his day, and watch how his usually crestfallen face would immediately transform into a pleasant countenance of shy smiles and meaningful glances that are directed at his way. He’d like to think he was solely responsible for that these days.

That late afternoon as they walked together to the other boy’s condominium, armed with the Watanuki’s latest cookery—a box of homemade birthday cake and a Tupperware of soon-to-be fried croquettes—Doumeki took that opportunity to ask him about how his day went at school and at the shop.

“Did Yuuko-san leave you a list of things you should do at the shop while she’s on her trip?” he asked.

“Not exactly,” Watanuki looked a bit unnerved. “She would just send me these mails in sporadic periods. They would have weirdly specific details about tasks that have to be accomplished during a specific moment in time. It’s…making me a little agitated. It feels as if she was doing it on purpose just to mess with me.”

“What sort of activities were they, anyway?”

“Random housekeeping stuff and some unsavory tasks you don’t need to know,” Watanuki grumbled, kicking a pebble. “Don’t bother yourself with them, okay?”

“Okay,” Doumeki simply answered. “So what do you want to talk about?”

“Well,” Watanuki thought for a while and then asked. “Are you joining the archery tournament this coming week? I mean, I know you are because I saw a list of participants posted at the school’s bulletin board yesterday so…”

“Wow,” Doumeki smirked. “You’re bad at conversation starters, aren’t you?”

“Shut up,” Watanuki side-kicked him and walked ahead.

Doumeki continued grinning and increased his speed to catch up to the other boy. “To expound on that question of yours; yes, I’m participating, and so these next few days I won’t be able to see you as much. I think this may be the only time we can hang out again. You can’t even come to my house to study since my mom plans on taking on another extra shift for this week so she won’t be at home early. And we’ve all agreed that we can only spend time at my house when she’s there.”

“Which is why you’re coming over to my place right now because Kano-san doesn’t have rules like that,” Watanuki replied, shoving one hand into his pocket as he swung the bag he is holding with the other.

“So this Kano-san never came up to you one day and said, ‘No extended make-out sessions with male schoolmates under my roof’, I assume?”

Even without looking he knew Watanuki would be blushing at that. “Nothing as crass as that, you big oaf!”

“You think that’s crass?” Doumeki nudged him by the elbow, leaning closer to him. Watanuki didn’t pull away and nudged back at him just as hard. “Trust me, Watanuki, you don’t know crass at all.”

“Oh yeah?” Watanuki slowed down his steps to give him a glare. “What’s your definition of crass?”

“How about,” Doumeki met his gaze. “…I just show you later.”

“Then walk faster,” Watanuki shot back, smirking at him.

“You’re the one who’s slow.” Doumeki started to quicken his pace and Watanuki followed suit until they were almost racing together without actually running.

After a fifteen-minute walk, they finally reached Watanuki’s condo. The place is located at the third floor and since the elevator was broken, they had to use the stairs. Doumeki carried both the box of cake and the Tupperware the entire time while Watanuki insisted carrying their school bags. When they finally reached the floor, Watanuki spun around and asked Doumeki to take the keys out of his pocket since he can’t reach them, and he’s too lazy to bring the bags down. Doumeki only had to rest the weight of box on top of the Tupperware with one hand as he used his other hand to fish out the keys. He couldn’t help but grin at Watanuki.

“So are we already starting with the foreplay?” Doumeki wouldn’t deny that he was sort of prolonging searching into Watanuki’s backside pocket. Sort of.

Watanuki didn’t answer. He just glared in that adorable way of his.

After a few more lingering seconds, Doumeki was successful in retrieving the keys. Watanuki finally handed him one of the bags so he can insert the key and unlock the door. It swung open quietly, letting out cold, stale air from within. Watanuki switched on the lights and hurriedly removed his shoes. Doumeki followed suit. They put on some slippers from the corner and then stepped into the hallway.

“How many rooms does the place have?” Doumeki asked as he looked around what he guessed was the living room. The entire place was immaculate, and he had no doubt that Watanuki kept it clean. The other men could have easily been neat freaks themselves, but Doumeki would like to think Watanuki was the one who would find more time to keep their living quarters pristine daily, with or without the expectations of guests dropping in. It’s just in the guy’s personality to be so exacting.

In response to his question, Watanuki glanced at his way and said, “Who cares? The only room that should matter to you right now is mine, fool.”

And Doumeki just laughed. His stomach was doing that weird thing again, like something was trying to gnaw on his insides but in an _awesome_ way.

Watanuki rolled his eyes at him and took the box and Tupperware from Doumeki. He placed them in the counter at the kitchen. Doumeki put their bags down in one of the sofas. When he turned around, Watanuki was already yards away and without preamble, they both grabbed at each other and started kissing. Watanuki reached out with arms outstretched to pull him down, quickly compensating for their pesky height difference. Doumeki leaned down as far as he could go, and he can’t help the delighted sound that came from him as he captured the other boy’s mouth. They stayed like that for at least two minutes, just clutching each other, all heated intent despite the clumsy execution. Watanuki even pulled away slightly just so he can scold Doumeki for his lack of gracefulness, and Doumeki answered by pushing Watanuki to a nearby wall, careful not to push him on it too hard, and latching his mouth on Watanuki’s throat the moment his collar was out of the way.

“You’re a brute,” Watanuki sounded pleased when he said that though, and he raked his fingers through Doumeki’s hair to show appreciation. “At least the Jorougumo was gentle compared to you.”

Doumeki pulled away to look at him in the eye. “Really? You bring that up right now? Are you honestly comparing this with whatever that little harlot put you through?”

Watanuki just laughed but he sounded uncomfortable. “Sorry, you’re right. This wasn’t like that. That was non-consensual. This…” he traced a finger from Doumeki’s collar down to his chest, “…this is something else that I hope would be worth all my putting up with your obnoxious attitude.”

“Oh?” Doumeki clutched his wrist and then kissed Watanuki on his pulse. He heard Watanuki’s breath hitch as he squirmed around for more space but Doumeki didn’t allow it. He bent down and buried his mouth on Watanuki’s for another searing kiss.

And then Watanuki shoved him out of the way and took a step forward to get away but Doumeki wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him back closer. Watanuki’s backside came in contact with his crotch and the result was…interesting.

“Gods!” Watanuki groaned, sounding both annoyed and confused. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” He wiggled for leeway and when he couldn’t find it, he muttered, “Doumeki, you’re freaking _hard_ , do you know that?”

Doumeki can’t help but chuckle low as he leaned down and pressed a tender kiss behind Watanuki’s ear. “Am I?” he asked, “I didn’t notice.”

In retaliation, Watanuki cursed him with a wonderful array of insults as he wrenched himself free as forcefully as he could. His eyes suddenly looked alive with something a little frightening, and then he grabbed Doumeki by his collar, practically dragging him to what Doumeki assumed to be his room. Watanuki twisted the knob on the door without looking, keeping their gazes locked on one another. Doumeki didn’t make a sound, too preoccupied by the ragged sound of his heartbeat on his ears and the smoldering look Watanuki was giving him. His glasses were fogged from humidity and sweat and Watanuki almost ripped the pair from his face and tossed it somewhere. He kicked his slippers off and then pushed Doumeki down the bed with an uncharacterized aggression, taking both his arms and pinning them on the sheets. That was when Doumeki finally started moving, meeting each seize of hand with his own, answering each kiss and bite with a certain mindless violence, almost like a madman possessed.

He thought Watanuki would slow down a little when he started fighting back, but this only served to excite the other boy, and he pressed Doumeki down on the bed completely by straddling on him, his thighs parted as he implanted his knees on the sheets. He cupped Doumeki’s hips next as he tested the position by leaning down and giving an experimental thrust. Their crotches barely made contact but the possibility that Watanuki’s next thrust would bring their bodies to fit better together made Doumeki groaned out, “Oh, you can’t do _that._ ”

Watanuki pulled away and hovered above him with a gleeful look of anticipation. His hands unbuttoned Doumeki in an agonizingly calculated way. “And why not?”

“Because you’re only making it hard on yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” Watanuki was smirking as one of his hands snaked down and found its way on Doumeki’s crotch. “But who’s making it hard on who?”

“Bastard,” Doumeki gritted his teeth and watched as Watanuki used both of his hands now to unbutton Doumeki’s pants and unzip his fly.

“Hey,” Doumeki can’t believe the words leaving his mouth, “Come on, man, stop that.” He reached out but ended up circling his fingers around Watanuki’s wrist but not exactly stopping him.

“You’re ridiculous,” Watanuki snorted as he looked at Doumeki’s face. “Why are you acting like some blushing bride on her wedding night?”

“And you would know that how exactly?” Doumeki teased. “Have you actually deflowered somebody else’s bride on her wedding night?”

“Idiot,” Watanuki was now rubbing his palm on the surface of Doumeki’s crotch where a glimpse of his underwear was revealed. He can’t help but arch his back at the contact. Watanuki’s smile was smug and he took Doumeki’s reaction as an encouragement. With a single motion, he buried his hand inside Doumeki’s underwear and clenched a fist around his throbbing manhood.

“Fuck!” Doumeki struggled to sit up now, burrowing his elbows down the sheets to find purchase. “What the hell are you doing, Watanuki?!”

“What does it look like, asshole?” Watanuki kept a loose grip on his cock as he answered, sounding like he was offended. He sighed before he added, this time trying to be soothing, “Listen, I just want to try something, okay? Don’t freak out. Can you please trust me?”

“I,” Doumeki was at lost for words. “I mean, I don’t…are you… _are you sure?_ ”

“Yeah,” Watanuki’s hand started moving around his cock now which was still fully concealed by his underwear. The other boy’s palm roughly brushed the shaft with an uncertain repetitive rhythm. “I mean, I’ve never jerked off another guy before but I’m willing to learn…” he paused and then swiped his thumb at the tip of Doumeki’s cock, “…does this feel okay to you?”

Doumeki just groaned in response, shifting more of his weight on his elbows and he closed his eyes.

“Hey,” Watanuki was calling to him so Doumeki forced his eyes open, “I asked you a question. You have to answer me so I’ll know—”

“It feels fucking amazing,” Doumeki was almost rambling. “I can’t believe—I can’t believe you’re actually—” he swallowed. “That’s really _your_ hand on _my—_ ”

And Watanuki chose that moment to give him his sheepish, boyish smile. “Really? So have you ever…I don’t know, imagined me doing this to you before?”

“A couple of times,” Doumeki answered truthfully.

Watanuki lowered his gaze. He looked pretty embarrassed, never mind the fact that he was still blatantly jerking off Doumeki, his rhythm becoming more confident now.

“Wait,” Doumeki shifted and said, “Lie beside me. Here…” he folded his legs beneath him and moved aside to make room for Watanuki on his bed. The other boy didn’t let go of his cock as he followed suit. They adjusted their positions without saying another word, trying to get comfortable with the limitation of space and movement between them. Once they were lying together, facing each other, Watanuki resumed stroking the shaft, still swiping his thumb at the tip every now and then. Doumeki hooked his leg on top of one of Watanuki’s, using it for purchase as he peeled off the rest of his pants. Watanuki had to let him go for a while as Doumeki struggled out of them until they looped around his ankles. While looking down, he noticed that they never closed the door so he said, “Maybe some privacy? They might come home earlier than expected or something so…" 

Watanuki cleared his throat in response and then got out of bed to lock the door. Before he returned, Doumeki pointed out, “You should take off your pants too,” and then he removed his slippers by tossing them clumsily down the floor.

For a moment he thought Watanuki was going to protest. He didn’t. Instead, he started unbuttoning and unzipping in haste, staring at Doumeki as he did. His eyes were clouded by the haze of lust at this moment, and Doumeki probably look just the same. Watanuki stepped out of his pants which he left on the floor, and then crawling back on the bed with Doumeki readily waiting for him with open arms. Watanuki kissed him slowly as if he was punishing him with it while Doumeki found his hands around his waist, squeezing one of his thighs between his own. The pleasurable pressure of the other boy’s muscle against his straining cock was immense. He started rutting against Watanuki, employing shallow thrusts.

“What are you—” Watanuki pulled back so he can look down at their locked bodies beneath, “Oh… _oh…oh gods_ , yes, _yes,_ that feels…it feels…” he bit down on his lower lip and then pressed his face on the side of Doumeki’s temple, right in the pillow.

“Watanuki…” Doumeki whispered his name just for the sake of it. He folded one leg so that the knee met the ceiling. With one foot implanted on the sheets, he used it to thrust upwards with more force, again and again _and again and again_ until his head started to feel dizzy and he was losing his breath. Watanuki began to moan above him, the sounds muffled by the pillow, as he locked his legs tighter around Doumeki’s. The only thing that separated them from fully experiencing the other was the troublesome last layers of clothing entrapping their hard cocks. Watanuki met each of Doumeki’s thrust with his own until he was the one pounding against him, pressing Doumeki into the mattress further with his fists clutching at the sheets on either side. As their bodies begin to get slick with sweat and their muscles strain from the excruciating combination of pain and bliss, Doumeki slid his fingers on the hair at the back of Watanuki’s head so he can make him to look at him.

 Watanuki looked utterly destroyed. He could barely look at Doumeki directly. He could only wheeze out, “Is this okay?”

“An understatement,” Doumeki would have laughed too but his voice only cracked. Without wasting any more moment, he twisted them together as swiftly as he could manage until Watanuki was pressed on his back and Doumeki was finally the one on top. The other boy barely registered the momentary change in position so Doumeki took advantage of that by taking hold of Watanuki’s cock from inside the confines of his drawers. He began stroking, maintaining the kind of speed he would use on himself when he would jerk off. Watanuki began writhing below him, hands now gripping him by the shoulders. His eyes were squeezed shut.

Doumeki started kissing him again, their tongues caught in a dance that both of them were eagerly fighting to lead. After some time, Watanuki gave up control and allowed Doumeki to slip his tongue farther in. Doumeki timed the motion of his hand on Watanuki’s cock to the way his tongue explored the other boy’s mouth, and in doing so, he couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to be inside Watanuki in _another way_. The thought made his blood sing, causing him to nibble on Watanuki’s lower lip as he let out a frustrated growl. Watanuki reached out with both hands and burrowed his fingernails on Doumeki’s scalp now, kissing back with a renewed ferociousness.

A few more minutes of silence lasted after that. There was only the sound of Doumeki’s hand tugging at Watanuki’s cock with an almost elegant flick of his wrist. Watanuki moaned out and then started muttering, “You…this… _I can’t_ …god, I want to…Doumeki…can I just…oh gods, _please_?”

“What?” Doumeki asked, his eyes setting back on Watanuki’s face. “What are you asking for? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“I want…” Watanuki gulped and then, “I want you to stop that…”

Before Doumeki could protest, Watanuki added. “I want you stop that so you can lie on your back and let me do something else.”

“And what is that?”

“Quit arguing and do as you’re told!” Watanuki was pushing Doumeki away. Without saying another word, he tried to push back Doumeki down the sheets once more.

“Not until you tell me first,” Doumeki countered, grabbing Watanuki’s wrists.

“I’m not telling you!” Watanuki glared. He looked dishelved and flushed all over—just _beautiful_. Doumeki had to snatch his black top and rip it open, uncaring how the buttons popped off. Watanuki gasped and was about so scold Doumeki before he was silenced by another searing kiss. After pulling away, Doumeki asked him again what he wanted to do but Watanuki just scoffed at him and pushed him back down.

“I’m not going to stop asking so you better just tell me—”

“Fine! I just—I want to—look!" Watanuki almost squealed, and then he whispered, “I’m going to suck you, okay?” His hands shook as he squeezed Doumeki uncertainly on his hips, lowering himself down his body to reach the desired destination. He kept his eyes on Doumeki’s the entire time as he rambled on, voice low and raspy, “I want to try sucking you. I don’t need you being weird about it, okay? So please don’t judge me or anything!” He breathed out and asked, “Um, uh, is it—is it okay if I…?”

Doumeki just stared at him, mouth agape. He couldn’t process what was happening anymore, not when Watanuki’s face was only inches away from his crotch. He simply gripped the sheets now and focused on keeping his breathing regular.

“Doumeki…” Watanuki whined. “Are you still with me? Look, I’m getting freaked out now so you better tell me if you want this or not…”

Not wanting to spook him, Doumeki sat up slowly, forcing Watanuki to follow. He then brushed his fingers through the other boy’s bangs. “You…you don’t need to do that.” He cupped Watanuki’s cheek and leaned closer to peck him on the lips.

Watanuki pulled away and asked, “But what if I want to?” And there was the pout. Doumeki couldn’t think straight anymore but he willed himself to.

“Then that’s…great,” he managed lamely. Watanuki rolled his eyes.

A few more seconds passed before Watanuki looked calm enough to talk. He kneeled on the bed now, covering his bulging crotch by pulling down the hem of his black top. Afterwards, he leaned close and touched Doumeki’s cheek, “Do you want me to keep going or do you want to stop? I don’t want to pressure you or anything, because I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing, really…” he let out a nervous chuckle. “But it feels so _good_ , right? I mean, I’ve never done anything like this but it’s so…” he sighed and then smiled in a way that made Doumeki’s stomach flip, “…it’s so nice. Just you and me…touching.” He pressed his lips softly on Doumeki’s. “…just kissing,” he lowered his mouth on Doumeki’s collarbone and kissed him there, “…just holding each other and…I don’t know. This…this is…it feels…”

He paused long enough for Doumeki to ask him. “It feels like what?”

“Like,” Watanuki looked back at him, sighing thoughtfully before he finished. “I guess, it feels bigger than just…than just fooling around…? Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Doumeki replied easily. “I wouldn’t be doing this with just anyone, let alone another guy. I really like you, Watanuki.”

Watanuki tried to hide his smile but failed because he simply just lowered his gaze and used a hand to cover his mouth.

Doumeki had to ask, “Do you like me?”

“That has an obvious answer.”

“Which I still want to hear you say it.”

“Doumeki,” Watanuki stopped covering his mouth. He was looking at Doumeki again. “I like you too. I mean, _obviously_.” He was glaring now. “We’re semi-naked in my bed and I just told you I want to suck your cock. Seriously, what other kind of proof do you want?” He huffed out.

“I had to be sure, you know.” Doumeki grinned.

“How sure do you want to be about it?” Watanuki arched an eyebrow.

“Maybe…” Doumeki allowed a hand to travel down Watanuki’s exposed chest, splaying his fingers on the skin, “…we can try something else than that first…? I just feel that we’re moving too fast.”

Watanuki squirmed, narrowing his gaze. “Like what? What’s better than me offering to—I can’t believe you’re actually turning that down!”

Doumeki laughed. “Look, I want your mouth everywhere around me—”

“And yet you refuse me?”

“But I just think we should…” Doumeki cleared his throat. “Listen, if you’re really sure about doing that—”

Watanuki shrugged his shoulders. “I just want to try it, you know.”

“Why?”

Watanuki scoffed. “ _I don’t know_ , Doumeki! It’s not like I woke up this morning with that particular agenda in mind. I was just…going with where the moment was leading us.”

“Okay,” Doumeki replied, nodding.

“And you?” Watanuki shot back. “Don’t you have something in mind that you want us to do? I can’t be the only one fantasizing scenarios here, right?”

“Not at all,” Doumeki grinned, leaning back slowly on the dashboard behind him. “But if I tell you what I’ve been imagining since we started, then you’re going to freak out because it’d be too… _crass_ for your taste.”

“Try me.”

“I’d rather not,” Doumeki crossed his arms. “You’re clearly a virgin.”

Watanuki sputtered. “Well, _excuse me!_ ”

Doumeki laughed again. “Okay, if I tell you, promise you won’t freak out.”

Watanuki nodded, biting down on his lower lip (which is becoming distracting and not at all helping Doumeki at this point).

“When we were kissing while I was jerking you off,” Doumeki spoke slowly, weighing his words. “I was…imagining…” he allowed himself a sharp intake of breath. This was actually embarrassing to admit but Watanuki was just staring, urging him to go on. “I was imagining going all the way with you,” he finished.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning,” Doumeki added, “Sex.”

“Huh.”

“Huh?”

“What do you mean by that?” Watanuki looked genuinely bewildered.

“What else could it mean?”

“I don’t know.” Watanuki shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know how that could work between two boys, you know. I never even thought about it until you and I just happened. So no, Doumeki, I don’t know what you mean. Isn’t…oral already enough? And mutual…masturbation?”

Doumeki sighed, “Yeah, those count as sex too, but they’re uh,” he paused. He can’t believe he actually has to explain it. “They’re what you call non-penetrative.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So penetrative means…” Watanuki gestured awkwardly down their crotch area.

“Obviously.”

“Right.”

A pause.

“So,” Watanuki asked again, “What exactly do you imagine when you imagine us going all the way?”

Doumeki fought the urge to bury his face with both hands and groaned in frustration. “Watanuki, if you know oral, then you probably now the other one.”

“Well, with a boy and a girl, there’s intercourse between genitals,” Watanuki began explaining. “But neither of us is a girl. So we can’t do that.”

Are they seriously having basic sex education lesson now? Doumeki wondered whether he should just answer his question directly or let him arrive to that conclusion by himself. It was amusing watching his thought process unfold after all.

“If it’s not oral then,” Watanuki chewed on his bottom lip again. “Then I guess…hmmm, not mutual jerking off either…something with penetration.”

Doumeki would have started laughing at how comedic this was, but he was also nervous that Watanuki would figure it out _and not like_ the answer.

Watanuki look lost in thought for a few more seconds and then he met Doumeki’s gaze. The meaning was indisputable in that gaze.

He got it.

Doumeki swallowed a lump at the back of his throat and waited for his reaction.

For a while Watanuki just sat there, his expression neutral. And then heat and color began to rise to his cheeks upon realization. He inhaled deeply, held it for two seconds, and the breathed out. “Okay,” he began. “That…that makes sense.”

“Yeah,” Doumeki only uttered.

“So that’s what you imagined…doing…” Watanuki gulped, “…to me?”

“Yes.”

“Huh,” Watanuki rubbed his nape, looking bashful and awkward. “I guess that…I mean, I don’t know.”

“Does it…” Doumeki paused, “…disgust you?”

Watanuki blinked. And then he shook his head. “Not really. I mean, I’ve heard about it. I know you can actually do that, and I never really gave it thought since it’s not like…it’s not like I ever fantasized doing that…even to a girl.”

“So when you fantasize with girls…?”

“Obviously, if I’m going to—”

“—screw said imaginary girl,” Doumeki finished for him which Watanuki didn’t appreciate.

“Yes,” Watanuki winced at the term, “ _that._ I would imagine just doing with her the standard kind of…penetration, you know.”

“Right.”

“I mean, you do too, right?”

“Yeah.”

Another pause. And then another.

“Doumeki,” Watanuki spoke up first. “Have you ever tried doing that though? I assume…I assume you’ve already been with girls, right?”

“Well,” Doumeki scratched his arm and then went on, “I have.”

“How many?” Watanuki asked quietly.

“I don’t know,” Doumeki answered, “Maybe, two?”

“Oh,” Watanuki frowned. “Did you…did you enjoy yourself?”

“Sure,” Doumeki quickly followed that up with, “But I didn’t have real feelings for those girls. I was also drunk. It was…look, if I knew that you were going to be a part of my life, and that I would feel this way about you—I would have waited.”

Watanuki blinked at that. He was smiling a little, rubbing a hand on his cheek as he did that pout thing again and replied, “I honestly don’t mind. I’m sure half the guys in our grade have already done it. And you’re…you’re Mr. Popular, right? So it wouldn’t be far-fetched to assume that you’ve already…you know."

Doumeki just shrugged his shoulders. Since they started this conversation, the urgency of his arousal has almost died down. He became aware of his surroundings now and his eyes wandered around Watanuki’s room. The walls are bare save for a few photographs of a woman he assumed were that of his late mother. There was a bookshelf in the left corner near the door, and his desk was facing a window with plain white curtains. He looked down and saw that the crumpled sheets have a Spider-man design and when he returned his gaze back on Watanuki, the other boy must have guessed what was on his mind because he answered:

“Everyone has a favorite superhero, right?”

“Right,” Doumeki blinked in surprise. He wanted to inquire more about it, but he decided to put a pin on that question for now, alongside Watanuki’s inexplicable dislike for fast food. Doumeki instead moved closer and wrapped his arms around Watanuki, pulling him close for an embrace.

“W-What? What’s going on?”

Doumeki sighed into the other boy’s hair. “I don’t know about you but I just feel like cuddling with you right now.”

“Really?” Watanuki sounded suspicious.

“It’s just nice to have you close like this…”

Watanuki sighed too but more because of exasperation. “And here I thought you want to go all the way already.”

Doumeki smirked and asked. “Don’t even tempt me.”

“I-I wasn’t!” Watanuki tried to wrench free but Doumeki was already pulling him back down the sheets. “Doumeki, come on! I was just—”

“So you will never want to try that with me someday?” Doumeki asked point-blank as he met the other boy’s gaze.

“I never said that.”

“So you will?”

“I never said that either!”

Doumeki just chuckled. “How about we just lie down together like this and try something else in the meantime?”

“I thought you only want to cuddle…” but Watanuki was adjusting himself to face Doumeki from the other side.

“How about we do that thing again earlier?”

“What thing?” Watanuki was pouting and it remains Doumeki’s most favorite thing about him.

“You know,” Doumeki smirked suggestively. “When you were on top of me and we were moving against each other? Sorta like we’re fucking?”

Watanuki’s eyes narrowed to slits as his breath hitched.

“I said,” he sounded almost too quiet, “don’t be crass.”

“What’s wrong with me saying that we were sorta fucking earlier? It’s true, isn’t it?”

“Doumeki…” Watanuki said warningly as his hand reached out to grip Doumeki by the shoulder.

Doumeki just leaned in close and kissed him gently on the lips. Watanuki didn’t even respond to that but his grip loosened a little. They stared at each other for a while, not saying anything. Doumeki relished on their closeness. He simply counted each long eyelash on Watanuki’s eyes and then traced his plump lips with a finger. And then using one hand, Doumeki pulled down the rest of his boxers and discarded them to the side.

Watanuki still wasn’t saying anything so Doumeki wrapped an arm around him and then moved himself on top of the other boy. Watanuki complied, simply shifting his body to accommodate the change in position, looking up at Doumeki with hooded eyes as Doumeki yanked him free from his own boxers. They just stared at one another as they arranged their legs beneath them so that they were clamped against each other again. Doumeki pressed closer before he started rutting against Watanuki, creating new heat and fiction between their bodies as he did. Watanuki sighed as his eyes closed slowly, letting out pleased sounds and clutching Doumeki by his elbows as he met each thrust with his own. Doumeki shifted so he could align their cocks together before he resumed thrusting with more enthusiasm.

He heard Watanuki chuckle underneath him and when he looked at the other boy, Watanuki was saying something under his breath.

“What was that?”

“I said,” Watanuki repeated, “I said you should keep going, maybe even a little faster and harder.” He smiled now. “And that I’ll kill you if you even dare to stop.”

Doumeki grinned at that. “Do you want to see how long we can last before we finish?”

“Well, I’m certainly not coming while we’re only _sorta fucking_ like this, if that’s what you’re saying.”

“Then we stop and jerk each other off then?”

Watanuki nodded meekly. “Later. But first,” he remarked as he pulled Doumeki down for a kiss while thrusting upwards against him. Doumeki groaned into the kiss and eagerly responded with the motion of his hips.

Five minutes in and Doumeki could feel the pressure building up at the pit of his stomach and even though his thigh and leg muscles strain beneath him, he kept on pounding down against Watanuki whose constant sighing and occasional giggling unbelievably managed to turn Doumeki on some more.

“Doumeki…” he was muttering under his breath, eyes closed as if in prayer, “Gods, Doumeki…you’re…wow, you’re _really good_ at this…”

Doumeki could only manage a hum. He buried his face on Watanuki’s right shoulder and started sucking on the skin. Watanuki dug his fingertips on his back now.

A few more thrusts in and Watanuki was pleading for him to stop because he was getting close so Doumeki forced himself to lie on his side on the bed and reach out to grasp Watanuki’s cock. The other boy moaned and fumbled at Doumeki’s crotch to do the same. They started with a rather awkward rhythm at first while they give each other directions on how they want to be pleasured. After some time they both began to develop an instinct for what the other one wants, and their shared activity became more enjoyable especially when Watanuki kept rambling on about how amazing Doumeki is, how he wished they could stay like this forever, how much he hated himself for not doing this sooner with him. Doumeki didn’t answer, afraid that he might say something snarky that will get under Watanuki’s nerves that would dissuade him from going on. He simply shut his eyes and gave in to the multiple sensations overtaking the rest of his senses, turning his mind into mush and his legs into lead, completely useless and heavy beneath him.

Watanuki let out what sounded like a squeal as he came all over Doumeki’s hand. It was a delicious sound. The sight of Watanuki coming—the sudden warm spillage on Doumeki’s fingers—the sheer intensity of the act—gave him the final push to the edge, forcing him to let it all go. He heard Watanuki make another surprised but pleased sound as the hand on his cock slipped for a moment before tightening again. Doumeki’s toes curled and his sight darkened for a moment as he released into Watanuki’s palm, trembling terribly after the fact. He felt Watanuki’s mouth on his seconds after, his tongue probing, plundering within. There was even a scrape of teeth on his bottom lip as Watanuki released the grip from his cock and started moving his palm, still slick with cum, along the softening shaft instead.

Doumeki shivered again and would have wanted to continue caressing Watanuki for himself but he was unexpectedly exhausted. All he wanted to do now was to lie there and soak in the intense feelings still thrumming across his flesh, echoing.

After a minute, Watanuki disentangled from him to lie back on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and Doumeki watched him quietly. It took a while to gather their breaths but as soon as Watanuki did, he glanced to the side to meet Doumeki’s gaze.

“Gods, I hate you…” he only managed to say before burying his head on the crook of Doumeki’s shoulder

Doumeki once again just hummed in response. They just stayed like that for another whole minute before Watanuki spoke up first.

“We need to clean up,” he remarked. “We’re all…sticky. And gross.”

Doumeki chuckled. “It’s a nice feeling.”

“I said don’t be crass! How many times, Doumeki? How many times?!”

“Maybe two more times?”

Watanuki slapped him lightly on the chest, and then he pulled himself up to look at something from across the bed beside Doumeki. “We still have twenty-minutes before Takashi-kun comes from school. He’ll probably only stop by to get ready for his part-time job later tonight.”

“Right.” Doumeki was barely paying attention.

“So get your ass out of bed and help me clean up, won’t you?” Watanuki grabbed hold of a towel somewhere and threw it at him. "And cover yourself!"

Doumeki just closed his eyes and grunted.

“I’m serious!” Watanuki was already pushing him off.

“Only if you let me take a shower,” Doumeki rolled over, opening only one eye. Watanuki had put on his own towel around his waist. Too bad.

Watanuki growled now and kept pushing him. “Of course! You’re all filthy!”

“Only if you’re joining me in the shower,” Doumeki pushed against Watanuki and managed to steal a kiss on his nose.

“FINE!” Watanuki shouted now and successfully got Doumeki out of bed.

Watanuki almost slid back in bed because of the force he had to apply to get Doumeki off.

On the other hand, Doumeki just wrapped the towel loosely around him, uncaring what he is revealing or concealing in view. He then pulled Watanuki by the shoulders so they can both stand upright together. Before Watanuki could protest, Doumeki was kissing him again. When he tried to push him back down the bed, Watanuki tried to land a punch and Doumeki used his momentum to swing him around and hold him tightly by around his back. He bent down and nuzzled Watanuki’s nape.

“Doumeki, come on!”

“While we’re in the shower,” Doumeki began, “…can we go again?”

“What? What does that mean?”

Doumeki nipped at his ear gently. “You know what I mean.”

Watanuki was quiet for a while. And then he wrenched free and hurried to the door. He twisted the knob open, turned sharply at Doumeki and shouted:

“Well? What are you still standing around there for?” He huffed and then—just to be immature, apparently—stuck out his tongue.

Doumeki just grinned victoriously and followed the other boy out the room.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
>   
> 


	13. A Turning Tide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Is that how you hooked in Doumeki-san? Did you make him bento?”
> 
> "..!"
> 
> "..."
> 
> “Oh, shit! So I guessed it right? He made you bento?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise to pick up the pace in the next chapters.
> 
> A lot of things will happen from this point on that will test Watanuki and Doumeki's feelings for each other; events which will more or less be taken from the manga itself. This piece of fiction after all is what I imagined the Live-Action would have been if only it had gotten more episodes and DouWata became an official thing. 
> 
> I hope you will enjoy what comes after because I sure as hell am excited to write it!! :)

 

* * *

 

The shower took longer, as Doumeki probably expected, from the moment Watanuki agreed to give it another go. Having some experience on it already, Doumeki didn’t really think sex was that big of a deal. It was a good way to pass time when he tried it the first few times with girls he never saw again; but it was completely different doing it with someone he really cares about. It was way more intense and he doesn’t think he would be able to focus on anything else but Watanuki. He supposed they should have taken his mother’s advice more at heart because now it would be impossible from this point on not to get physical with the other boy if the opportunity is given. It’s probably for the best then that Doumeki was going to spend a few days away from school because of the archery tournament he’s participating in. That should cool them off until the next time they do something like this again.

For the most part, during the second time, Watanuki was just _unbelievable_. He was surprisingly more responsive and affectionate than Doumeki was led to believe, so the entire episode in the shower didn’t just become strictly a sexual thing. Sure, Watanuki never ceased calling him mean names here and there, but it has become a natural part of their foreplay by now. Besides, his insistent and lavish touches along with that intense look in his eyes express things that no words between them ever could. At first they were just kidding around, fighting over the loofah for a few minutes as they soaked each other with water. Jokingly, Doumeki asked Watanuki to wash him and the other boy started blushing and sputtering like crazy before he grabbed hold of the loofah, punctured in one last snarky comment, and then proceeded to attend to said task. Pretty soon they both got quiet and Doumeki felt as if the nerve endings on his body suddenly became live wires.

Next, Watanuki had Doumeki sit on the small stool so he can shampoo his hair. He did this in absolute silence as if it was something he had been doing for years now. Being taken care of like this by the other boy was something Doumeki had no qualms getting used to. For someone whom he originally thought was aloof and far too isolated from other people to be bothered by normal interactions, Watanuki is much warmer than Doumeki ever gave him credit for. He was also attentive and generous, always willing to serve people and do favors for them. He wasn’t only using himself and Himawari as points of reference for this; he had observed Watanuki during activities at school and a few times inside his class as well. He doesn’t have a group of friends he hangs out with in general, but everybody seemed to like him enough and had nothing but kind words to say about him.

Knowing now that Watanuki had a challenging childhood because of his mother’s sad passing, along with the fact that he still continues to endure the burden of paranormal hauntings and otherworldly creatures, Doumeki couldn’t help but feel a sense of admiration for the other boy. It would have been so easy for him to never function ever again after what he had been through, and yet here he is, working to find his way every day, and had grown willing to share himself to Doumeki intimately, and allowed himself to have a real friend for the first time. It filled Doumeki’s heart with something he couldn’t explain; something so immense in weight and quality.

These thoughts run through his mind as Watanuki was now washing off the shampoo and the soap from his person, and Doumeki couldn’t hide his smile from widening the entire time. Watanuki made no comment about it, but his cheeks are tinged with red, and he was probably too embarrassed to ask what Doumeki was thinking about. He wouldn’t tell him anyway, so when Watanuki knelt closer again as he poured more water around both of them, Doumeki leaned in for a kiss instead.

Watanuki jerked away a little. “Hey, come on. We just finished with that!”

“I thought you said we were going to—”

“Well, we’re both clean now so let’s not—”

Doumeki wrapped an arm around him and nuzzled on his neck, murmuring pleas which of course made Watanuki instantly cross with him. Still, the other boy didn’t pull away, and instead wrapped his own arm around Doumeki’s back to pull them both up. In standing positions, their height difference is a really annoying thing but the truth is Doumeki didn’t mind reaching out to scoop Watanuki in his arms most of the time, and Watanuki—though he would probably rather die than admit it to Doumeki’s face—seemed to enjoy looping his arms around his shoulders and wrenching him down with force so their mouths could meet.

Doumeki moved them to the nearby wall and used his other arm as protection on Watanuki’s back so he wouldn’t get hurt once they start thrusting against each other again. He then slid one leg to place it between Watanuki’s own, lifting it up so his knee touched Watanuki’s inner thigh until he found his hardness. The other boy aligned himself into a better angle as well, clinging onto Doumeki with hands plastered on his back. They quickly settled on a rhythm. For someone who was so adamant not to do this again, Watanuki was certainly enjoying himself a lot, squeezing Doumeki in the arm every time he wants to adjust angles, and commanding the pace of their dance altogether. Doumeki obeyed each of his demands because every time he got it right, Watanuki would either giggle in approval or let out a squeal in spite of himself.

Either of those reactions was surprisingly erotic for Doumeki, and he responded by kissing Watanuki with a fervor that could bruise. Watanuki would then tighten a hand around his nape each time he would do this, encouraging Doumeki to probe deeper and more desperately with his mouth and tongue. Watanuki would say something sometimes while their mouths are joined and Doumeki couldn’t exactly remember the words themselves but their desired effect would leave him panting and more eager to please Watanuki so that’s probably all that mattered. Halfway through, Doumeki led them back under the shower head. The water made it a little slippery, but the contact of their wet, flushed skin against one another heightened the experience tenfold, making it all the more satisfyingly steamy.

 

* * *

 

 

Almost half an hour later, they were finally dressed and settled in the kitchen, taking out the Tupperware of croquettes that Watanuki was going to cook. Doumeki had tried his best to make his long-sleeved shirt looked less crumpled as he sat on the table. It was distracting enough for Watanuki that he called him out and pointed at a closet where they keep the iron and board. Doumeki unbuttoned his shirt and switched on the iron, and then ran it across the surface of his clothing on the board.

The alluring scent of the food being cooked on the stove wafted across the room, tingling Doumeki’s senses. He glanced up once to look at Watanuki who was focused on the task and ignored everything else. He smirked at that and remarked, “So this is what a married life feels like. It’s pretty nice.”

He waited for Watanuki’s reaction. He only got a vague, non-committal smile in return so Doumeki kept talking, “If we did elope before, I think this is what it’ll probably be like when we start living together. We’ll divide the chores between us. I don’t mind doing the laundry and sweeping the rooms as long as you always cook.”

Watanuki just kept frying the croquettes. He barely glanced at Doumeki but there was still that wistful smile on his lips as if he was imagining the scenario as well.

After a while, Doumeki finished ironing his shirt. He returned the appliance and the board in its right place, and then put on his shirt just around the time Watanuki also placed the plate of croquettes on the dining table.  The kitchen was connected to the dining room but divided accordingly, but it was roomy enough to accommodate at least three to four people between them. As soon as Doumeki sat down, Watanuki casually stepped beside him, bent down and pecked him on the cheek.

“What was that for?” Doumeki lightly placed a hand on the spot where the kiss landed. He knew he was amused but he hoped he didn’t blush.

“I don’t know,” Watanuki shrugged his shoulders and smiled coyly in that boyish way he does. “Does everything I do for you always have to have a reason?”

“Guess not,” Doumeki chuckled and grinned widely.

Watanuki was grinning now too. “Go eat your croquettes or they’ll get cold.”

“Yes, honey.” Doumeki only replied as he picked one croquette with his chopsticks. “Thanks for the food and my lovely husband who prepared it,” he muttered before taking a huge bite on the croquette.

Watanuki sat on a chair from across him. “So how is it?”

Doumeki munched happily and only offered him a thumbs-up.

Satisfied with that reaction, Watanuki stood up again and went back to the counter. “Could you help me set up the table? Takashi-kun just texted. He said he’s only five minutes away. So don’t haggle all those croquettes!”

“This Takashi-kun is one of your guardian’s sons?” Doumeki approached the kitchen and started looking for the plates and utensils. Watanuki gestured at the cabinets below where they could be found.

“Yeah,” he answered Doumeki, “Both of Kano-san’s sons are in college, just two years apart from each other. Kano-san’s wife passed away when they were around my age. It was pretty recent. In fact, I think the only reason Kano-san adopted me was because it coincided with his wife’s passing. Just a few short days after she passed, Kano-san said he found me at one of the lounges inside the hospital. I remember I was there for a check-up. He said I’d been crying and giving the doctors a hard time. I tried to run but he caught me and instead of fighting him, he said…”

Watanuki paused, looking at Doumeki nervously at first before he continued, “he said I asked him to take me away. I hugged him tight and just kept begging him to do it. I…I really don’t remember that. But the hospital staff confirmed it when I asked about it before. Ah, it was so embarrassing! I was already thirteen at that point.”

Doumeki offered a sympathetic smile. “You were still coping from losing your mom, Kimihiro, so it’s okay to be sad and regardless of age, it’s okay to cry. You shouldn’t be ashamed of that especially justify yourself to me. If I was there, I wouldn’t have abandoned you either. I just wouldn’t.”

He noticed Watanuki stiffen a little upon hearing being called by his first name, and Doumeki didn’t actually realize he did that until Watanuki looked down on the table and started rubbing his cheek anxiously. Doumeki cleared his throat and was about to correct himself, to offer a little apology for having the gull to call Watanuki so personally without the necessary permission—

“Thanks,” Watanuki spoke up before he could. Looking up now, he fixed Doumeki with a shy yet meaningful smile, “Thank you, Shizuka.”

Doumeki would have dropped the croquette he was still holding between his chopsticks mid-air just so he could lunge to grab the other boy by the collar and steal his breath away with a kiss, but then the door knob turned loudly as it was unlocked from outside, and another person stepped into the condo.

“Kimihiro-san!” the voice called out, loud enough to be heard around the condo, as they heard a quick shuffle of shoes being kicked away. The guy in question walked closer and they could hear his footsteps nearing the dining room-kitchen as he asked, “Are you cooking already? Oh, thank the gods!”

Doumeki just started eating his croquette again as Watanuki stood up, almost too erect to for it to be natural, stuttering, “A-Ah, T-Takashi-san! I, uh, y-yes, I made some croquettes for us and uh, I-I have a—”

“A guest?” A head popped in first and then this Takashi person stepped completely into the dining room. He was wearing a gray collared shirt with white pants. A stack of three books were clamped under his arm. He unceremoniously placed them on the table and glanced between Watanuki and Doumeki, a small smile on his lips.

“Yes!” Watanuki was still a little panicky. “A-A f-friend!”

Takashi widened the smile but he still looked a little uncomfortable. “That’s nice,” he remarked, “This was the first time I met any of your friends, though.”

Watanuki still looked uneasy so Doumeki decided to pick up the slack and introduce himself. He pushed himself from his chair and stood up, saying, “I’m Shizuka Doumeki, Watanuki’s schoolmate. It’s very nice to meet you,” and then he dipped his body for a bow which was slightly lower than he would have had if it was any other stranger.  But this was Watanuki’s family so he felt it necessary to make a good first impression.

He heard Takashi-san chuckle, “I’m Takashi Kanozawa. Pleasure to meet you, Doumeki-san,” a pause, “So you’re not from the same class?”

Watanuki finally answered. “N-No. He’s from another section but we are from the same grade.”

“So how did you guys interact for the first time?” Takashi was already settling down the table and picking up his chopsticks. When neither of them answered him, Takashi just stared ahead while munching on his croquette.

“Well,” Watanuki began.

“P. E classes,” Doumeki finished for him. It was the truth. That was how he and Watanuki first interacted. Doumeki kept scoring goals on him during soccer while Watanuki was the goalie. Suffice to say, it wasn’t a smooth meeting. Watanuki kept glaring at him every time they pass by each other on the hallways after that. Now Doumeki could laugh about it and just find it cute, like most things about Watanuki. “We had a merged grade activity for an exam one time,” he explained.

Takashi nodded, seeing no need to question that story, as he took another bite of his food. “So are you staying for dinner, Doumeki-san?”

“He might,” Watanuki answered meekly.

Takashi finally paid more attention to the two boys. “Uh, you’re not just going to stare at me while I eat, right? Doumeki-san, you should sit back down already. And would you stop acting weird, both of you? You’re treating me like the adult of this house when I’m only a few years older than either of you.” He laughed at that.

The tension slowly decreased after that statement. Doumeki did sit back down and so did Watanuki. Takashi just continued eating and nodded at the two boys to do the same and make this first meeting less awkward for everybody. They obliged.

“By the way,” Watanuki spoke up after some time passed among the three of them, “I made cake for Kano-san later. For his birthday, you know.”

Takashi brightened up. “Oh? Isn’t that sweet?” He addressed Doumeki now, “If it isn’t obvious already, Watanuki is a fine aspiring chef.”

“Wh—what? Stop that, Takashi-san!”

Doumeki nodded, smiling back. “I know. He made me these croquettes because I told him once that they’re one of my favorites.”

“Really?” Takashi now narrowed his eyes, smiling at Watanuki this time. “Is that how you hooked in Doumeki-san? Did you make him bento?”

Watanuki blushed and said nothing. Neither did Doumeki.

“Oh shit,” Takashi almost choked on his food. He grabbed his glass of water and drank down. Afterwards, he added. “So I guessed it right? He made you bento?”

Doumeki tried to make the situation better by saying, “He didn’t make one at first. Originally, he made one for a close friend of mine, a girl—”

“ _There was a girl!”_ Takashi’s tone was scandalous when he said that, and he was nudging Watanuki with his elbow now. Watanuki recoiled from the contact and literally pushed his chair away from his stepbrother’s reaching distance.

“Watanuki loves to cook,” Takashi was explaining, “He’s loved it since he came to live with us. We’re all males and he was the only one who knows how to cook. And he looked like he enjoyed it so the three of us even got him to enrol in a few cooking classes. And it’s a great arrangement since we got to reap the rewards later!”

He turned to look at Watanuki with affection and pride. “Not bad for a kid who used to live off on fast food back when he was growing up!”

Doumeki’s eyes widened. Takashi must have noticed that because he then explained, “Well,” his voice sounded strained now, “it’s not by choice. I assume that he knows about your mother…?” he turned to Watanuki again who just nodded stiffly.

Doumeki did so as well. He then noticed Watanuki’s crestfallen expression instantly.

Takashi answered for him. “Well, she was very sick so she couldn’t…take care of him anymore as her condition worsened and she had to be hospitalized. It’s really depressing, and—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have opened this up. It’s not my place.”

“It’s okay,” Watanuki shook his head and gazed back at Takashi with a soft expression that tried to conceal its melancholy but failed in Doumeki’s eyes. “You only meant to…it’s okay. I didn’t mind. Doumeki knows enough about my mom.”

A stretch of silence followed. Doumeki wished he could take Watanuki in his arms and tuck him away where nothing will hurt him ever again.

Takashi broke the tension after a few seconds by asking, “So…” he poked Watanuki’s wrist. “There’s a girl, huh?”

“I’LL GO GET THE CAKE!” Watanuki colored deeply and boomed all of a sudden, almost knocking down the chair as he ran to the adjoining pantry.

Takashi just looked at Doumeki, still smiling. He gave Doumeki a wink and now it was Doumeki’s turn to blush and look away. As if to save him from further mortification, his cell phone chimed from his pocket. He took it out and looked at the screen.

The mail was from his mother. He opened it and read.

When Watanuki returned to the table, he looked glum as he presented the cake which he carried on a tray. Takashi whistled to show approval. “Wow, you even picked his favorite colors!”

Watanuki noticed Doumeki wasn’t paying attention so he asked. “What is it?”

“It’s my mom,” Doumeki answered, frowning a little. “She said she wanted me to come home now.”

“Did you tell her you’re with me?” Watanuki was frowning too.

“Yeah,” Doumeki rubbed his nape, looking ashamed. “She wasn’t mad or anything. She just said I can’t stay late here at your place.”

“It’s not that late,” Takashi offered and met Doumeki’s eye evenly. He seemed to have sensed that there was something off with this conversation.

“You should go if Kyoko-san wants you to go,” Watanuki simply said. He placed the cake down and didn’t look at Doumeki.

“Are you sure?” Doumeki tried to catch Watanuki’s gaze.

“Something the matter?” Takashi asked. “Is your mother strict or something?”

“A little,” Watanuki answered, almost too softly to hear.

Takashi blinked at that. It looked like he had a comment to offer but decided to keep his mouth shut. Instead, he addressed Watanuki, “Dad will be a little late than usual so maybe you should put away the cake inside the fridge first.”

“Yeah,” Watanuki was sulking. Doumeki knew him well enough to read his shifting moods. When he left the table to go back to the kitchen, Takashi faced Doumeki.

“I don’t mean to be blunt but,” he asked, lowering his voice, “Does your mother have a problem with Kimihiro-san?” He sounded worried when he asked that.

Doumeki shook his head. “She just doesn’t want me to get too distracted with other things. Finals are coming up after all, and I’m also a member of an athletic club.”

“Okay,” Takashi nodded, still looking unconvinced.

Doumeki decided to reveal, “She’s a single parent.” A pause. “I’m sure you can understand that.”

And Takashi’s gaze took on a different expression to something more sympathetic. Doumeki knew that would work, but he still felt cheap using that as an excuse to cover up for the real reason why his mother doesn’t want to spend that much time with Watanuki unsupervised. And she was exactly right that things will escalate between them. The worst part was Doumeki promised her he would never allow it.

“I’ll say goodbye to Watanuki,” Doumeki stood up, “Thanks for the company and for welcoming me into your home, Takashi-san.”

“Sure,” the older boy a conciliatory smile. “Good luck with exams. And I hope to see you around.”

“Yeah,” Doumeki looked across the kitchen where Watanuki was. “Me too.”

He walked to the entrance and put on his shoes. When he righted himself, he saw that Watanuki was waiting for him, just standing there with a grim expression.

“She’s not mad,” he reassured the other boy again.

“She should be,” Watanuki sounded hurt. “I mean, we did promise—”

“No regrets,” Doumeki took a step closer and pulled Watanuki away from view.

“Takashi-san is—”

“Too busy eating and won’t see us,” Doumeki whispered as he leaned down to kiss Watanuki. He was glad Watanuki didn’t protest further and simply looped his arms around his shoulders, deepening the kiss for them.

Suddenly, Watanuki’s cell vibrated from his pocket. Doumeki chuckled, remembering the innuendo he made last time and pecked Watanuki’s lips as the other boy reached for his phone and flipped it open.

It was from an unknown number and it simply said:

 

 

_Sorry to interrupt you boys_

_But I’m back!!!_

 

 

And then an icon of a two pints of beer being clinked together followed by an icon of fireworks was left at the end of the mail.

“Yuuko-san?” Doumeki asked although he knew the answer.

Watanuki let out a soft but irritated sigh. “What did she mean ‘you boys’?”

“Maybe she knows I’m here with you?”

“Dear gods,” Watanuki shut his eyes now. “That would have been fucking creepy.”

Doumeki frankly didn’t care. He kissed Watanuki again. To his surprise, Watanuki kissed back. It was a slow yet passionate one that made Doumeki’s stomach curl. It was the kind of kiss which made Doumeki feel as if Watanuki is sharing something more as his mouth explored Doumeki's; something that he regrettably could not say in words. It was heady, a little too suffocating. It burned right through everything.

But the moment was over too soon and he was pushing Doumeki away, “You should go home to Kyoko-san and tell her you’re sorry. That I’m sorry—”

“She doesn’t have to know,” Doumeki said.

“I don’t want you to lie to your mother!” Watanuki looked a little pissed.

“It’s not lying,” Doumeki reached out and brushed Watanuki’s bangs from his forehead, “And don’t get angry, please. I don’t want to end this night on that note.”

“Not angry,” Watanuki answered, pouting.

Doumeki was about to say something when Watanuki’s cell vibrated again. The other boy glanced at it briefly, rolled his eyes, and showed it to Doumeki.

 

 

_Go home to your mother, Doumeki._

_I need to speak to Watanuki alone, please._

 

 

“It’s official,” Doumeki said, “She’s fucking creepy.”

“Old news,” Watanuki simply replied. He gently pushed Doumeki to the door. “Go on then. I’m not angry at you. I just…” he sighed. “I don’t know.”

“I’ll mail you as soon as I get home,” Doumeki promised.

“When you do,” Watanuki looked at him with a hopeful expression. “Can we not talk about…our mothers? I mean, it’s just…” he closed his eyes, “…you know.”

“I do,” Doumeki touched him gently on the shoulder. He could feel his chest hurting because he wished he could say more, do more. The weight of that guilt is crushing him but he managed to say, “Whatever’s okay with you, Kimihiro. I’m game.”

Watanuki hummed and then bit on his lower lip, looking away. “Thanks.”

Then he squeezed Doumeki’s hand on his shoulder appreciatively as Watanuki held his gaze again with unexpected warmth.

“Thanks for everything, Shizuka.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Watanuki,_

_If I could I’d be there with you right now_

_I'd tell you face to face_

_That there are many things about you_

_That make me happy_

_And I don’t think I’ll feel this way about anyone again_

_Not even for a girl_

_Why are you saying things like that?_

_You’re scaring me._

_Because you know it’s true._

_Doumeki, what do you want?_

_What do you mean?_

_From this?_

_From ME?_

_I want to be with you._

_Because of the fooling around?_

_No._

_I want to be with you, Watanuki_

_In every kind of way,_

_However you want._

_Even if we don’t do that again?_

_Even then. I like talking to you._

_I like to get to know you more._

_There are still things we don’t tell each other._

_And I want to have more time so we can say them._

_If you want to take it slow, I don’t mind._

_I like that to._

_I like…talking._

_And the other stuff._

_Okay._

_******* _

_Hey let’s meet later before I go to the shop_

_Yuuko-san has an errand for me though so I can’t stay long_

_Anything I can help with?_

_I don’t know._

_She didn’t say._

_Well, if you need me_

_I’ll come to your errand too._

_Thanks. So see you tomorrow?_

_Yeah._

_Goodnight, duckie._

_Hey._

_Yeah?_

_Send me that hand icon again_

_And I’ll send you one right back_

_For what?_

_Because if it’s the last mail we send each other_

_It would be like we’re holding hands via icons_

_OH GOD FORGET IT_

_IT’S_ _STU_ _PID_

_No it’s not, Watanuki._

_Never think showing you like me is stupid._

_So…do you want to do the icons then?_

_I would like that very much._

_Okay._

_You first?_

**(‘’’) ***

**(‘’’) ***

 

* * *

 


	14. Gut Instincts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I know she must be missing you already.”
> 
> "Yeah? How can you be so sure?”
> 
> “Because I haven’t even left yet and I already miss you."

* * *

 

Watanuki had a handful of things to do in the next two days, and Doumeki helped him come up with a list of its generalities. He dragged Watanuki to a secluded corner, all the while ignoring the shorter boy’s half-hearted protestations of right conduct and decency. Nobody really passes around this part of the hallway so Doumeki pecked Watanuki quickly on the lips, before he presented said list with a wide grin as if he was so proud of it. Watanuki took it, frowning petulantly as he did. Two things struck him about it: One, Doumeki had used three different colors of gel pen (green, blue and goddamn pink); and two, his penmanship was actually pretty nice.

But then his eyes scrolled down on the items. The infuriating list went:

  * **Be the best boyfriend to your boyfriend**
  * **Make boyfriend a big lunch before he leaves for tournament**
  * **Make out with boyfriend before he leaves for tournament**



Watanuki barely got to the next five more items on the list before he threw it at Doumeki’s face. The thin piece of paper was uncooperative though, so there was no impact to his hissy fit at all. The other boy just chuckled and picked it up, handing it back to Watanuki who was still livid and fuming from the embarrassment.

Being with Doumeki in general is an unpleasant combination of high-strung moments and ridiculous displays of juvenile behavior—plus the nice parts like the kissing and…the sex. UGH! Watanuki punched Doumeki on the chest so he could hide that he was thinking about that, and lifted the piece of paper to cover his face.

So, okay, fine, those last two made were acceptable (he was perfectly happy to touch and be touched—what teenager with raging hormone wouldn’t be?) but such things had also clouded Watanuki’s judgment of sensible things. Yeah, that was it. Also, he wouldn’t endure standing in front of the other boy right now if it wasn’t for his pesky… _feelings_ for Doumeki. These feelings tell Watanuki that he wants to be with him all the time and murder him by kissing him until he chokes due to lack of air.

And how dare he impose this multi-colored, impressively written yet aggravating immature list of demands? AND deem himself as Watanuki’s boyfriend?! When did he agree to that? They never had a real discussion about the status of their relationship! Sure, they joked about eloping and settling in with a domestic life together—but Watanuki did not agree to that scenario either! Thinking about that now suddenly made Watanuki imagine himself making home-cooked meals for the two of them every day, and how Doumeki would come home every night, wearing a business suit or something formal and sexy like that—

_Gods, focus, Watanuki! You’re mad at him!_

He read through the next items of the list. Each one was a punch to the gut.

  * **Text boyfriend every day to tell him how much you miss him**
  * **Text boyfriend every night to tell him how much you want him**
  * **Text boyfriend about any sex dream that you may have about him**
  * **Text boyfriend about your daily activities and make sure they are as detailed as possible** (especially if there is a sex dream involved)



“Goddammit, Doumeki! Is this going to be all about your spoiled ass?!” Watanuki grumbled, his cheeks flushed, as he tried to fight a smile that is trying to break though. Why is this making him happy? Doumeki is such a pervert! Well, he’s funny and unabashed when it comes to expressing how much he likes Watanuki, and that’s sort of endearing— _no! no, Watanuki, be mad at him!_ He kept reading some more, still complaining the entire time as he did, “And what are you, some rock star? Maybe _I_ should make _you_ a list on how to be less of a jackass next time!”

Doumeki was just grinning at him. His eyes held so much warmth and affection that Watanuki was ready to cave and fulfill each of his stupid requests as written. Damn him. He kept reading, hoping to distract himself long enough to come up with something to gain back the upper hand here when—

His eyes landed on the last bulleted item on the list.

  * **Talk to Kunogi again**



Well, that certainly dampened things. The thought of Himawari has been making him sad lately which was why Watanuki tried not to ponder about it so much. He slowly looked back at Doumeki’s face. He bit his lower lip, suddenly nervous. Sensing his apprehension, the other boy placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, squeezing it with reassurance. “I know you’re still worried about her. And it’s been almost two weeks. I think maybe she’ll be ready to talk about it by now, right?”

“Did—did you ask her about it?” Watanuki frowned deeply and found himself edging closer to the taller boy, his forehead almost touching Doumeki’s chest as he looked down and felt a rush of guilt for no explainable reason at all.

Doumeki replied softly as he easily wrapped an arm around his back. “Not really. I think she wants to talk to you and not me, though.”

“How can you say that?” Watanuki looked up at him. “You were her friend first.”

“I won’t be around in the next three days or so,” Doumeki answered, as his other hand brushed the bangs away from Watanuki’s forehead. “So, it’s all up to you now. Besides, Kunogi is really fond of you and I know she must be missing you already.”

“Yeah?” Watanuki was still unconvinced. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because,” Doumeki broke into a familiar smile, “I haven’t even left yet and I already miss you. Just standing here and thinking about not seeing you in the next few days is already making me wish I could come home to you soon.”

“You dumb sap…” Watanuki smiled back in spite of himself, unable to deny that his stomach just did a violent flip upon hearing the other boy say such things.

_Can’t stay mad at him. He’s just too…too…_

Why can’t he ever find the right words to convey the magnitude of feelings he has for Shizuka Doumeki? It was easy to sometimes find him annoying, intrusive and pervy—but once he does take things seriously between them, Watanuki can’t come up with the right expression that would capture this light-headedness, this tightening on his chest, and the almost aching desire to  hold and be held by him.

Fuck.

What could it be? Why is it so persistent and present every time he’s this close to the other boy and Doumeki is staring down at him like he’s something precious…

Watanuki looked to the side and smiled more sheepishly now as he asked, “So do you want to start crossing items off your stupid list?”

“Sure. Which one?”

“How about…” Watanuki snaked his arms around the taller boy and pulled him down. “Item three?” he offered coyly.

Doumeki chuckled, his eyes brightening at the prospect as he leaned close to kiss him. Watanuki was smiling too, and titled his chin up willingly and tiptoed just a bit to get the angle just right. Doumeki followed him as Watanuki stepped backward until his spine made contact with the wall behind him. Doumeki cupped his face now, deepening the kiss, as Watanuki gripped him by the forearms and let out an appreciative moan. He pulled away only so he could whisper to Doumeki, “This…I’m going to miss _this_ the most.”

He gave Doumeki small repetitive pecks on the lips again which he knew the other boy enjoyed because it very much drove him crazy.

“And I’ll miss _that_ , duckie…” came his out-of-breath response.

“Stop calling me that…” Watanuki didn’t really mean it. “Gods, you are the worst—”

Everything else around them blurred for Watanuki and all he could focus on was the sensation and taste of the other boy around him, as his strong arms encircled him and almost lifted him up. By instinct, Watanuki wrapped both legs around Doumeki’s hips and allowed this kind of compromising position to last for a few minutes before he panicked and pushed Doumeki off so he could stand on ground again.

“Come on!” Watanuki wiped his face, and fixed his skewed glasses in place. His neck was hot and he knew his cheeks were also bright red. “We’re still at school!”

“But you liked it,” Doumeki simply remarked, smiling like he discovered some forbidden knowledge. He tried to tickle Watanuki but Watanuki swatted his hands away and they ended up half-wrestling each other out of the secluded corner until a bunch of boys from another grade saw them and started cheering. They immediately disentangled, but Doumeki took it more in a stride and claimed he won that round aloud. He was met with some applause from said boys. Being a little bit of a sore loser, Watanuki tried to reach out and ruffle Doumeki’s hair but he was so fucking tall and had quicker reflexes. Doumeki ended up ruffling _his_ hair instead.

They calmed down after awhile as they walked in the more crowded hallway, bumping arms against each other as they do. Watanuki was sorely tempted to wind his fingers around Doumeki’s, and did not understand why he would even want to risk exposing them in public like that. It made him feel queasy and very unsettled.

It’s only supposed to be a little bit of infatuation. A harmless crush.

Doumeki patted him in a friendly manner as they separated so they could go to their respective classrooms. Watanuki waved as the other boy turned around to head to the opposite direction. He, on the other hand, stood there for several seconds, lost in contemplation and the agony that these pesky feelings making his head feel light and his chest so tight might become something of an inconvenience and a bother.

“Huh,” he muttered to himself as he watched Doumeki go.

And then he smiled.

 

 

* * *

 

Work at the wish shop that late afternoon was surprisingly… _nice_.

He spent an hour cleaning the place and doing inventory again. He was accompanied by Maro and Moro during these duties, and they were more helpful than usual. Both girls were more fun to be with than the last time he remembered. Now Watanuki never really hang around children that much, even as a child, since he always kept to himself, but something has changed—and the noticeable shift in mood and camaraderie among the three of them was a welcome surprise.

Yuuko-san was also acting differently around him. She seemed almost personable and not just dismissively teasing Watanuki about the most random things which would often render him feeling belittled and made fun of. She knew the older woman was never unkind, but she always struck him as detached and secretive, who would rather gaze at Watanuki openly in contemplation when he would pretend he doesn’t notice her. This time when their eyes meet, she would offer a small smile. It was a little disturbing still, but Watanuki had no problem returning it.

Finally, she spoke up, extending an elegant hand toward him. “May I borrow that thing in your pocket for a second, part-timer?”

“Eh?” Watanuki’s own hand immediately went at his slacks. He realized what he might have been referring to. His eyes narrowed in caution. “Why...?”

“Just give it here,” she leaned in close and unceremoniously buried her hand into his pocket and he had to squirm from the shocking physical contact. She successfully pulled it out, however. Watanuki could only stare, jaw dropping open.

“So pretty,” she remarked, probably commenting on the stupid blue, green and goddamn pink gel pens that Doumeki used.

“Wait—!”

Yuuko-san was suddenly writing something herself on the paper.

That can’t be good.

“Here you go, part-timer!” she said, far too cheerily to his liking.

Watanuki tentatively reached out for it and glanced down to read:

  * **Be Yuuko’s obedient part-timer/personal chef/overall slave**



“Just a reminder, in case you forget~”

Watanuki could feel his mouth opening and closing but no words came out at all.

Finally, he uttered, “THE FUCK—!” and instantly covered his mouth with one hand.

_Shit!_

Yuuko-san’s expression was neutral. And then she smiled. Creepily. It was unacceptably calm. She stretched her smooth legs further across the sofa, exposing a peek of her thighs. With her palm resting on her cheek as her elbow slid languidly for a more comfortable positioning, she gazed up at Watanuki with that smile still intact.

“Now,” she spoke up. “How should I punish you for cursing at your boss, hmmm?”

“FORGIVE ME, YUUKO-SAN!”

Yuuko’s eyes narrowed and her smile widened, almost like a malicious sneer.

“Six bottles of the finest sake from my collection,” she began.

“O-okay…”

“Banners and streamers from the nearby store,” she added.

“…hah?”

“And a huge cake.”

“HAAAH?!”

Yuuko-san covered her mouth with a hand in a gesture of feminine subservience. An outsider might perceive so, but not Watanuki.

Maro and Moro were clasping each other by the hand as they danced around Watanuki who was stuck standing there, mouth agape like a fool. They repeated Yuuko-san’s demands in singsong unison.

“Should I write them down again in your list?” Yuuko-san offered, her tone teasing and grating. “In case you forget?”

Watanuki squeezed his eyes shut and exhaled. “No…I’ll remember.”

“You are after all going to make Doumeki-kun lunch again before he leaves for tomorrow, am I correct? Might as well buy my stuff along the way as well, yes?”

“Yes…” Watanuki grumbled.

“So thoughtful, my part-timer,” Yuuko-san regarded him with a renewed mocking smile that was almost affectionate if it wasn’t so damn patronizing. “And Doumeki-kun is truly favored by the gods to have such a consistent sweetheart.”

“I,” Watanuki gritted his teeth, “—am—not—his—sweetheart!”

Yuuko-san tsk, tsk, tsked at that. “Words have power,” she simply said afterwards.

Watanuki doesn’t want to listen to her opinion anymore but he stayed glued in place anyway, watching her curiously. She slid further into the sofa and lit up her pipe. She took a hit and blew it gently through the ceiling.

“The power to deny or claim, deceive or set things right…”

Watanuki was going to respond but then Yuuko-san turned her head almost sharply at him and continued. “Be careful how you use your words. Choose which ones you should never say and which ones you must express…” she cocked her head the side, “…most importantly; learn to deal and live with the impact or damage they may cause once you have put them out there.”

Watanuki’s breath hitched. Sometimes—just once—he wished she could be more straightforward with him and stop being this cryptic!

Suddenly, Yuuko-san was standing, “And please be careful…”

As she closed the distance between them, she placed a tender finger across his lips. “…because more often than not, what you say here…” and then using her pipe, she directed it to his chest, tapping it gently, “…doesn’t always correspond with what is truly inside here.” Yuuko-san’s expression softened. “Please, Watanuki…”

She leaned in close, their foreheads almost touching, “…be very, very careful.”

“I know,” Watanuki jerked away, feeling a sudden rush of fear and panic. “Besides, I’ve seen what lies could do to someone. I’ve seen it kill that lady before—the one who keeps spinning tales about herself that are false.”

Thinking about that late customer almost made Watanuki sick to his stomach. Not sure of what else to do, he folded the list and pocketed it back nervously.

“That’s an extreme example,” Yuuko-san explained. “But you see, that bad habit—before it had worsened—usually stems from something so simple and subtle that it is easy to dismiss it. Be aware of yourself, Watanuki. Do not make that mistake.”

“I understand,” but he sounded unsure. He bit down his lower lip. “So…can I leave to buy those stuff you wanted?” He sounded a little too hopeful when he said it.

Yuuko-san stared at him blankly for a few seconds. And then she puffed her pipe and waved at him to give him permission to leave. He took it, too eager to get out of there that he didn’t even care to disguise the urgency of his steps as he started walking away. He slid the doors open and didn’t bother closing them. He couldn’t breathe all of a sudden. Watanuki shoved his feet inside his shoes and picked up his wallet from his bag. He made his way outside the shop.

As he walked, never daring himself to look back and just continue moving forward, he started thinking about what Yuuko-san said. And then he thought about Himawari. That made him slow down for a few seconds. Doumeki was adamant that he should talk to her. But what could he say right now? And what could she possibly tell him?

_Words have power._

_Be careful how you use your words._

 

* * *

 


	15. Changing Lanes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My feelings for you…are more than…just for a friend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Happy birthday, Kimihiro Watanuki!~** Here's the live-action Watanuki for y'all!
> 
>  
> 
>   
> 

* * *

 

 

The student council meeting for the afternoon lasted for nearly two hours, and Himawari Kunogi took down the minutes of the meeting diligently. The vice-president kindly asked her for a finalized copy by tomorrow, and she was only happy to comply, deciding she should head back home and start typing down her notes for a more pristine and presentable copy. She bid her schoolmates a warm goodbye and then began heading downstairs, thinking about the other obligations at home that were waiting for her to be accomplished as well.

“Himawari-chan!”

As soon as Himawari recognized the voice, she slowed down her pace but it was still hurried and urgent enough to give an impression that she can’t be bothered with conversation. Still, Watanuki caught up to her and walked by her side.

“I was hoping we can talk,” he said. Himawari barely looked at him.

After a few more seconds passed, she responded with a neutral tone, “I’m really sorry, Watanuki-kun but I have some important things to do today and—”

Watanuki cut her off, “I could accompany you and help out, if you’d like.”

Himawari visibly frowned but she shrugged her shoulders as she replied. “That really wouldn’t be necessary, Watanuki-kun. I don’t want to be a bother.”

Suddenly, he puts a hand around her forearm, squeezing it gently. “Himawari-chan,” he beseeched, “Can we please…can we just—please, Himawari-chan, let’s talk.”

Himawari stopped abruptly so she can turn to him, just so she can politely acknowledge his presence without further engaging with his absurd requests. She was about to open her mouth but then she saw that concerned, almost painfully caring expression in the boy’s eyes again that she was rendered mute on the spot. She forgot what she wanted to say; what she had to say so she will be left alone. Watanuki’s hand was still on her forearm, too warm and real for comfort. She was tempted to shrink away from both his gaze and touch, but did not dare move at all.

“Himawari-chan,” Watanuki spoke her name softly and it chilled her. “Please?”

She blinked at him, choosing her words carefully as she answered, “There’s nothing to say, Watanuki-kun. I’ve been doing better. My issues at home have been solved. That’s all you need to know.”

Himawari was about to start walking again, ignoring his clutch and those heartbreaking eyes but then he placed another hand on her shoulder this time, forcing her to stay and keep looking at him. It was just so awful.

“I’m very glad to hear that, Himawari-chan,” he beamed a little at her, perhaps to show that he remained very supportive of her struggles even if he couldn’t be there for her while it was happening. The sight of his smile and the realization accompanying it were enough to tighten her chest due to an almost suffocating guilt.

“Thank you,” she replied blankly.

“I just…I want to talk to you, Himawari-chan,” he offered. “I’m…your friend. And I want…I want to spend time with you again.”

Himawari shook her head and tried to smile even if it felt wrong in her face. “That’s understandable. But I think you’ve been doing just fine on your own. Well—” she gripped her handbag tighter, “—you and Doumeki-kun are certainly keeping each other company, are you not?”

She didn’t mean anything by it, and yet Watanuki’s cheeks flushed before he suddenly turned pale because of whatever implication she may have had with that innocent statement. Himawari was instantly puzzled but squashed away her curiosity before they got the best of her.

“I…” Watanuki trailed off, looking unsure.

She took that as her cue for exit. “Well then, goodbye, Watanuki-kun—”

“I miss you!” he raised his voice as he said it, enough for anyone within earshot to hear it. It was now Himawari’s turn to go pale. She almost looked around them, afraid somebody may be watching this scene unfold.

“Watanuki-kun—”

“It’s been almost two weeks since we last spoke and I know you’ve been avoiding me on purpose, and I just want to understand why.”

“It’s not—”

“You and I, we’ve been through enough, don’t you think?” He was squeezing her shoulder now but it was still gentle. “And I just want you to know—I think we both deserve better. We deserve…a friend who’s honest with us when it’s especially difficult to do; a friend who doesn’t give up on us just because we think we want them to…” he looked into her eyes deeply as he said it.

Himawari’s lower lip quivered but she maintained her calmness. “I don’t think you should say things—”

“I only ever wanted to be that kind of friend for you,” he interjected. “And I know it seems selfish but I want you to be that kind of friend to me.”

Himawari shook her head, closing her eyes. “And what if I don’t want to be friends?”

When she opened her eyes, she saw the saddest expression in Watanuki’s face, and she was almost tempted to take it all back. She didn’t.

“Do you really mean that, Himawari-chan?”

She had thought about it, long before she decided to cut off their communication. It was around the aftermath of the Jorougumo’s attack, to be honest. She knew how much things had changed and how they have gotten scarier for her. Himawari knew she wasn’t brave enough then to accept that her feelings for Watanuki have blossomed into something she felt the need to kill before it got out of hand.

But perhaps she could be brave for him now.

“What if,” she spoke up slowly, “…I don’t _only_ want to be friends with you?”

Watanuki blinked at her. He said nothing.

Himawari tried again, swallowing the lump in her throat. “I feel…very connected to you, Watanuki-kun, in a way that I can’t even shake off, even when I know that I might endanger your life by just being near me like this. Believe me, I tried.” She shut her eyes again. “I tried really hard. I really did.”

And then she tore herself away from him and began to run off.

“Wait!” Watanuki caught up and held her by the arm as they stopped by a corner beside the janitor’s closet. She didn’t turn to him. She just couldn’t face him.

“Is that why you tried to end things with me out of nowhere?” he sounded exasperated, almost demanding a quick answer from her.

She didn’t say anything anymore.

“Himawari-chan,” he stepped closer and into her space further so he can look at her face as she refused to meet his eyes the entire time. “Please talk to me.”

She just shook her head. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t the way she wanted it to go. She wasn’t supposed to reveal to him how she felt. Himawari made a solemn vow weeks ago that she will never tell him.

“I care about you,” he still kept talking. “There’s no reason in the world that’s going to make you push me away for good—”

And she kissed him. It was a light pressure of lips against lips with an uncertain intent.

It was the easiest thing to do…

…until it wasn’t.

When she pulled away, she challenged him, “Even for that reason?”

Watanuki’s eyes darkened for a moment. Himawari was about to say something else when he suddenly cupped her cheeks with both his hands, and she found herself stepping closer to him, daring to limit their distance for good. But Watanuki just held her and looked at her with an unreadable gaze. She held her breath for him, wondering what he was thinking right now and what he will do next. She was hurting everywhere, and the deafening silence between them was making it worse.

The response came sooner than she thought. Watanuki leaned down and pressed their lips together again and this time she kissed back just as eagerly. Her arms looped around his neck, and he bent down a little to provide her with better purchase. And then he was pulling away, leaving her emptier and more confused than ever. His kiss was stupefying; its brevity echoed and stung.

“I’m sorry,” he meekly offered, barely moving away an inch from where they are standing close together. Slowly, he lowered his hands from her face and took one step back. And another. “I—” he swallowed, “—I shouldn’t have done that.”

Himawari would like to say that it was okay, that she wasn’t angry, that she had been dreaming of this moment for a long time, but something about this entire ordeal felt wrong and cheap, and she couldn’t figure it out. When she looked at Watanuki cowering away as if all of this had been one grand fucking mistake, Himawari understood then that she was the one to blame for starting it. So she merely nodded, acquiescing to his excuse as she answered, “Then let’s not do it again.”

“Himawari-chan—”

“I’m sorry too, Watanuki-kun,” Himawari interjected as she bowed slightly. “I should have been more honest. I should have told you the real reason I was pulling away. It was unfair when you thought there was real friendship between us. But now, as you can see,” she looked him in the eye, “—you have been sadly mistaken. This…is no way to treat a friend, is it?”

Watanuki’s gaze hardened and he reached out for her just in time as she was about to start walking out on him again.

“Stop it!” he said, his tone harsh. “Stop putting words in my mouth and making excuses for the both of us because, first of all, I very much disagree about everything you just said!”

She didn’t know what to say to that so she just stayed where she was and listened.

“I just…” Watanuki sighed before he went on, “I just want to talk things over and fix this, Himawari-chan. And you’re not even trying. Why can’t you just help me make things better between us? I already told you I care about you.”

Himawari shook her head. “I don’t want you to.”

“Tough luck,” he answered. “I already do. Nothing’s going to change that.”

Himawari wasn’t going to cry. “But! But I just—!”

“It’s okay,” he gripped her by both shoulders now and turned her to face him again. “It wasn’t…we were both just caught up in the moment and…” he sighed, “we rushed into things without really understanding what we were getting into…”

“Then,” she asked, “Should we…figure it out together?”

Watanuki blinked at her. “What are you suggesting?”

“I don’t know,” she answered truthfully. “But I don’t want to believe…that this has all been a mistake, Watanuki-kun. I…also care about you. In fact, I think—”

She couldn’t say it. She shouldn’t say it.

“Himawari-chan?” Watanuki said her name softly, as in prayer.

She sighed, hoping the constriction in her chest will go away. She looked at him and muttered under her breath, “…I think I—I think I like you, Watanuki-kun.”

Watanuki breathed out as well and then replied, “I’ve always liked you, Himawari-chan. I have for a while. And I think I still do.”

She was relieved to hear him say it, but she need to confirm what he truly meant. “My feelings for you…are more than…just for a friend.”

A second passed. And another.

“Mine as well,” he spoke softly, “…are more than friendly, Himawari-chan.”

She finally looked up at him, unable to believe that he was really saying it. Suddenly she was beginning to believe that all the pain and suffering she had been subjecting herself to these last few weeks were pointless all this time. It was only due to her own stubborn refusal to acknowledge that Watanuki could have been feeling the same way for her that got both of them into this mess. Himawari should have just been honest and told him right from that start, and neither of them would have had to prolong the agony like this. Perhaps they would have been together already.

 _Together,_ she thought blissfully, _Watanuki-kun and I…together._

Himawari was going to reach out and touch him, and maybe hope that he would kiss her again to confirm and wash away all her fears and doubts but…

…Watanuki looked at her with the same sad expression from earlier—if not even more so—as if the revelation and confession didn’t alleviate anything for him at all. It looked like he was burdened with them, and it frightened Himawari as to why.

She couldn’t ask him. She just openly stared at him, her pulse racing.

“I’m sorry,” he responded at last, trying to smile but she could tell he was simply forcing it. “I need…I need more time to think about this, Himawari-chan.”

She nodded stiffly, her chest so numb that she could not even feel her heartbeat anymore. “I understand. It’s perfectly reasonable.”

Watanuki was stepping away again until the distance between them has gotten so big that it looked insurmountable from her end, but Himawari wasn’t going to cry.

“I suppose you really have to do some important things today,” he said, “So I won’t get in your away. But…but we will talk again soon, okay?”

“Yes,” Himawari smiled but it made her mouth feel like it wasn’t her own.  Nevertheless, she now tried to sound casual after what they had just gone through. “Tomorrow, at lunch? I’ve really missed your bento, Watanuki-kun.”

“Okay,” he simply answered, nodding once. “I’ll make you one again for tomorrow. See you,” and then he just turned away and started walking off.

Himawari stayed stuck on the same spot, however.

She wasn’t going to cry.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Watanuki had no idea how he managed to even stop by the shop after that. All he wanted to do after his confrontation with Himawari was to go home, collapse on his bed, and empty out all the contents of his mind through sleep. But instead, he found himself leaning against one of the walls that comprised the entrance of the shop. He didn’t even get to go inside. He was stuck there, glancing at the screen of his phone.

_How did it go? What did she say?_

He had read Doumeki’s mail for the zillionth time for a few minutes now and he still couldn’t come up with a decent reply.

How exactly do you tell the boy you like that you just admitted to the girl you also like that you have feelings for her?

How exactly do you convey to the boy you like that you kissed the said girl in question and left things open between the two of you because you really didn’t want to reject her?

How do you explain that? How could you let the boy you like understand that maybe you had rushed into things with him without thinking about the consequences or who gets hurt in the process? That you desired to be with him so much that it made you neglect your feelings for the other one; for this girl who was so precious to you and who has been suffering in the sidelines?

Because now, Watanuki does know for sure that he still cared that deeply about Himawari Kunogi. And she had pushed him away for the same reason. She pushed him so far away that Watanuki ended up falling into Doumeki’s ready arms.

Why does this have to be so complicated? Why did Watanuki allow himself to like two people at the same time—two people he only wanted to be friends with until he didn’t? He felt such a selfish bastard right now; to want to them both like this and to be so overcome with the crippling mixture of guilt, trepidation and fear because of his indecision. Watanuki closed his eyes and gripped his phone tightly.

_How could you do this to Doumeki?_

_How could you do this to Himawari-chan?_

_YOU ASSHOLE!_

Letting out a frustrated growl, he was going to throw his phone away when he heard a very kind and warm voice speaking to him.

“Hello there,” it said. “Is everything okay with you, young man?”

Watanuki almost jumped back in shock, completely caught off-guard by that amiable voice coming from the side. He blinked rapidly, adjusting his sight.

After he has sufficiently recovered from the unexpected presence, he realized that the woman who stood in front of him was a lovely sight. She wore a simple and traditional cream-colored kimono with designs of cherry blossoms tastefully scattered around it. Her dark brown hair was worn in a tight bun, exposing the clarity and beauty of her face. She looked to be in her mid-thirties (perhaps close to Yuuko-san’s age), and she spoke with such grace and elegance that it rendered Watanuki silent for a whole minute as she talked to him.

“I hope I wasn’t being intrusive or rude, young man,” she said, “But I happened to be walking by when I heard you. You sounded distressed and so I came over here to see if there was anything I could do to help.”

Watanuki shook his head fervently.

“Oh, that’s a relief!” she beamed at him. Her smile had all kinds of warmth to it. Watanuki could only stare.

She glanced behind him briefly and remarked, “What a gorgeous house! Is this where you live, young man?”

Watanuki finally found his voice. “N-No, ma’am…it’s not my house.”

She smiled at him again, “No need to be so nervous,” she waved a dismissive hand at him, chuckling. She paused before she asked again, looking at the place curiously, “So if this isn’t your house…then what exactly is it? It looks so prestigious.”

“I, uh, work here,” was Watanuki’s dumb reply.

“Oh? What sort of business establishment is it, if you don’t mind me asking, young man?” she cocked her head to the side, her hand hovering in front of her mouth.

Watanuki felt uncomfortable and rubbed his nape. “It’s sort of…hard to explain.”

Who is this woman? How come she could see the wish shop? She didn’t strike him as another customer. If she was, she would have immediately found herself walking inside. But instead, she’s just here talking to Watanuki, leisurely taking her time doing it. He felt a small blush creeping up to his cheeks.

“That’s fine,” she must have sensed his discomfort. “You don’t have to explain yourself to a stranger.”

As if on instinct, Watanuki suddenly introduced himself.

The woman now laughed heartily. He noticed the way her eyes crinkled as she did, revealing her age even though the rest of her face bore smooth freshness. And there was something distinctly familiar about her…

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Watanuki-san,” she bowed her head, “I’m Ayame. It’s fine to just simply address me that.”

Watanuki smirked shyly. “Oh, okay,” he cleared his throat. “It’s nice to meet you too, Ayame-san. And thank you for expressing some concern for me earlier. You really shouldn’t have bothered.”

Ayame-san waved her hand dismissively at him again, still smiling. “Oh, Watanuki-san, it wasn’t a bother at all. You looked as if you were struggling with something and I would be heartless not to inquire about it. I suppose I would have let courtesy get in the way and mind my own business but…”

As she paused, she looked deeply into his eyes, and her next smile radiated with meaning and kindness he had never experienced before in his life.

“I could tell from the moment I laid my eyes on you that you are such a good boy…” she remarked.

Watanuki smiled broadly now, his cheeks flushed as he could feel his pulse race. “U-Uh, n-no. I-I mean, th-thank you, A-Ayame-san…”

Ridiculous. He shouldn’t be stuttering like that!

She chuckled again. “It was really nice to meet you, Watanuki-san.”

Watanuki nodded, still blushing. “You too, Ayame-san.”

She stood there for another minute, just gazing at him. Watanuki was inclined to gaze back and smile. After what seemed like forever, he asked. “Would you…like to come in and have some tea?”

“Oh, that’s okay,” Ayame-san shook her head. “I really must be going.”

“Where to?” Watanuki scolded himself inwardly for asking.

But Ayame-san didn’t seem to mind. “I was just going to visit my favorite park.” A pause. “Would you like to accompany me?”

Watanuki was shocked by the straightforward invitation. But he did, after all, just invite her inside someone else’s property to have tea.

He looked down on his feet. “Well…if you would like me to, I guess.”

“I don’t want you to feel as if I was forcing you, though.”

“No, not at all!” He jerked his head up and waved both hands frantically before him.

She laughed again. “You’re such an amusing young man, Watanuki-san.”

He was chuckling now. When he did, a sudden surge of warmth and giddiness came over him, and he couldn’t explain it. It was enough to make him forget about his troubles earlier. He gazed back into Ayame-san’s calming dark eyes and felt instantly relieved and at peace. Suddenly nothing else seemed to matter but this moment.

“Then,” he asked gently, still holding her gaze. “Shall we go?”

Ayame-san blinked at first, as if she wasn’t really expecting him to accept her offer. But she recovered fast and smiled at his eagerness. “Yes, Watanuki-san. Follow me.”

 

* * *

 


	16. Limbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s not an accident. It’s a choice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys miss me? I'm back from my hiatus and will be updating my two ongoing xxxHoLic fics starting with this one. Things are about to get a little dreadful from this point in the story. But not to worry, it's not in the same league as my depressing _Snapshots_ , though. But still--prepare yourselves all the same.

* * *

 

 

 

They walked together to the park with a rather surprising ease, and Watanuki didn’t feel as awkward as he hoped while he initiated the conversation with the kindly older woman first. Ayame-san is so well-mannered and generous of her time that Watanuki should feel like he was imposing by accompanying her, considering he was a perfect stranger, but she seemed genuinely pleased to have him walk her. It was odd; Watanuki could recall that he was distressed about something just moments ago, but with the change of scenery and present company, he couldn’t even remember what he was so troubled about with in the first place. Everything else doesn’t seem to matter nearly as much as the prospect of getting to know Ayame-san. There was a feeling of strange familiarity about her that Watanuki just couldn’t shake off.

“Don’t you have club after school hours?” she asked him with a gentle smile, “I hope I’m not keeping you from anything important, Watanuki-san.”

“No, nothing like that,” he smiled back at her. He made sure that his steps matched hers as they walked side by side. “I’m not a member of any club in my school, but I do have a part-time job at the store you spotted me standing outside in.”

“Oh no,” Ayame-san frowned a little, and that expression doesn’t suit her well at all, and you feel terrible for being the reason for it. “Then I am keeping you from something important after all! My apologies. Perhaps we should head back?”

Watanuki was adamant. “No, it’s fine. Like I said, I don’t really have anything that pressing or important right now—heck, even during most days. My work at that store—it’s a part-time thing for a reason.” He shook his head. “I don’t really feel like getting down to the details, but let’s just say I don’t get nearly compensated enough for my work, and sometimes I’d wonder why I even bother in the first place.”

Ayame-san blinked at him, holding her peace for a few seconds before she chuckled and replied, “Forgive me, but you strike me as the kind of young man who would rather be doing something more worthwhile than your current predicament. If you’re truly unhappy of your situation, I’m sure you can decide on something else once you put your mind to it.” She paused walking and smiled wider at him.

Watanuki stopped on his tracks as well. “I guess you’re right, Ayame-san. But I wouldn’t say I’m completely unhappy. I mean, I like the woman who owns the store well enough. She can be a little challenging and fickle at times but…I do have help. There are two sisters who work in her store as well. They’re younger than me by a few years, but are fun to be around with.”

She brightened up with that new information. “Oh, is that so? I’m very glad to hear that you have made friends in your workplace. It’s always so important to enjoy one’s self and not take things too seriously. After all, you are far too young to be troubled by life. I think Watanuki-san should take it easy, if he doesn’t mind me saying…” she looked off as her cheeks slightly colored.

Now Watanuki was blushing himself. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands anymore except wave them frantically in front of her. “Please don’t worry about my well-being so much, Ayame-san! I’m totally not worth that!”

“Oh, my. I’m crossing some boundaries again. Forgive me!”

“Not at all!” Watanuki controlled the loudness of his voice even though he was panicking inside for inexplicable reasons, but just the thought of upsetting the older woman because of something he said makes him rather uncomfortable. “I think Ayame-san is an absolute saint for expressing concern on my behalf! Really, Ayame-san, you should even waste your time doing that!”

“Why not?” she peered at him curiously. “Aside from the fact that we are strangers, I think it’s normal for a woman my age to be curious and worried about a young man’s concerns. I do apologize if it’s coming off intrusive. It’s understandable, however.”  
  
Watanuki doesn’t feel that way at all. He doesn’t find her intrusive. In fact, he likes that Ayame-san is concerned about him. They may be strangers but Watanuki has never felt this…instantly _close_ with anyone before. It’s really bizarre—yet so _nice_.

“And please,” she added. “Don’t call me a saint. That’s too much!”

She started laughing, covering her mouth with the sleeve of her kimono. Watanuki was laughing as well, albeit self-consciously. He rubbed the back of his head.

“We’re already here,” Ayame-san announced after they resumed walking and reached the park in question. It was rather secluded and empty. Watanuki looked around for a while to see if there was anyone present but only the sounds of the howling wind and rustling leaves could be heard. He glanced back at the older woman who has found a seat in a swing set that looked like it hadn’t been used in a long time. Watanuki excused himself and took a seat next to her, staring at his hands and wondering why he was trembling a little bit.

The anxiety washed away quickly, however, when Ayame-san was speaking to him once more. “I hope this wouldn’t be so boring for you, Watanuki-san. I know it doesn’t look much, but…this place is rather special for me.”

“Is it?” He met her gaze with open curiosity. “Do you come here often then?”

“Yes,” she nodded with a smile. “This park used to be filled with a small gathering of families. Children would play here as their parents watched. It’s such a marvellous sight, really. It’s…too bad that most of those families have moved away, and the neighbourhood itself doesn’t feel like maintaining this park for their use anymore.”

“That is disheartening to hear,” Watanuki looked across the abandoned playground some more and started to move his swing just a little as he adjusted his position. “I’ve never even been here before, to be honest. I didn’t even know it exists.”

“Some places are like that,” Ayame-san looked down on the ground as she held her hands together on her lap. “As well as some people. They go on existing as the rest of the world would pass them by…”

“Ayame-san?” Watanuki tried to capture her gaze but she wouldn’t look at him anymore. He swallowed a lump in his throat and tried again. “But at least you kept coming here. Maybe…maybe you know some people in the neighbourhood?”

“Oh, I doubt they’d even remember me after all this time.”

“I can’t imagine anyone would forget someone like you so easily,” Watanuki let out a chuckle as he felt his cheeks growing hot once more.

Ayame-san was taken aback by that comment herself and stared at Watanuki for a few seconds with wide, uncomprehending eyes. But then she recovered and smiled very sweetly at him afterwards. “You are such a nice young man, Watanuki-san. I knew it from the moment I first laid eyes on you.”

“Stop that…” Watanuki muttered sheepishly as he looked down.

“I’m sorry, but it’s true. You are such a good boy, Watanuki-san.” Ayame-san was laughing again. The sound lingered in the dreadful silence of the park, and Watanuki felt as if he wanted to freeze this moment with her for a while longer.

The thought was terrifying.

“I think you should head back to your work at the store,” Ayame-san was saying all of a sudden. “It’s been nice, don’t get me wrong. But part-time or not, you should give your best and perform your tasks with dedication. Don’t you think?”

Once again, Watanuki felt embarrassed. He let out a sigh of resignation first before he replied “You’re right, Ayame-san. I don’t want Yuuko-san to think like I’m escaping my duties or anything like that. I wouldn’t dream of it!”

“Good for you, Watanuki-san!”

“But, uh,” Watanuki tried to speak slower so he wouldn’t mess up his words as he added, “this was…I had a nice time with you, Ayame-san. I really did. It was great that you stopped by earlier and asked me how I am. No one…no one has ever done something like that for me, at least not in the way that you had…”

“I see,” she nodded once and smiled just as shyly as Watanuki had.

“And I guess—well, what I’m trying to say is—” he gulped down. “I-If it w-wouldn’t be too much of a—a bother, that is…maybe—?”

“What is it?” she peered at him as her eyebrows knit together in confusion.

“I would like to…see you again, Ayame-san.” Watanuki wanted to cover his face and turn away but willed himself to act braver and more mature than that. “I certainly hope I’m not being too forward or presumptuous right now by asking you something so impolite. It’s perfectly fine if you say ‘no’. In fact, I expect you to...”

Ayame-san was quiet for a short moment and in that span of seconds Watanuki felt like he would start choking on his own shame and burgeoning regret. But then the older woman reached out both hands towards his—pass the chains of the swing—and took them easily, giving them a warm squeeze. Watanuki could only blink at that gesture before his gaze fell back on hers. He couldn’t breathe well all of a sudden.

“Why would you even say something like that?” Ayame-san frowned just a little bit as she spoke, “Of course I won’t say ‘no’ to that invitation, Watanuki-san. How could I possibly do that? I should feel grateful that you would desire my company. I’m sure you have more important things you would rather do than entertain this old lady.”

“No!” Watanuki’s forceful rejection of the idea that anything could be more important than Ayame-san was surprising. But when he squeezed her hands back he just knew in an instant that he was doing the right thing. “If that is indeed the case then I wouldn’t mind cancelling on other things if it meant keeping you company!”

Ayame-san was taken aback but she didn’t say anything. She merely smiled quietly and tightened her grip on his hands. He responded back just as eagerly.

“Watanuki-san…” she muttered as she met his gaze, “…is such a good boy. He really is. But I don’t want him to put his life on hold on my behalf. I’m fine if you just visit me here in the park every now and then. It doesn’t have to be a big thing.”

“Well, however you want it, that’s how it’s going to be.” Watanuki answered in an earnest tone. “I can come back for you here tomorrow in the soonest way possible. I promise you that, Ayame-san!”

She laughed. What he wouldn’t give to hear that laugh over and over from now on…

“You’re so kind to me, Watanuki-san.”

“And so are you, Ayame-san.” Watanuki held her hands for a few more seconds before they were ready enough to let each other ago. Untangling his fingers from hers has left empty spaces in his hands he wasn’t even aware existed until that moment. He looked at his hands in desperate contemplation before her voice cut through the haze of his murky thoughts.

“Let’s see each other again,” she remarked. When he looked at her face, her cheeks were flushed and she looked even lovelier and happier than the first time he started talking to her. Has it really been just fifteen minutes ago?

“Yes, let’s do that,” Watanuki answered with every bit of eagerness that she deserved to hear from him. “I would like that very much indeed, Ayame-san.”

 

* * *

 

 

Watanuki came back to the store and cooked a hefty bulk of dinner for Yuuko-san and the girls. He did the same thing for Kano-san and his sons an hour or so later. During either of those times, he couldn’t really remember if they tried to engage him in a conversation or not, or whether or not he responded back. He couldn’t be sure he was even present mentally the entire time he was with them because he was still preoccupied about the shared moment he just had with Ayame-san that afternoon. It was the only thing he dwelt upon for the rest of the night.

That was until he started thinking about the two people who are equally to blame for his misery right now.

Doumeki kept mailing him. He scrolled at the messages they’ve exchanged for the past hour, and found nothing valuable or relevant about them at all. Watanuki read his responses and have a distinct, weird feeling that he wasn’t even the one replying back to Doumeki at all. It was as if there was another person in the room with him who was talking to Doumeki, while he himself was busy thinking about what he would say or do tomorrow when he visits Ayame-san. He should definitely get up an extra hour early the next day so he can make a box of bento for her. Watanuki has always taken some pride about his culinary skills, and Ayame-san deserved to experience what he does best, which was why he was putting on his jacket right now to shop at the last-minute before the grocery store closes an hour from now. There was still enough time to buy new ingredients. He also has a few new recipes he feels like trying and thinks that Ayame-san would like.

He ended up buying a significant amount of groceries than he intended, depleting most of his allowance. Watanuki already started planning dishes for the rest of the week, both for Yuuko-san and his household—but most importantly for Ayame-san.

While he was writing them all down in a notebook, Watanuki also briefly wondered if he should make Himawari bento for tomorrow. Would it seem like an invitation to something more? He stopped writing for a second to ponder more about his feelings concerning the girl. He knew he still adored Himawari. His chest still makes that funny tightening sensation when he thinks about seeing her again and talking to her about things that were left unspoken between them yesterday. The very thought of kissing her again has made his stomach flip once more, and if he wasn’t already sitting down on his desk, his knees would have already buckled underneath him.

As if fate was taunting him, his phone buzzed with another mail from Doumeki.

Watanuki glanced at the bright screen of his phone and stared at it for a few seconds before deciding to ignore it altogether. It’s pretty late by now. He should let Doumeki think that he was already sleeping. Besides, Doumeki could surely use the rest himself. He’s not on vacation or anything. He’s attending a sports tournament. Watanuki grabbed his phone and decided that he should just text the damn guy and scold him for staying up so late. He certainly wouldn’t be the cause of Doumeki slacking off and becoming irresponsible. What a pain in the ass.

But before he could press any of the keys, he realized he doesn’t feel like giving too much of a damn tonight. He’s just so exhausted! Ayame-san was the only bright spot earlier today. Everything else doesn’t even compare. Does he really have to talk to Doumeki? What if he asked about Himawari again? Watanuki didn’t exactly give him a definitive answer to his text about said girl hours ago. Would Doumeki think something was amiss? Would he readily conclude that Watanuki cheated on him; that something _physical_ transpired between Himawari and Watanuki?

And would it really be considered cheating? Doumeki knew how Watanuki felt about Himawari long before the two of them started fooling around by accident. Besides, they never said they were exclusive…or ‘dating’, or in fact a real couple. They had joked about eloping and living in domestic bliss a few times, but it’s not as if they were being a hundred percent serious about it. It’s just guys teasing each other, right? Doumeki is still foremost a friend of his, and friends get intimate—granted not in a sexual way. But still! Maybe he and Doumeki should have stayed friends, really. It would have been less complicated if he just pursued Himawari in the first place, and prioritized his feelings for her rather than allow his own strange attachment to Doumeki to grow and evolve into something—something _distracting_.

Watanuki was getting irritated now the more he thought about their unfair set-up.

It’s also worth mentioning that Doumeki was the one who told him to settle things with Himawari. In a way, Watanuki had done that. But it wouldn’t be a surprise if the issue—the feelings—between them wasn’t clearly resolved. After all, Himawari meant a lot to him, and he had been unable to show her just how much lately, and it’s mainly because she has her own insecurities to deal with so she pulled away. Other than that, it was also because of Doumeki—this guy who kept hoarding Watanuki to himself, and kept making him feel appreciated and valued and loved—

Watanuki ended up throwing his phone on the bed where the impact was thankfully softened by the cushion. He sighed deeply and rubbed his eyes with his fists as he took off his glasses. He picked up the phone again and placed it back on the desk, deciding after all not to talk to Doumeki anymore—at least until he talked to Himawari again. And what would he say to her tomorrow exactly? Should he ask her out on an official date? The possibility wasn’t as exciting as he thought it would be. In fact, he was slightly upset about it. The apprehension might as well become the death of him. Almost angrily, he tore the blankets from his bed and got underneath them. He reached out to pull the plug from the lamp on his desk before he sank further into the cushion and squeezed his eyes tightly.

He tried to forget about Doumeki and Himawari for now, and it only worked once he thought about Ayame-san in their stead. He dreamt about her kind, lovely face—the way she looked at him as if he was worthy of her attention—and the way those eyes would light up as she smiled at him. Watanuki remembered how her hands felt inside his most of all—how they filled the spaces between his fingers in a way he could only compare back to when he was just a child, and his mother made everything feel safe and okay even when it’s not.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Himawari was already waiting for him in their usual spot at the third floor’s staircase. Watanuki watched her from a distance for a whole minute first. He watched the way her pigtails swayed as the wind passed through them. He watched the slight curve of her back, and the visible portion of her nape that the collar of her uniform was unable to cover. From where he stood, she looked like a complete stranger, and not someone whom he longed to get to know deeper and hopefully turn that into something more. A pool of dread started flooding the pit of Watanuki’s stomach, but he willed himself to start walking and finally approach her. 

“Good afternoon, Himawari-chan,” he ended up greeting her first as he leaned down with his hand on the rail. “How are you today?”

Himawari beamed at him but it quickly dimmed. “Just fine, I guess. Science was particularly difficult earlier though. I could barely keep up with the lecture.”

“That doesn’t sound like you at all,” Watanuki cautiously took a seat next to her on one of the landings. “I would think that a consistently hard-working and top-notch student like yourself was able to cope better than the rest of us.”

“I wish!” Himawari allowed herself to smile although there’s clearly a touch of awkwardness to it. “But I’m afraid I just wasn’t feeling myself today…”

“Neither do I,” Watanuki confessed as he stared down at the bento boxes on his lap. He waited for a few seconds before he renewed his smile and said, “By the way, I made us some lunch. It has been quite some time since we ate together after all.”

“That’s great!” she beamed at him. “I can’t wait to enjoy your cooking again, Watanuki-kun! I’ve missed it a lot!”

Somehow, everything looks less convincing with her after everything they’ve been through. Her smiles feel more forced than usual, and his ready acceptance of their deception was just a poor compensation to establish any kind of connection with her. Perhaps Watanuki and Himawari knew too much about each other at this point to even pretend that some things could stay safe and innocent between them. Perhaps they would rather believe that is the case because the alternative is scarier; more dangerous than their unspoken feelings, and more permanent than the inevitable agony that would come from them.

They ate in silence for three minutes or so. Himawari only spoke up to compliment him with his food preparation, and Watanuki replied as enthusiastically as he could. Afterwards, Himawari finally turned around to face him completely before she put the unfinished bento box to the side so she can speak to him more directly.

“About yesterday,” she began and then paused. You waited.

“I’m really sorry for springing it on you like that,” she added, examining her hands as she talked. “But the fact remains. I don’t regret it. I wanted you to know how I truly felt about you. And now I had.”

Watanuki only managed to nod stiffly.

“And I know it’s stupid.”

“It’s not.”

Himawari shook her head. “Let me finish, please.”

Watanuki only sighed. “Okay, go ahead.”

“I say that I know it’s stupid because…with my curse,” she took a deep breath before she said, “It can’t possibly work out in the long run. It might even be doomed from the start. And you should know that I’m not saying this because I’m merely expressing self-pity. We both know that my…affliction could physically put you in danger. And it had a few times in the past, Watanuki-kun…”

Himawari sought his gaze with pleading eyes and Watanuki tried to smile to reassure her that it doesn’t bother him at all—but it does. He would be a hypocrite if he denies that there was a part of him that is scared of her, and the things she would never intend to do to him, but they would happen anyway because they were simply beyond either of their control. Watanuki attracts bad spirits and Himawari brings bad things with her. In paper and in real life, whatever relationship that could transpire between them will never and should never work.

And yet—

“I care about you,” he answered her in a resolute voice. “I will never stop caring about you just because the universe tells me I shouldn’t, Himawari-chan.”

“Me too,” she replied, eyes watering. She turned away to wipe them quickly. Himawari faced him again with a more genuine smile this time. “You’re important to me, Watanuki-kun. Your friendship…the time we’ve spent…your willingness to stick around even after everything—I feel so grateful.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” he replied. “Things have gotten so complicated these days, though.” He paused, ruminating quickly on what had happened over the previous weeks and found that he regretted little about them. He and Doumeki had become close. It’s hard to deny that the bond they shared was valuable to him to. But if the price of having more of those days with Doumeki would also mean the continued absence of Himawari in his life…

Watanuki tried not to think about it. He considered both so important to him that having to choose one over the other—

If he had to make that choice then maybe…maybe he owed it to himself and to the both of them to have a more informed decision. That meant he has to see what this thing with Himawari will lead to. He has to know.

“You know,” Watanuki said, feeling nervous once more. “This is probably going to end up really badly but…maybe we can still try anyway. We could just—take it slow for a while and just see what happens, you know.”

“No pressure whatsoever,” she nodded in agreement.

They sat there just looking at each other for a long time. It was both so awful and so nice to finally be honest even when it’s the most painful thing to do. It was as if there can be no more secrets between them from this point.

Except that there was still one.

But Watanuki forced himself not to care about it right now as he leaned in and pressed his lips against Himawari’s. He needed this. He needed for her to know that he will not just abandon her because fate demands that they can never be together. And Himawari felt the same way because she responded back eagerly to him while she cupped his cheek for purchase before pulling away first so she can stare into his eyes. It was as if she was looking for any reassurance that this chance they were taking together outweighed the risks. And Watanuki just smiled at her which was all the answer she needed before she kissed him again.

This time it burned. It lingered. And it felt so right.

He knew eventually he will have to tell Himawari about Doumeki, as much as he should tell Doumeki about Himawari. There are two more days left before Doumeki comes back from his tournament, and Watanuki needs to plan accordingly then. He needed to end things with Doumeki properly first before he could begin anew with Himawari, and he hoped she would still want to be with him even if Watanuki would admit to her his… _indiscretion_ with Doumeki. Perhaps it’s best to tell them together. It’d be grueling and impossibly stressful but honesty is the only way to solve this. But to end things with Doumeki...?

His chest suddenly feels tighter than before.

 _I’m so sorry, Doumeki_...

This was the single, stray thought that crossed Watanuki’s mind as he held Himawari closer.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Ayame-san was sitting in one of the benches of the park this time. When Watanuki saw her, he quickly rushed toward her and offered to bring her a blanket so she wouldn’t get her kimono dirty, but the older woman just laughed and dismissed the idea. Watanuki insisted that she wouldn’t be imposing at all but Ayame-san was undeterred. She merely gestured at the empty spot next to her.

“Well, I worry because it’s such nice-looking kimono to begin with, Ayame-san.”

“It’s perfectly fine,” she smiled. “But thank you for the concern. Please…” she gestured at the spot again. “Unless…you don’t want to get your pants dirty—”

But Watanuki was already sitting down. “If Ayame-san doesn’t mind the dirt, then why should I?” He grinned at her now.

Ayame-san blushed and chuckled at his comment. “I suppose we both just have to endure, don’t we?”

“Yes,” Watanuki nodded. “At least this way we’d get matching stains…”

“Watanuki-san is so amusing and random,” she chuckled into the sleeve of her kimono again. Watanuki turned away as his cheeks burned.

“N-No, I’m not!” he shot back but with less fervor than he wanted. And then he remembered that he was carrying the heavy bento he made for the two of them. He happily lifted it to his lap in spite of its bulk. He relished the way the older woman’s eyes widened at the sight of it.

“Look what I made for you, Ayame-san!” he beamed at her. “I should mention that I like to cook, and not to brag or anything but I’m actually pretty good at it!”

“Oh my,” Ayame-san covered her mouth with her sleeve as she looked on while he opened the bento to show her what he hoped are appetizing contents. “Did you really make this for me, Watanuki-san?”

“Yes!” he was pleased that she seemed rather pleased about what she was looking at. Watanuki had put more effort to this bento than Himawari and the breakfast meals for his adoptive family combined. He was very proud of it.

“That’s amazing! You are full of surprises, Watanuki-san. I wasn’t expecting you to bother making something for me. And you shouldn’t have…”

“It’s not a big deal at all,” Watanuki reassured her. “I wanted to do something nice for you because you helped a lot yesterday when you approached me and started talking to me. I wouldn’t give you the boring details but the short summary of it was that I was pretty depressed when you found me.”

“I understand. Thank you so much for your hard work,” she merely answered and he was grateful that she didn’t press on with the issue he just disclosed.

Ayame-san couldn’t hide how truly impressed she was and it made Watanuki blush furiously in spite of himself. Almost sheepishly, she asked him, “May I…?”

“Of course, of course…” Watanuki handed her a pair of chopsticks and watched as she picked a portion from the bento. She carefully placed one of the pork slices in her mouth and chewed rather slowly with one hand hovering on her mouth the entire time as her eyes were half-closed.

And then she gave a start, grinning widely at Watanuki this time. “My goodness, that was really delicious, Watanuki-san! You’re already a talented chef for your age.”

“Don’t say it like that, Ayame-san!” Watanuki muttered under his breath as he tried to stop blushing but couldn’t. “I’m sure you had better…”

Ayame-san shook her head and added, “Please don’t belittle your efforts and hard work to produce such an astounding meal, Watanuki-san. I’d be very crossed with you if you start doing that. I want you to know that what you have here…” she gestured at the rest of the contents in the bento, “…is something that I appreciate very much. You really shouldn’t have done this and yet you have. And for that, you have my eternal gratitude, young man.”

She put a hand on top of Watanuki’s. He can’t stop grinning like an idiot this time.

They shared the bento together for the next five minutes. Ayame-san would pause every now and then to tell him more about the old neighborhood she grew up in, and the names of some of the children who played at this park. She could remember looking out for a few when the parents couldn’t come. She told Watanuki that she used to volunteer herself as a chaperone for these children. Hearing about it was no surprise to him at all because Ayame-san does struck him as a nurturing caretaker so it’s no leap of the imagination to picture her surrounded by children under sunny skies, tending to their needs with gentle words matching her kind smile.

“Watanuki-san,” she called his attention after some time while he was putting away the finished bento inside the wrapping.

“What is it?”

“I hope you don’t mind me asking you this time,” she began, “but I’m rather worried about the predicament I found you in yesterday. You do look as if you’re having some tough times, but I didn’t want to force you talk about it then. Well, I’m not forcing you to talk about it now either…” she paused briefly so Watanuki could turn and meet her gaze, “…but I want you to know that if you’re ready to discuss it, I’m more than happy to listen.”

“I wouldn’t want to burden Ayame-san, though…”

“My dear boy,” she widened her smile. “It would be no burden at all.”

Watanuki sat back down the bench, gathering his taciturn thoughts to himself at first. He glimpsed at the older woman beside him who was the perfect portrait of patience. He felt instantly bad with the prospect of unloading his problems on her but there was just something so readily accessible about this stranger’s kindness that makes him unable to resist her offering of listening to his disclosure. Some part of him knew she would never judge or criticize him. He barely knew her but he could tell she would accept him—even the grimy parts. He just has to tell her.

And that’s exactly what Watanuki did. He explained things as succinctly as he could even though talking about his issue with Doumeki and Himawari at hand meant opening the can of worms whose mess he was not prepared to clean up just yet. Ayame-san just nodded every now and then and pursed her lips as she listened to everything. Finally, Watanuki paused long enough to signal her that he has completed his piece.

A minute passed before Watanuki announced, “I’m a terrible person.”

“No, you’re not.” Ayame-san simply answered him.

“But I am!” Watanuki shook his head violently and then looked back at her. “All this time—I think maybe I was just stringing Doumeki along because it was easier to do it—to indulge in the fantasy and experiment of…I don’t know!”

Ayame-san said nothing though her expression remained sympathetic.

“I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, honestly,” Watanuki went on. “Maybe I was just lonely and he was just there for me all the time. He made me feel good about myself for the first time and…what sucks is that I know I care about him _a lot_. But now I’m about to hurt him in the most asshole way possible—” he stopped himself when he realized he just cursed, but the older woman merely shook her head to dismiss it and urged him to keep going. So he did.

“I wish I don’t have to hurt Doumeki, but I know that’s what’s going to happen once I tell him that I want to get together romantically with his childhood friend—of all people!”

Watanuki paused, exasperated, as he pressed his face into his hands to cool his head off. He breathed in and out for a while before he was able to look at Ayame-san again. “I just think I owe it to myself to figure out things with her by now because Himawari is someone I’ve wanted to be with for a long time. She came first, Ayame-san. I liked her long before I started liking Doumeki.”

“So you think you should be with her because your feelings for her came first?” Ayame-san finally spoke up, shocking him with such a straightforward question.

He couldn’t think of an answer at all.

She asked again. “Do you feel obligated to see things through with this Himawari girl _first_ because you think she has made an unspoken reservation in your heart?”

“What?” He knew his reply was lame, but he doesn’t understand how he could hope to answer her questions at all.

But instead of explaining the logic and intention of her earlier questions, Ayame-san asked him another one: “How do you really feel about Doumeki?”

The question sounded simple enough. And the answer—

The truth is that Watanuki had been afraid to scratch the surface of his feelings for Doumeki. Even when he and Doumeki touched each other with great abandon, and shared intimate secrets and kisses between them; even when he wanted to reach out sometimes and hold the other boy’s hand just for the hell of it—he was still careful not to fall down any deeper into that rabbit-hole, knowing that he may never claim some way of escape out of it.

“All I know,” he finally answered, “…is that I wasn’t supposed to like him.”

Ayame-san smiled now. It softened her expression again as she asked him, “Is that why you have been so conflicted about everything? Because you ended up falling for a boy you thought you shouldn’t have?”

“Falling for—” Watanuki was just thinking about the weird metaphor of the rabbit-hole he used earlier, and now even Ayame-san was reinforcing that idea?

Before he could react, she was reaching out to squeeze his hand. The contact was comforting and he easily relaxed in her grasp.

“Listen,” she said. “I didn’t mean to upset you, Watanuki-san. I’m just trying to figure out how you got yourself so entangled. If you don’t mind me saying—“ she gently placed her other hand under his chin to make him look at her. “—I believe that you created these justifications about Doumeki and how you truly felt about him because it was easier for you to diminish the intimacy you had with him if you believe it had all been an accident. It’s…simpler to dismiss it as such.”

Watanuki nodded and squeezed her hand back.

“But my dear boy,” Ayame-san smiled rather sadly now, “It’s not an accident. It’s a choice.”

Watanuki could feel his eyes blur with tears.

“It wasn’t an accident that you decided to open up to him. It wasn’t an accident that you found yourself in his arms one day after being so lost for so long…” she cupped his face with both hands now. “My sweet, sweet, damaged boy…”

She wiped his tears with her thumbs before they could even fall as she whispered, “Don’t you see? Everything that led you to this moment, and everything in between which had come to pass is all because of a series of choices that you made.”

He closed his eyes, unable to speak. Suddenly, he felt his head being pulled down slowly to meet the supple warmth of lips being pressed against his forehead. Watanuki finally opened his eyes again, and blearily stared at the older woman before him whose smile made the hollow spot of his chest twinge.

“What do I do now?” he asked her in the softest of tones.

“What you’ve always done, Watanuki-san,” she answered him as she pets his hair affectionately. “You make a choice. But this time you don’t do it blindly.”

She lowered her hands to his and enclosed them together.  “Or alone for that matter,” Ayame-san reassured him.

As Watanuki stared at the pair of clasped hands between them—cherishing the heat and strength of their shared touch—he knew now more than ever that she was right.

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn't obvious by now: the answer is YES, Ayame-san (the name I chose was based from Arisprite's _[The Doumeki Family Storybook](http://archiveofourown.org/series/309951)_ , btw) is the anonymous spirit woman in canon whom Watanuki developed a brief maternal relationship with. And since this is an alternate canon based on the live-action series, I feel like bringing Ayame-san into the fold especially in relation to LA Watanuki's mommy issues. She will have a more pronounced role to play since she's basically advising Watanuki more helpfully than LA Yuuko has been able to do so far, so tensions will be created not just with DouWata + Himawari, but also with Watanuki and Yuuko who have yet to forge closer ties with each other. Who knows? Maybe this is the one that will force Yuuko to get more personally involved with Watanuki as a mentor..


	17. Hauntings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t break. You haven’t done so before, and you’re not about to start now. I need you to be strong...”

* * *

 

 

 

“Is there something we can help you with, Watanuki?” Maro leaned closer to the counter as she watched him prepare the ramen closely. Moro was on the other side with the same level of concentration as if he was disabling a bomb all this time as oppose to making their mistress some food. Watanuki can’t help but giggle at their eagerness. It’s rather cute and distracting.

Both of the girls have been more attached to him than usual, staying close by as he went about his chores at the shop. They also keep looking at him in the sidelines with a touch concern in their expressions, but Watanuki brushed it off. Obviously, there was nothing to be worried about. He actually felt better than usual. Well, aside from the ongoing dilemma regarding the obvious, that is. Ayame-san, however, assured him that they could talk about his situation again later this afternoon after school. She had been so devoted and understanding to him that Watanuki can’t find any more new ways to show how much he was grateful for her time.

And that was why he had to finish preparing breakfast for Yuuko-san so he won’t be late going to school. He doesn’t want this day to go bad, not when Ayame-san would be waiting for him once it’s all over. He’ll be counting the hours until he sees her.

“Really though,” Watanuki muttered under his breath, “Who would demand to eat ramen for breakfast, anyway? That woman…” he gritted his teeth but decided that he was far too along with preparing the dish itself to be complaining now.

“Part-timer~” he could hear his boss calling him from her lounge. “Where is my ramen and sake~”

“Ramen and sake!” the girls cheered along, finally climbing down the counter so they could hold each other’s hands and dance around in a circle, chanting the phrase over and over. Watanuki rolled his eyes but was able to focus on his task as long as he ignored everything else. Pretty soon he was able to bring Yuuko-san her requested meal and drink. He walked the hallway leading to her room while the girls trailed along, still chanting ‘ramen and sake’ like a song.

The woman in question was stretched across the sofa, fanning herself. She was wearing her loose kimono inappropriately once more, exposing her lean, smooth legs which were well-tanned. She opened one eye to look at Watanuki enter, and then she literally sank to the ground (which even this she was able to do gracefully), and crawled to where Watanuki laid the tray with her ramen and three bottles of sake. Watanuki can’t hide his dismay for her unhealthy lifestyle.

“You know, Yuuko-san,” Watanuki remarked. “It’s none of my business but you really should try drinking less alcohol in the mornings.”

“You’re right,” Yuuko-san snapped at him. “It’s not your business, part-timer.”

Watanuki would have opened his mouth to argue with her out in the open because he never liked how rude and dismissive she could get, regardless if she was older and his boss. But he realized it would be pointless. He has learned to accept at this point that he and Yuuko-san simply can’t have that kind of close relationship. Everything with her had been nothing but one tense moment after another. There was a time back when he and Yoshima-san talked about in therapy that Watanuki wondered if could try befriending her outside of work. After all, she is one of the few people who knew about his supernatural affliction. But now…

He could never just bring himself to trust Yuuko-san about anything, clairvoyant benefactor or not. Just the very fact that she could see through his future was frustrating enough because he also got the feeling that she somewhat felt entitled to give him vaguely phrased advices that were supposed to sound wise and mysterious—who the hell does she think she is anyway? Watanuki’s expression soured some more, and surprisingly enough Yuuko-san noticed. That in itself is not really unusual. What was unusual was that she mentioned it aloud.

“You seem rather displeased about something, part-timer.”

There. She was talking to him again in that same callous manner she does like he wasn’t really anyone worth addressing. She was simply making an observation when she mentioned his mood, and not because she cared about what brought upon said mood. Watanuki didn’t feel like he needed to justify himself to her so he simply scoffed and replied, “If that is all, Yuuko-san, then I’m afraid I have to leave for school now.” He was going to say that she had already kept him for long in the shop this morning, and now he might have to start running. But he still had to maintain a veil of courtesy. She was still his boss and superior after all.

“I don’t need anything anymore but—”

Watanuki interjected, unable to help himself. “If that is the case, then I wish you a good day, Yuuko-san. I really have to go.”

He met her gaze. She was watching him with a serene and neutral disposition, much like always. She had been so gratingly difficult to figure out and to get through whenever she’s like this, but Watanuki realized he doesn’t care anymore. Yuuko-san can keep her distance as much as she wanted.  _I don’t need her._

Yuuko-san was merely twirling the noodles in her chopsticks now, as if she was still waiting for Watanuki to say something else.

_I have Ayame-san now._

With another scoff, Watanuki turned around and opened the sliding doors. “I’ll see my way out. See you whenever, Yuuko-san.”

Maro and Moro quipped before he could leave and shut the doors behind him. “What? But Watanuki!”

“Aren’t you going to work later at the shop?” Moro clung into his arm.

He softened his expression towards them. “Maybe I’d be a little late.”

“Really?” the girls looked rather heartbroken about it. He felt bad, so he looked at Yuuko-san this time, wondering if she would reprimand him and ask him to put in more hours because he can’t be slacking off without giving her a good reason.

But Yuuko-san just shrugged her shoulders like she couldn’t be bothered about his sudden change in behavior. “Feel free to skip work altogether if that’s what you want, part-timer.”

Watanuki can’t help but clench his fists. “You heard your mistress,” he managed to speak softly to the girls even though his annoyance was palpable. “But I promise that tomorrow I’ll come around again. You guys can help me in the kitchen too. Would you like that?” He smiled at them.

The girls looked happy enough. Watanuki sighed, relieved. He stepped out of the lounge, not bothering to address Yuuko-san again as he closed the sliding doors for good. Nursing a rather hurt ego, Watanuki tried not to stomp away heavily as he walked the hallway. There was no reason for him to concern himself about Yuuko-san from this point forward. She seemed to have no problem treating him as just another employee anyway, in spite of the horrors they’ve been through together with Doumeki and Himawari, so now Watanuki should keep her at arm’s length too. As he put on his shoes, Watanuki muttered under his breath. “How can she be so dismissive of me all the damn time…?”

He reached for his bag. “Heh. Who needs Yuuko Ichihara anyway? That’s not even her real name. Tch, whatever.” _I have Ayame-san now_.

Realizing that was all that mattered now, Watanuki left her shop without regrets.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Are you feeling okay, Watanuki-kun? You look rather pale…”

Himawari was right. He felt tired today, but maybe it’s because he got up so early this morning to make two sets of breakfast for Kano-san and his stepbrothers, and then for Yuuko. Watanuki also had to run up the long staircase leading to school, and he still didn’t make it in time. He was about ten minutes late to his first class. Thankfully, it’s lunch break right now. He did notice Himawari sneaking glances towards his way during class, so he wasn’t surprised when she approached him immediately after the bell rang.

“I was rather winded today,” he told her with a smile, and then explained the circumstances this morning. He didn’t mention his conflicted feelings about Yuuko though. That felt both too private and whiny, and he didn’t want to burden her with something she couldn’t help him with anyway.

 _I_ _have Ayame-san now_. Everything is going to be okay.

“I hope you don’t push yourself too much,” Himawari was saying.

“If I was pushing myself today, I would have tried making you bento for lunch on top of breakfast meals earlier,” Watanuki remarked while giving a weak laugh.

Himawari frowned at that. “Good thing you didn’t do that. Honestly, Watanuki-kun, if you ended up compromising your health because of me…”

Watanuki blinked. She looked so crestfallen and defeated, lowering her eyes to the ground as she trailed off. “Hey now,” he placed his fingers below her chin to tilt up her eyes to meet his again. “Nothing like that is going to happen. I wouldn’t want you blaming yourself for it. I promise I will take care of myself from now on if…if, uh, I’m to be with you….right?”

Himawari blushed. The sight of her doing that also made his cheeks feel hot.

“I-I mean,” he tried explaining himself some more. “I, uh, know you’re still bothered with the possibilities of indirectly harming me because of your curse, and I just want to tell you that I will—I will put more effort into making sure that I’m taking good care of myself. I will stay on guard no matter what, if it meant that I get to be with you from now on, Himawari-chan. I swear…”

He lowered his hand from her chin and took her hand this time. They were both alone in the classroom since three minutes ago, so he didn’t feel that it would be inappropriate to be touching her by now. Himawari smiled and tightened her grip on his, reassuring him that she was also comfortable with this physical contact.

Her smile dimmed a little as she said, “Just…don’t push yourself too hard for me, okay? I would…I wouldn’t know what to do if something bad happened again.”

“Himawari-chan,” Watanuki smiled back at her. “I know I can’t make any promises but just trust me. Trust that I value you and what we could have together that I won’t do anything that could compromise it.”

She looked a little convinced. And then she said. “Well, we don’t have to face it alone together, though…” she looked at their clasped hands beneath and smiled wistfully as she remarked, “I mean, Doumeki is going to be there for us too. He’s always been there for me. And now, he can be there for you too.”

She looked up and must have noticed his grave expression because she asked. “Wh-What’s the matter?”

Watanuki gulped down. “Nothing…”

Himawari looked troubled now too. “Is it…because I mentioned Doumeki?”

Watanuki couldn’t breathe.

“Look, I know you two didn’t get along at first but…” Himawari narrowed her eyes, “…that has changed at this point, right? I’ve been seeing you two together around the school lately. I just assumed that you’ve finally started liking him.”

 _Oh gods,_ Watanuki felt the panic and guilt numbing his body.

“Besides, he has helped you before…both of us, back with the Jorougumo. And I know he cares about you too, Watanuki. You just have to let Doumeki run the show every now and then. He can be surprisingly reliable when push comes to shove. I don’t think there was ever a time he ever abandoned me, no matter how I myself made it difficult for him,” Himawari was smiling brightly as she seemed to recall the moments, “He’s…he’s my best friend, you know.”

Watanuki let her hand go and felt himself tremble. Why did she have to say all those things now? Of course he knew Doumeki was a good friend—and her _best_ friend at that. Doumeki cared about him and Himawari. He wanted Watanuki to fix things with her because—because Doumeki knew Watanuki liked Himawari too, and he—he trusted Watanuki enough to allow him to make things right with Himawari. But what did Watanuki do with his trust? With Himawari’s trust?

He can’t do this. He can’t lie to her and to Doumeki anymore. There is too much…too much at stake. He’s a terrible person for putting both of them through this.

This is—this is too much…

“What’s wrong—?”

Dizzy. He feels dizzy.

A thud.

“Watanuki-kun—!”

Was that—him? Did he fall or something?

“Watanuki-kun! Please get up!” he could hear Himawari wailing, shaking him from his stupor but he can’t open his eyes. He felt so exhausted. “Watanuki-kun! Please! Watanuki-kun…!”

Everything has gone dark.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Doumeki got the call from Himawari while he was riding the bus back from the tournament. She sounded frantic as soon as he answered. 

“Everything okay?” he felt instantaneously anxious as he gripped his phone tighter.

“No,” Himawari sounded so small from the other line. “It’s…Watanuki-kun.”

“What happened?” he almost shouted as he gripped the armrest of his seat. A few of the archery members turned to his direction but he ignored them and focused on Himawari’s voice. She was crying now.

“I’m sorry…” she was muttered between sobs. “I think…I did this, right? Of course—o-of course, I-I did. I got too—too cl-close again and—!”

Oh, gods. _No_.

“Don’t. Please don’t this to yourself!” Doumeki tried to calm down as desperate words started pouring out of his mouth. Something bad happened to Watanuki and now Himawari was blaming herself for it. He had to be strong for both their sakes so he clenched his fist and asked her again, “I need to know what happened. Please, Kunogi…Himawari—what happened to him? Where is he now?”

Himawari was still crying but she was trying her hardest to manage her sobs as she replied, her voice frail and shaky, “His stepbrother—he came and took him home.”

“And?”

“He hasn’t…he hasn’t woken up.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, Doumeki…” she was sobbing into the other end of the line again, struggling to speak. “We were j-just—talking a-and then he-he collapsed. I d-don’t know…pl-please come h-h-home soon, Doumeki…”

“I’m on my way now.” Doumeki assured her. “I’ll go to his apartment. He brought me there once so I know the way. I’ll contact you as soon as I get there, and if there were any changes and developments in his condition.”

Himawari wasn’t talking but he could still hear the faint gasping of her breath as she cried silently to herself.

“Listen to me,” he lowered his voice into a hushed tone, “I’ll be there for him, okay? I won’t—I will do anything…and I mean, _anything_ , to bring him back.”

“Doumeki…” she was still holding on, but Doumeki knew that her grip was slipping, and he had to pull her back from whatever darkness she was sinking into again.

“Himawari,” he called her name with every determination to keep her fighting. “Himawari, we won’t lose him. I’m not going to let that happen. So I need you to do something for me…and for Watanuki, okay?”

She was still quiet but he knew she was listening.

“I need you to be strong—stronger than you have ever been,” Doumeki’s own voice was shaky. He could feel the heat of his tears on his eyes now so he turned to the window and watched the houses passed by. He was almost close to the intersection where a road will take him to Watanuki’s apartment.

“Don’t break,” Doumeki told her, “You haven’t done so before, and you’re not about to start now, Kunogi. I need you to be strong—”

He gulped down and added, “— _for me_.”

_I can’t lose him and lose you too at the same time._

Doumeki wiped his tears hurriedly before they could fall. “Don’t…break, _please_.”

“Okay,” Himawari thankfully answered him. His chest hurt less as soon as he heard her again on the other line. “I’m here, Doumeki. For you, _always_.”

“Good,” Doumeki closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. After a few seconds, he said, “I’ll call you once I get to his place. I’m near an intersection. I just have to get off the bus and cross it.”

“Be careful,” Himawari said. “And…and thank you, Doumeki.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Doumeki almost tripped over something as he began to pound hard on the door.

He was expecting one of Watanuki’s stepbrothers to open it since he wasn’t sure which one took him home, but a middle-aged man stood before him instead. He knew it must be the guardian, Kano-san. Doumeki was exhausted that he was unable to explain who he was and why he was here. He only ended up resting his hands on his knees as he bent down, trying to gather his breath. The older man was just eyeing him. He and Doumeki were of the same height, although Kano-san had a bulkier built. His hair was graying on his temples but he had little facial wrinkles. After a few more moments passed, Doumeki had regained his energy.

The man spoke up at last. “Are you Kimihiro’s friend?”

“Y-Yes!” Doumeki nodded and couldn’t help looking behind Kano-san, eager to see where Watanuki was and if he has woken up.

“You went to great lengths to see him, didn’t you, boy?”

Doumeki focused his attention back to the older man. Even under the stressful circumstances, he can’t be rude. So he answered him truthfully. “Yes, I was on my way back from a tournament in another school. And I got a call from one of his classmates—a friend of mine, Himawari Kunogi…”

“Yes,” Kano-san stepped aside this time and Doumeki took that as an indication to that he was being let in so he did. “I knew the girl. She was the one who was with Kimihiro when he fainted, wasn’t she?”

Doumeki only nodded. His eyes nervously darted to the other end of the hall where he knew Watanuki’s room was.

Kano-san noticed it because he remarked. “He’s not here, though.”

Doumeki jerked his head back to the older man’s direction, eyes wide. “Wh-What do you mean he’s not here?”

Kano-san looked surprisingly calm as if a boy under his care wasn’t in serious danger. He sat down on one of the couches and sighed. When he noticed Doumeki glaring at him, he narrowed his eyes and said, “Before you start getting the wrong idea, let me just say first that I knew you were coming. She told me you would.”

“She?”

“Yuuko Ichihara,” he pronounced her name as if it was a spell.

Doumeki froze. How did Watanuki’s guardian know about her?”

“My eldest and I—Toma, I mean. He called me from Kimihiro’s school. He had a car, and he was already driving the boy back to our home, but then…but then I told him to meet me downstairs instead because we have to take him somewhere else.”

“The shop,” Doumeki finished for him. He was also slowly sitting down the couch across Kano-san as he listened to the rest of the story.

“I knew about Ichihara-san only because she visited me at work once,” the older man explained. “When she told me about Kimihiro and his…burden—I wasn’t really surprised. I believed her. She knew I would, and that’s why she decided to reveal the circumstances to me. I understood why Kimihiro would never tell me about it, at least for now. To be honest…” Kano-san looked at Doumeki directly in the eye now and said, “I’m just relieved that at least he has her and you to share the secret of that burden with since I can’t.”

“Why did you believe her so readily?” Doumeki had to ask. “Had there been…signs?”

“I knew he was a troubled kid,” the older man smiled solemnly. “I knew he carried a baggage when I adopted him. No—that’s not it. Actually, I adopted him because…because for that very reason.”

“I don’t understand.”

Kano-san only smiled. “Did Kimihiro ever tell you know how we met?”

Doumeki shook his head.

“It was at a hospital. He was thirteen at the time. We were both sitting away from each other in the waiting lounge. My wife just passed away a day before. I couldn’t leave the hospital though. We had stayed there with her for months before she died. It was already a second home. I only took notice of the boy when I heard his doctors talking about him not far from where I was. I caught snippets of the conversation. That’s when I knew he was a troubled kid. He had a history of…a little misdemeanor violence with some of the other foster children. He would hurt himself…”

Kano-san paused so he could sigh and rest a hand on his forehead. Doumeki just waited for him to resume. Suddenly, he didn’t feel like he should rush to Watanuki just yet. Yuuko-san has him, and he trusted her. Besides, there was something about the way Kano-san was talking that made Doumeki feel as if he was relaying information so vital at the present and therefore he needed to hear it.

“Anyway,” Kano-san spoke again, “I was listening in when I happened to look across and see the boy for myself. And…what I saw—”

Another pause. And then: “I saw my wife. She was standing over Kimihiro. She had her hands on his shoulders as if to…comfort him. The boy was—I don’t think he even noticed her but he looked a lot calmer since she appeared behind him. His shoulders were relaxed. He was about to fall asleep even. And then…and then my wife—she looked at me. She smiled and…”

Kano-san stopped talking. The memory was obviously too much for him. Doumeki stood up and hurried to the kitchen to get him something to drink. He went back to the living room and handed him a glass of water. The older man thanked him. He gulped down the water and then proceeded with his story.

“She just smiled. She didn’t have to say anything because I understood,” he said. “So I stood up and walked over to the boy. I shook him awake and as soon as he met my eyes, and I asked him if he wants to…to come live with me. I told him that…I think I told him that I knew he thought it was his fault that his mother died, but it wasn’t. He was shocked that a stranger would say that to him and started crying. I held him through it. The doctors were not happy that I would approach their patient like that but I wouldn’t let him go. And…” he chuckled. “Kimihiro wouldn’t either. He insisted that he wanted to live with me. He said he doesn’t want any new guardian if it’s not going to be me.”

Doumeki found himself smiling.

“One of the other doctors came over. His name was Yoshima-san. To this day, he’s been Kimihiro’s therapist. We talked some more about the boy’s situation and Yoshima-san was convinced that I’m eligible to become a guardian. It just…it sounded so easy, wasn’t it? Like…I was there waiting in the lounge, just feeling lost and unable to let go. And there he was…there was Kimihiro. And my wife’s…ghost—I think she was there to tell me…to tell me that I have to move on, and that I could do that by taking the boy under my care. After all, our circumstances weren’t so different. Both Kimihiro and I blamed ourselves for the death of our loved ones.”

When he looked at Doumeki now, his eyes were bleary with tears. “When I told him that day that it wasn’t his fault his mother died, I was…I think I was also absolving myself of my wife’s death. Maybe Kimihiro saw that in my eyes. Maybe that’s why he knew that he and I could help each other through our grief.”

“And so, when Ichihara-san came to me and told me about Kimihiro’s special abilities—I didn’t doubt it for a second. I knew the boy was special. I also knew,” he gulped down and then wiped his tears away. “I-I also knew that even if he had only been my son for a short time, there is nothing—not even such a shocking secret—that would make me love him any less.”

Doumeki felt himself tearing up too, but he struggled to keep his own emotions at bay. “Why are you telling me this?”

“Because,” Kano-san replied as he smiled, “Because Ichihara-san told me about your own ability to repel evil spirits, and that you’re a Shinto priest’s grandson. She told me you have protected Kimihiro in the past once, and that was why I was waiting for you here. Ichihara-san told me you’d be coming, and when I saw you stumbling in a panic to get to my boy—I knew I have nothing to worry about anymore.”

The older man stood up and so did Doumeki. Because they were of the same height, it was easy enough for Kano-san to reach Doumeki and grip his shoulders. Eyeing him evenly, he said, “I have to see for myself, and now I had. I can see that you are devoted to him—that you are his true friend. So please, Doumeki-kun…”

Kano-san’s voice was just as firm as his grasp. “Please save my boy. Save Kimihiro.”

In response, Doumeki reached out one hand to place on top of the older man’s where he was still gripping him. Earnestly meeting Kano-san’s gaze, he nodded once and said. “I understand. I will do anything to keep him safe.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're all going to get yet another emotional chapter after this. So many issues are coming up between Yuuko and Watanuki, Watanuki and Himawari, and Himawari and Doumeki...so prepare yourselves, people.


	18. Frayed at the Seams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’ve made my choice.”

* * *

 

 

 

 

Two children are holding hands, walking together in a deserted rooftop of a tall building. One of them lets the other go and points at the sky, saying that both of them could fly. The other child is Watanuki. He believes his friend readily and climbs the ledge with a smile on his face.

He prepares to jump.

A woman is screaming. Watanuki barely looks over his shoulder and instead stares upwards the blue sky. His arms are spread like a baby bird about to flap its wings for the first time. His friend is standing behind him with words of encouragement being whispered into Watanuki’s head. He feels hands shove him, and he almost loses his balance from the ledge, but not before the woman catches him in time.

They fall to the ground. Watanuki is on his back, staring at the sky still, when he whips his head to the side to see if he could still talk to his friend. But the other child is gone; he or she was never there to begin with. Watanuki’s throat closes up and he chokes out a sob as soon as he realizes that he has been tricked. That child was no child, and he is most certainly not Watanuki’s friend.

The woman whose arms wrap tightly around him right now is his mother—his poor, sickly mother, struggling to breathe as she holds him close. Watanuki sits up immediately and shakes her, trying his hardest to keep her awake. Her eyelids flutter only for a moment to meet his gaze. She is saying something, but Watanuki is crying aloud that he doesn’t listen. She brushes a clammy hand over his forehead and then down his cheek before her arm falls limp to her chest. Watanuki starts screaming. She doesn’t hear him. She doesn’t wake up.

Bleary with tears, his vision grows dim. He feels arms closing around him, ripping him away from his mother. He screams for her, but she just lays there. Watanuki fights the men who are keeping him away from her, but they are stronger than his will. His legs give out but they hold him upright. He whimpers as his entire body slackens in their grasp. Watanuki closes his eyes and makes a wish.

He wishes he were dead instead of her.

He wishes he’d just disappear.

His vision clears once he opens his eyes again. There is a low-hanging light above him and two faces he couldn’t make out. Watanuki tries to sit up but two pairs of hands gently keep him in place. Their soft cooing urges him to lie still. Their voices start to become familiar until Watanuki finally figures out where he is and who they are. Realizing it, he just chokes out a sob and turns to his side to cry. Maro and Moro continue consoling him, their hands on his hair and shoulders. Ultimately, they are unable to soothe away a pain that has festered in his heart for years.

Watanuki is too tired and broken to send them away so he just lays there and cries.

A minute passes before he hears her voice.

“You’re not safe. At least not yet. Your sickness will worsen unless you obey my advice,” she lectures. Watanuki doesn’t want to acknowledge her. He knows she is sitting far away, just looking at his crumpled form in that familiarly detached way she always does. He doesn’t want to talk to her. But she keeps going anyway. “Have you been talking to that woman?”

Watanuki knows whom she was referring to. He doesn’t respond.

“How long since you started talking to her?”

He says nothing. He grips the sheet wrapped around him and keeps his eyes closed.

“She’s not human, Watanuki.”

Angrily, he forces out the words, “Well, neither are you, Yuuko-san.”

A long pause. He could imagine her taking a hit from her pipe. He doesn’t care.

“Everyone has been so worried,” she speaks. “You may not believe it, but so was I.”

“I believe it,” he replies as he slowly sits up with the help of the two girls on either side of him. He still refuses to look at her direction as he continues to talk, “You’re concerned because you don’t want to lose your employee. Who is going to cook you meals and serve you alcohol when Mr. Part-timer is gone, right? Who is going to clean your shitty shop without the gullible orphan boy at your beck and call, hmm?”

Maro and Moro jump to Yuuko-san’s defense.

“Mistress doesn’t think that way, Watanuki!”

“Watanuki is not feeling well. He shouldn’t be saying these things!”

“Fuck your mistress!” he shouts without thinking. The two girls start to withdraw from him, shakily gathering one another up from the floor. They stare at him with hurt and incredulity in their eyes. Watanuki doesn’t look at them any longer as he finally finds where Yuuko-san is, and addresses her figure instead.

“Regardless of what she is, I know that Ayame-san is my friend,” he says sternly. “And if you are in any way implying that she has harmed me, then you are wrong. I don’t care what powers you have, or how right you may be. I trust what I feel, and what I feel is that Ayame-san is someone I can trust.”

Watanuki meets Yuuko-san’s gaze at last and punctuates. “And you are not.”

“I understand,” she replies. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Watanuki.”

“Shut up,” he tries to stand by himself. He fails twice but manages to do it by the third try. Yuuko-san and the girls just watch him, not saying a damn thing. Watanuki supposes it was better this way. Although he still feels a little light-headed and brittle, he ignores it and focuses on moving his legs so he can walk out instead.

But then Yuuko-san is asking him, “What did you dream about?”

He glares at her for a while before he answers, “You know already, don’t you?”

Yuuko-san shrugs her shoulders. So cavalier. Her expression softens only a little as she tells him, “Did you ever figure out what she told you before she died?”

“No,” Watanuki clenches his fists. “Why do you even ask? Do you, for some inexplicable reason again, know what she told me that day? Is this—is this the part where you reveal some important personal information about myself, and I’m just supposed to take it and be grateful for your insight?”

“Watanuki—”

“I don’t want to do this with you anymore, Yuuko-san,” he blurts out, “I don’t…I don’t want to keep grasping on straws, or always be on my toes when we have conversations like this. I’m just—I’m just tired of it, you know? Your head games, and your weird mannerisms—the way you just…make me feel like—”

He lowers his gaze and continues, “—like, am I even worth it? Honestly, Yuuko-san…” he looks up again and fixes his stare at her, “…why do we do this? What do you want from me? Because I don’t get you! You don’t—you don’t really…”

Yuuko-san stares back but keeps her mouth shut.

“See that?” Watanuki gestures at her lack of response. “That’s the problem! I just don’t know what we’re supposed to be doing with each other. In the beginning when I came to this shop, you promised to help me, to guide me as I figure out how to…how to live with the burden of paranormal sight. You said you will grant my wish. And after—after that thing with Jorougumo, it’s like it didn’t even matter. You became even more closed-off and unreachable than before! I don’t get it!”

She sighs visibly through her lips. But still, she says nothing.

“This has been a grand waste of time, Yuuko-san,” Watanuki tries not to tear up. It shouldn’t be difficult to confront her this way. At this point, he owes her nothing. “Sure, okay, you would give me these advices here and there, but you would also just throw them my way like bread crumbs, as if I’m only some street beggar. Do you—do you realize how that hurts my feelings?”

Yuuko-san still stares but Watanuki notices her neutral expression was faltering. He may be finally breaking through to her.

Too bad it’s all too late now.

“We never even have normal conversations. Just you and me without the pretense of boss and part-timer. We haven’t even moved pass the formalities of this relationship even after the horrifying things I witnessed since working here. I mean, you’re never even around! And every time you are, I try to get close and you—you put up this armor of mysteriousness and talk to me as if I don’t…even matter.”

“That’s not,” she quips but trails off instantly, her voice soft that he almost doesn’t catch her next words, “That’s not what that was…”

“Whatever,” Watanuki waves a dismissive hand. “It’s all right. I’ve learned the hard way that we can’t force anyone to open up to us. And most importantly, I’ve also learned that…it’s not my fault.” He nods at her once and adds, “It’s your call. I did my part, and you…rebuffed me. That’s fine. It’s fine…”

He shakes his head and turns away so he can walk to the sliding doors. Before he reaches out to open them, he stops and calls out to Yuuko-san. “Thank you for the opportunity. You did take me in months ago, and helped me deal with my powers. I know you did what you could for me, and I am very grateful for that, Yuuko-san.”

Watanuki glances at her again one last time and says. “But I have no wish for you to grant anymore. I’ve decided.” A pause. “I’ve decided to live with this burden, and that I don’t want you to be a part of my life anymore. I’ll find a way by myself.”

He addresses the girls on the corner briefly. “Thank you for everything, Maro and Moro. Please always be good to your mistress. And always look out for each other.”

Watanuki turns back to Yuuko-san who opens her mouth to say something. But then she closes it again. A few seconds pass and she just asks him instead, “And where are you going now?”

“You know where,” he answers with a sad smile. “I’m going to see Ayame-san.”

She nods as a thoughtful look crosses over her features. “Please be careful,” she says.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do,” Watanuki replies with a shrug of his shoulders. He opens the sliding doors and steps outside.

"I've made my choice," he emphasizes the phrase with a final look at her.

As a consoling parting phrase, he also adds, “Have a nice life, Yuuko-san”, and then closes the doors upon her in finality.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The moment he spotted Ayame-san sitting on the park bench, Watanuki would like to believe he felt instantly better, but the truth was more complicated than that. His heart may be full upon seeing her kind face again, and yet his body seemed to disagree. His shoulders droop as if there is some invisible baggage piled on top of them. Watanuki’s hands are cold and sweaty while his eyesight kept blurring every now and then, and he knew it had nothing to do with his prescription glasses. Still, in spite of these symptoms that clearly point out that he shouldn’t neglect his health at the moment, Watanuki was more concerned of seeing Ayame-san again.

He soldiered on and approached her, trying not to show his discomfort and fatigue.

“Kimihiro-san!” she called his name when he almost collapsed right there. His hand gripped the bench for support. “Wh-What’s wrong? Are you sick?!”

“I’ll be fine…” he trailed off and then coughed violently afterwards. Ayame-san held him by the shoulders as she helped him sit on the bench.

“But you’re not!” she placed a hand over his forehead and then on his neck to check for temperature. “Please, dear boy, you should have stayed home.”

“I couldn’t have done that,” he tried to smile at her but ended up wincing. “I just can’t—I can’t just abandon you. Weren’t you waiting here for me this whole time? I’m so sorry I took a while. But I’m here now so—”

Ayame-san shook her head, eyes shut in contrition. “Please, Kimihiro-san. If you’re not feeling well like this then don’t force yourself.” She opened her eyes again and looked meaningfully into his, “My sweet, dear boy…I could never forgive myself if anything bad happened to you.”

“Don’t say that,” Watanuki chuckled weakly. “This isn’t your fault.”

The older woman frowned deeply and withdrew her hands from his face. She angled her body forward, looking away. She seemed almost…guilty.

“What’s wrong, Ayame-san?” he asked, eyes wide with worry and discomfort. “Please…don’t shut me out, okay? We’re…closer than that…right?”

She said nothing. Her hands that were clasped together trembled on her lap.

“I’d like to believe that…” Watanuki put his hands on top of hers. “I’d like to believe that you and I are close…” he paused, trying to search her eyes but she wouldn’t look at him anymore. “…right?”

“Kimihiro-san,” she finally spoke up. “You’re making this so hard for me.”

“Wh-What do you mean?”

“Please,” she withdrew her hands but Watanuki snatched them again.

“Tell me,” he whispered hoarsely. He was inexplicably desperate.

“I…I had a son your age long ago,” she explained without meeting his gaze. Her eyes were hooded, and her usually vibrant complexion was almost as pale as his. “Suffice to say, he…he got sick, and I blamed myself for it. I tried everything— _everything_ —to save him. But…” she finally met his eyes. Her tears began leaking as she went on, “…he was a lost cause. I didn’t want to believe it so I—struck a deal. It cost me a lot more than what I bargained for. And now here I am.”

“No,” Watanuki started to tear up now too. “You didn’t do anything!”

“You weren’t there.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault! It couldn’t have been!”

“Oh, but it was,” Ayame-san reached out her hand to touch his cheek. Her fingers grazed his skin tentatively, as if she was afraid to touch him altogether. “Much like this is my fault—whatever is happening to you…”

“NO!” Watanuki shook his head violently but she kept grasping him by the cheeks, forcing him to look at her.

“Listen, my sweet boy…” she shushed him and then continued, “I know the burdens of your soul, okay? I came to you, knowing that very well. Don’t you see?” she started wiping his tears with gentle yet clammy hands. “I know—I knew all this time what happened to you when you were young. And that guilt—oh, Kimihiro-san, that guilt is weighing you down to this day.”

Watanuki blinked away the tears. He can’t do anything but listen.

“How do you think I knew this?” Ayame-san whispered as she slowly released his face. She took a deep breath and said, “I knew because that guilt of yours has given me form. You wanted me in this world, and so here I am.”

“Wh-What…?” Watanuki didn’t want to understand. He just wanted her near him. He just wanted to never leave her side.

“It was the easiest thing,” she kept talking as she placed both hands on his chest now. “It was what I was meant to be after all. I’m nothing more but a cosmic force—”

“No!” Watanuki covered his ears. “Stop talking! I don’t want to hear this anymore!”

“I never wanted to hurt anyone,” she pressed their foreheads together this time. “And I especially never wanted to hurt _you_.”

Watanuki wrenched himself away from her grasp completely, but stayed glued to the bench. With wild, uncomprehending eyes, he stared at her as if he couldn’t recognize her at all. His chest felt as if it was spun tightly by vicious tendrils that rivaled the Jorougumo’s web.

“Kimihiro-san…” she reached out again. "I'm sorry. But, long ago...I've made my choice."

“I,” Watanuki swallowed. His ears felt hollow as a ringing sound pierced through them. “I love you, Ayame-san.”

She stopped reaching out to him midway. Her beautiful, bright eyes were once again brimmed with fresh tears.

Hurriedly, he said. “I believe you. I know you didn’t want to hurt me—”

“I love you too,” she was muttering as tears leaked freely down her cheeks. She took his hand. “I love you too, my sweet, dear boy.”

“Mo—” Watanuki was hurting everywhere. His lips quivered as he mouthed, “Mother…”

“Get away from him!”

Ayame-san jerked her head instantly towards the voice. Watanuki didn’t even have to turn around for himself to recognize who it was.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Where is he?” Doumeki stepped forward, eyeing Yuuko-san.

They were outside the wish shop, or at least he thinks they are. He was never allowed in. Doumeki had run all the way from Watanuki’s apartment and right to this spot where he had stood a couple of times with said boy before. Yuuko-san was already here though, just waiting. She was clothed in an elegant dark kimono. Her expression was somber the entire time as if she had been bereaved. Doumeki didn’t want to think that was the case so he kept asking her.

“What happened? What do you mean he left?”

With a sigh, her expression softened into something he had never seen before.

She said, “I failed him, Doumeki-kun.”

He only blinked at her.

“I’m sorry,” she said with eyes downcast.

“Don’t say that,” he answered her truthfully, “I don’t think you have anything to apologize for, and certainly not to me.”

“I know you care about him,” she replied. She was still looking at the ground. “And that was why you need to hear this from me first. You’re probably the only person I could ever reveal this to. So, please. Before you go, hear what I have to say first.”

Doumeki couldn’t explain it, but Yuuko Ichihara never struck him as someone meek or even apologetic. Her stance today said otherwise. She looked as if she had reached a breaking point, and was now coming to terms with something he could not even fathom. But he nodded curtly, deciding that she had been of great help to him before, and he owed her. He stayed put, ready to listen to what she has to say.

“Watanuki has…perplexed me,” she began as she laced her fingers together, “When he first came to me, I knew he was different, and not just because of his gift. He was, I think, the very first being in this lifetime—in this world—that has made me very, very afraid.”

Doumeki must have reacted visibly in some way because she nodded and explained further, “I’m not an ordinary woman, Doumeki-kun. I’ve lived…several lives in…other worlds. And yes, they exist. It’s…too early or too soon to explain these things. Besides, you don’t have to know about them. What my point was—this is the first time in _ages_ when I encountered someone who has made me…fearful.”

“Why do you fear him?” Doumeki had to ask.

“Because,” she replied, meeting his gaze. “Our lives have now become intertwined in ways even I could not have foreseen or untangled from. I’ve always taken pride with my agency and clairvoyance, you see. And this is the first time that I couldn’t read or predict my opponent’s cards.”

“You think…Watanuki is an opponent?”

“No,” Yuuko-san smiled but there was no warmth in it. “It’s the universe. The universe is always and will always be my opponent.”

A pause.

And then she said, "I've made my choice..."

Doumeki wasn’t sure he understood any of it but he nodded all the same.

“I didn’t want to get close to Watanuki, afraid of what the universe has in store by sending him my way. So, instead, I pushed him away,” Yuuko-san continued, “I pushed him away so far that he fell right into a cosmic trap.”

“A what?”

“When you find him, you will find a woman with him, only it’s not a woman,” Yuuko-san explained. “And she is sucking the life out of him. Not maliciously but indiscriminately. And Watanuki—not conscious about it himself—is allowing it.”

“Where is he?” Doumeki couldn’t hide the urgency in his voice.

“When you find him, you’re going to have to make a choice,” Yuuko-san added. She was eyeing him carefully. “And that choice you and I both know you will ultimately choose…”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Get away from him!" 

Watanuki was already shielding the woman in view by spreading his arms, using his entire body to cover her from behind. “Stop!” he implored Doumeki. “Don’t do it! Please, you don’t understand!”

Doumeki’s aim had never faltered before. Watanuki was using his body as a target, but Doumeki didn’t lower his hands at all as he waited for the right time to shoot. He kept his eyes focused on the woman behind him as he summoned all his courage to give his magic form. He could feel his fingers teeming with its energy as if his entire arm had been lit up by electricity. He kept it aimed at the woman even as Watanuki was shielding her. He wasn’t going to hesitate, not even for Watanuki.

_“When you find him, you’re going to have to make a choice.”_

“Stop it, Doumeki!” the boy in question was crying out the words. “Don’t hurt her! Listen to me! You don’t have to do this!”

_“And that choice you and I both know you will ultimately choose…”_

To everyone’s surprise, the woman stepped out and pushed Watanuki out of the way. Doumeki took a deep breath and then released his energy. The arrow ran through her body, shredding her as if she was merely paper-thin. Watanuki was screaming as he rushed to hold out his arms to catch her but she was just dust now. He knelt there on the ground, hands clawing at the air as if trying to put her back together again. He screamed in agony, pounding his fists on the pavement when he finally accepted that she was gone forever.

_“…is something he will hate you for.”_

Doumeki headed towards the crumpled form of his friend.

“What the fuck is wrong with you…” Watanuki muttered under his breath as he pressed his face into the ground. He was shaking all over. “Who the fuck do you think you are…”

“I’ve made my choice,” Doumeki answered him, trying to sound brave and resolute when all he really wanted to do now was to crawl into all fours and beg Watanuki to forgive him. He instead clenched his fist around his bow as he slowly knelt down.

As soon as he and Watanuki were both on the ground, the other boy looked up with vehement eyes and punched him.

Doumeki made no sound or movement. Watanuki kept punching Doumeki everywhere until the blows wouldn’t come anymore, and he was just clutching at the taller boy’s shoulders as he sobbed.

“It was the only way,” Doumeki dropped his bow to the side and held his friend through the pain and misery of his loss. “She was killing you.”

The other boy dug his nails into Doumeki’s shoulders as painfully as he could—to show that he would never forgive him for this—but Doumeki didn’t care.

Through the bleariness of tears, he only said, “I didn’t want you to disappear…”

He kissed Watanuki on top of his head and then cradled him closer, ignoring Watanuki’s resistance as he whispered to him again.

_I love you._

“I didn’t want you to disappear.”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to Coldplay's _The Hardest Part_ while writing this chapter. Just an FYI.

**Author's Note:**

> You know you wanna ship it.
> 
>   
> 


End file.
